Get impatient with yourself

For a few short years somewhere in the maze of the past, I had become overly forgiving and patient with myself; a bit too kind, now that I observe in hindsight. I began to sweep under the rug my inability to rise above the clutter. I turned a shade too patient of personal lapses that further undermined my right to be extremely special, excellent in all my endeavors and exemplary in my expectations of myself. 

A few tough conversations and not-so-happy events shook me up, wounded my pride and questioned my identity – all in good measure and in the right places. Good for me. An occasional jolt needs to be scheduled, I feel.  

After fumbling, stumbling, and finally deciding to get a grip, I had this startling discovery. Patience turns vile beyond reasonable limits. To be patient with our inertia and inaction, to ignore the evolution and emergence of our best, most authentic and stunningly beautiful self is not a virtue.  Ancient wisdom considers ‘too much of a good thing’ a definite bad thing. Much like divinely sweet honey taken in excess undermines its own medicinal value. To put up with our unhappy, unproductive, and uninspiring lives is poison to our minds, and stifles us at the very core of who we are. More importantly, patience with the wrong things and wrong people in our life silences who we can become! 

I find myself greatly convinced to go with this theory of mine. How can such oversight and forgiveness – of being patient when we need to be impatient – lead to any good? That which is forgiven too quickly, is forgotten even faster. What of the treasured lessons then? How else do we carve those irreplaceable footnotes, scribbles and underlines that pepper the pages of our life’s book?

Don’t take me amiss. I am a patient person when I deal with those that demand the most from me, but I am frequently impatient when I demand most of myself. Like many worthwhile pursuits in life, this one’s a paradox as well.

Thomas Fuller, a seventeenth century English churchman and historian said, ‘Abused patience turns to fury.’

Next time a glimmer of impatience with your unmoving life makes you stand up as if ready for action, don’t shake your head and ridicule your resolve. Don’t slump back in your chair. If impatience makes you want to quit your job as you pass one more day in anonymity, don’t ignore the urge. Something deep inside, a voice that knows better is trying to be heard above the daily clutter. 

Let’s not be patient and ignore that voice within, because most likely, it is wearing thin on patience with us. Instead, indulge in the virtue of impatience. Nurture your own haste to see yourself in your grandest avatar yet. And watch life unfold in many surprising shades of a new you.

What lies beyond confidence?

My life experiences so far would make for a pretty skyline, what with the mighty highs and sudden lows, gentle slopes, and at times, steep descents – all with a purpose, nothing wasted, all leading to the depths of self-belief. 

Only recently, and with the tugging of age, have I begun to explore the seductive depths of self-belief. For many years, belief meant to me – confidence. In many ways, I was right and still am, though that’s just one dimension of belief. Confidence helps belief get noticed – it’s the visible part. 

When I stretched my potential and ventured into unfamiliar and untested territory, confidence proved inadequate. Realizing my deeper potential is hard work. Only I know what I am capable of, because only I can look within and see it, only I have the power to pluck it out of its hiding place. 

And in doing so, I discovered that beyond confidence – lies certainty – the certainty of knowing myself, of being aware of my deepest beliefs, of having gone the length and breadth of my own being.  Certainty brings with it a sense of security, a groundedness that confidence can exude, but not necessarily generate. To reach this rock solid place, we need to deepen our faith in ourselves. 

As I journey within myself, more so with the passage of time, I find greater evidence in favor of being outrageously original. To stand up in the face of what’s popular and have the courage to walk in the opposite direction, if that’s what I feel certain I should do. Not to be a non-conformist for the sake of it, but to conform to my own true self. That kind of certainty is foolish to ignore. Following the herd, on the other hand, is a greater folly. 

I have come to believe that going beyond confidence also demands knowing our craft with the precision of a trapeze artist, who (knows and) performs a perfect and complex mid-air swap that looked impossible, and enthrall us. We might never see her again, but we will talk about her art for years – and we’ll remember her name. They say the best kind of publicity is word-of-mouth. That’s because we wouldn’t waste our breath pushing another’s cause if the person wasn’t worth it. What we do for others without a motive comes from the certainty of knowing that the other person was superbly good. 

In this spirit then, whatever be our industry of work, the depth of knowing our craft is directly proportionate to the certainty with which we present it to our audience. And knowing our craft requires that we know our self first. Beyond any marketing strategy and the temporary sense of confidence it provides, is the certainty of knowing ourselves and our work. Nothing tops this kind of advertising.

Beyond confidence lies magic. It sprinkles our talents, strengths and our work with the divine. There is nothing quite like that which springs forth from the depths of self-belief. It can weave magic in the minds of who ever your audience might be. The magic is unique, like our thumb print, no other quite the same. In every era, and every economic phase - originality is a big ticket to big success. 

To help our original, true self to emerge, I feel, it is best not to focus too hard on what works for others. What works for them is their own magic. Maybe, our magic is yet to be uncovered from the depths of our potential. When we discover our deepest self and our real worth with certainty, the magic begins.

How to act on your dreams!

Isn't it a wonderful feeling to dream of achieving something spectacular, something big and significant.

To have all eyes looking at us and admiring our achievement. I think, it takes an unusual person to not dream of big goals and big success. All of us do, I think, in our own way. It's just that we don't always openly share our biggest dreams with anyone. In fact, we hardly admit them as serious thoughts even to ourselves. It feels silly! Funnily, a major success or a thrilling achievement looks more credible and doable on others than us.

If this thought has crossed your mind, don't believe it even for a minute. The truth is, the great stuff that happens to people we admire and look up to could be happening to us in just a few short months or an year. Really...that soon! You see, how far behind we are on our dreams is not proportionate to the time it will take to catch up with them. Dreams can become reality pretty quickly. And I say this from absolute first-hand experience.

But before that, let me ask. Have you noticed how people less qualified, less intelligent, less talented, less supported, and less financially fortunate continue to achieve their dreams while a lot of times, we aren't able to do the same? Isn't it puzzling how that keeps happening around us on a regular basis? I hope we all understand something here - the above laundry list of qualifications are not 'the most' important things to achieve our dreams.

So, what are these 'other' successful, brilliant, extraordinary people doing that we aren't doing?

Here's a revelation, after watching and speaking with numerous successful people - I found out that they do three significant things. First, they turn their dream into a solid, well articulated GOAL. Second, they BELIEVE in that goal without feeling self-conscious or embarrassed about their goal, and third, they take ACTION! Above and beyond any other ingredient of success, they focus with all their energy on what can they DO to get to that goal.

Many of us believe that having enough money to realize our goal is the most important and first condition. Wrong. Money comes later, much later. Clarity and belief come first! These lead to action right away. We then find surprising avenues to fund our goal or bump into someone at an event who is interested in funding us or any number of weird cross connections help us solve the money problem. There's just one condition.... everything follows....clarity, belief and action.

How does anyone know which actions need to be taken? It is amazing how you get that clarity once you begin thinking hard about your goal. Just the other day, I was thinking about the content of my second book. What should it be about? I realized that creative thoughts refused to come by while I did other stuff, and thought about my second book as a second priority.

I at once left what ever I was doing, and sat down with a brand new notebook and my favorite pen in a quiet corner of my home. I had no idea what I was going to write on those blank pages, but I was confident that once I focused all my positive energy into figuring out my exact goal - I would know what to write.

Lo and behold, something amazing happened within the next half an hour. Promising ideas began to pour out of me, and one inspiring thought led to another. Before I knew, I had outlined two books instead of one. The more I pondered on one idea, the more insights came to me. And here is the best part, as my goal began to clarify in my mind, I automatically started to realize what actions could take me closer to my goal. I now know what I need to do to make my second book a physical reality, and bring it out of the realm of dreams. That is the power of thought! All it took was half an hour of focus.

If I can do this, then why can't any one of you? I don't have a brilliant academic record, I don't know important people in important places, and I have no extra special qualifications than any of you. In fact, at times I wonder if I have too many qualifications, all of which are not even useful! I am an ordinary person with a gigantic amount of belief that anything that I deeply wish for will happen in my life. I live and thrive on that belief. And that makes me take my dreams very seriously and with as much love and honor as I would take any one else's dream if they shared it with me.

So, here is a weekend challenge for anyone who stops by and has read this to the end :) Invest this weekend in searching for that one dream inside of you that refused to leave your conscious thought. Write down your dream in 1-2 lines max. Ponder on it in a quiet place until you can write it down as a goal now - complete with your purpose, end result and time-frame. Then, believe with all your heart. Lastly, list down at least 3 - 4 actions that you know you can take right away!

Take up this challenge and make your weekend count! Loads of good luck and have fun! :)

Be yourself - no matter what

In hindsight, my senior college days were the beginning of my journey to resolutely be myself – no matter what. It sounds dramatic, but then, college days ‘are’ dramatic and emotionally charged times of our life. That doesn’t mean I mastered the habit of being myself right away. Just that I realized something like that exists.

I now look back and wonder how I would behave, which friendships I would nurture, and what lessons I would keep in mind if I were to redo my college stint. Very different ones, is my safe guess. But then, life is not lived in hindsight – it’s all in the here and now.

At some point in the past, I was caught in a time in life where I was more vulnerable emotionally than materially or in any other way we choose to weaken ourselves. A desperation of sorts had gripped me, and I steadily became less and less like myself, and more like what I thought I ought to be at that point. No regrets, really. I feel fortunate to be over and done with a necessary part of our growing-up process. Disillusionment on the surface translates into illumination deep down.

At the end of that utterly confounding and frustrating phase, I had worked out a few things that have proven critically important for me personally, and helped me create this wonderful life I live and completely enjoy today....hope some of this might be useful to you as well.

• Recognize who you are deep down, at the most intimate level. 
• Admit to your key faults, then do something about them. 
• Figure out your top five most important priorities. Your non-negotiables.  
• Dream big and bravely. They do come true exactly as you had dreamt.
• Respect yourself above all.
• Believe in yourself without a shadow of doubt.
• Don’t believe everything your critics have to say.
• Trust your instincts; they are the best decision-making tool you got.  
• Expect the best to happen to your life.
• Be genuinely good.
• Don’t waste time competing with anyone else. Be your own best.
• Speak from your heart, or don’t speak at all.
• Realize that a great life is in your hands alone.

If only I knew this many years ago!

Though on second and considered thought, I think it’s best we all bear our cross when we need to. Despair doesn’t lead to anywhere else but our self. Your trip might be amazingly rewarding and lead to dazzling self-discoveries. It is better to go through your hardships with courage, so you can proudly come through them and empty the baggage at the end of your journey. I am very confident you will find a treasure trove of lessons learned and resolves made, of new beginnings and solid foundations, and of knowing yourself – above all.

After many experiences in this direction, I’ve come to believe that being ourselves is a comparatively easy and happy place to find; way easier than you might believe at first go. It’s the being-someone-else game that is so hard to play and no fun at all.

Who are you choosing to be today?

To please or not to please...

Here’s one of the definite facts of our life experience – no matter which corner of this planet you inhabit – You can never please all of the people all of the time. (And if you are able to perform this feat of human behavior, do come over and meet me in person sometime, honestly...I will be beyond curious.)

For almost all of us this stands true – everyone around us is never equally happy with us all of the times – some are outright unhappy!

Have you ever noticed this bit of fact play out in your own life story? Do comment, and let me know.  

Getting back. I’ve observed there are some things we learn only after a personal brush with experience. This is decidedly one of those things. Mine has been most instructive. The whole idea of making others happy rests on a sticky premise to begin with. I’ve been there, too, driven by my basic need to be accepted and approved of and to feel happy about others being happy with me. What’s wrong with that, you might ask. We all endeavor (most of us, anyway) to be happiness seekers and givers in general. All noble sentiments – only thing, they’re misplaced by at least half the circumference of this earth.

My unabated and often unabashed effort to do just the above has landed me in plenty of situations where I ended up making a record-breaking number of people unhappy with me. I haven’t entirely untangled those knots yet. And might not in the near future!

Since then, I have profitably invested my precious time in learning how to prevent these mishaps in advancing years. This is one of my theories: The whole idea of making others happy all of the time distills down to living up to their expectations – about how much or how little we dress, if we walk or run, talk or maintain a studied silence, treat them (and their dogs) fairly and squarely and generally try hard to view the world through their lens!

I admit I’ve done all this. Though, not any more. I have changed. What is supremely important to me now is what I expect of myself. I would rather bet my money on holding myself to high standards at all times. This makes it pretty sure that there will be at least one entirely happy, satisfied, proud, and approving person in the room. That will be me.

I now draw the line at what others expect of me and what I choose to respond to or even notice. Seek and ye shall be given – doesn’t quite apply to this situation, I feel. It is a cardinal mistake to be what others think we ought to become. Though, I’ll say, it is annoyingly easy to fall into the trap of relegating our priorities, brushing aside our instincts, and getting swayed be the one who speaks the loudest and most often. Such people are rarely made happy, if you notice.

Someone wise said, ‘to give, we must first own’ and ‘we can give only when our own cup is overflowing with joy and happiness’. They knew this thousands of years ago, though we all learn it in our own time and have our own aches to remind us of the lessons.

Important conclusion here – be happy on your own first. Protect your happiness, get into the habit of being happy every day. Then watch how others align themselves to be happy around you, in whatever varying degrees they might choose to. Also, be prepared to watch a few distance themselves from you – some people don’t take the pure, unadulterated idea of happiness very well. It upsets them to not have anything to complain about. They are not your primary concern, though it will seem like that on the surface.

And if you are in special luck, those around you might even add to your own joy, because their cup is already overflowing. These are blessed souls that we all need in our life. Hold on to them. Good news, they don’t need you to make them happy.

Fortunately, that leaves all the energy and time in the world for you to focus on the important things in life, for example, being happy with yourself – and sharing it with others.

Why talent is not enough to succeed

As a very young student, I don’t remember where, I read this quote. “Many people die with their music still in them.” I turned it over in my mind (most probably, while chewing the end of my pencil). It still didn’t make complete sense. If we did have music in us, and we knew it was there, why wouldn’t we use it? Some things stick with us as kids, and this one did. The idea of not using what we had inside us had a profound effect on my malleable mind.

How many of you know genuinely talented people who didn’t make much of their lives? Who died not being their best and not doing most of what they could have accomplished with ease?

At times, I wonder, how alive are we anyway if we are not compelled to wake up to our own special self? What do we see when we look into the mirror every morning...is there a trace of guilt, a furtive glance, a quick lowering of the eyes....maybe, to hide our transgression from our most honest critic?

I’ve spent a better part of my life asking questions, of myself and others and through books, to unravel why some of the most deserving people I know didn’t quite make it? And I am not talking about extrinsic symbols of success here. This is not just about money and a fancy car (well, that too). I am talking about their own admission in the twilight of their life - spoken with painful regret and an unmistakable urge to turn back the clock.

Why would we knowingly do this to ourselves? Or is our ignorance the problem here?

Years later, the penny dropped, when I saw much more than one person betray their talent to be a poor replica of what they were meant to be. Not by anyone else’s whimsical measures, but more regretfully, by their own.

I am beginning to believe with greater fervor that talent is not enough. It is not the most powerful element the presence of which is so potent that it carries us on its own will and charts a path to its full actualization. Alas, if only talent had enough strength. But it doesn’t. It still needs you and me; hopefully waiting for us to unite it with its siblings that are determination, passion, and perseverance. They together are the wind beneath talent’s wings. And put together they can help us sail to unknown, new lands that we never dreamed of. Even way beyond what talent had anticipated for that matter.  

The reverse is also true. Without these missing pieces talent is strangely alone and unmoving; much like us when bereft of love and support for long periods.

So let me ask these passionate questions of you. What is your biggest, brightest talent? Have you used it yet in helpings big or small, to extract of yourself and your life what you deserve? Would you be happy when you have reached the end of the road and it is time to look back? Would you say with peace – I used all the music I had in me, and empty-handed is how I leave.

I think Erma Bombeck said it best - “When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.”

Btw, that quote in the first line belongs to Oliver Wendell Holmes. I now know...and understand.

The ordinariness of being extraordinary

Let me begin this with a disclaimer. I don’t mean that being extraordinary is anything ordinary. I do mean instead, that all of us have the potential to be extraordinary, and it is not as unusual as you might think. Therefore - the ordinariness of being extraordinary!

Think about this, it is easier to lean back and watch TV than to live our life every day. In fact, I wrote this in my first book. In the same vein, it is easier to look up to others rather than look within to discover the seeds of greatness inside us. We are born to be extraordinary, how could nature have meant it any other way?

Like so many of you who might be reading this piece, I’ve had my share of what I call – living-weekend-to-weekend. And it did feel like a ‘weakend’ because I was too tired to do anything but exist in anticipation of my next vacation. The idea was to plod through life until there was a sensible reason to show more enthusiasm. Most times, none was required.

Thankfully, I did realize that this wasn’t anywhere close to living my life. Pain generally brings out deep memories. And mine reminded me of my father and mother’s ambition of seeing me do extraordinary things – like most normal parents wish, I am sure. With a halfhearted internal fight followed by sheepish acceptance, I realized I was responsible for my ordinariness. That too, in a situation with obvious privileges that only a miniscule % of the world population can boast of (read, clean drinking water, food, shelter, clothing, education, family support, job, and a bank balance).

I had been at grave fault. Firstly, of taking my good fortune for granted and secondly, of not recognizing my mistake sooner. Far too many years had passed by living a garden variety kind of existence. Not that I did not stand out on occasion or do meritorious work as a professional but that I stopped there. And didn’t explore how I might have multiplied my achievements to make my life extraordinary every single day. The latter part is a different ball game altogether.

My journey has brought me to a point where I believe it is not my choice to be ordinary anymore; I feel compelled to strive for the extraordinary – everyday. I might miserably fail on certain days, but I still sleep with utmost satisfaction in the awareness of my choices and decisions on that day.

It is also a great responsibility we owe to our own potential, talent, education, and experience. What is any of these worth if we aren’t endeavoring to make of them more than our daily bread?

Now, to answer what constitutes extraordinary? Extraordinary can vary vastly in subject, but is united in spirit, I feel. And to make this even better, here is the idea of extraordinary spelled out as beautifully as I can ever hope to express it myself...

“When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project; all your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great, and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and your discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be,” said Patanjali.

This one is dedicated to that unexplored, untapped, and amazingly potent core within all of us, waiting to propel our life to heights you and I have not yet imagined.  

PS: Let me know what you think, and what has been your experience, will love to hear.

Comparison is a poor man's solace

As I placed my fingers on the keyboard to write something meaningful today, this quote took shape effortlessly in my head.  

“Comparison is a poor man's solace when he doesn’t measure up to his own standards.”

Surprisingly, I’ve heard the reverse much more than once. ‘Comparisons help us understand our own shortcomings, and pitching ourselves against more successful people is an inspiration to work harder.’

I couldn’t disagree more. It’s not just counter-intuitive, it’s unhealthy. And an expressway to lower self-esteem! We need inspiration in life – not comparisons – two very different routes to self-assessment, with dramatically varying results. 

Over the years, this has been my valuable learning. I believe with all my heart that we are genuinely unique and an exclusive piece, as it were. We are entitled to have designer dreams that are not found in replicas. So the idea of comparing ourselves with anyone else seems like a moot point.

Having a reference point that is not our own self is like walking with a blindfold on. We can’t see a situation for what it really is. A genuine self-review, driven by data, gets supplanted by our mischievous imagination. That’s definite invitation to further insecurities, and more comparisons.

Maybe, I have learned to live with myself for the better or for the worse, and by extension, not allowed comparison to take roots in my mind. I am probably in error on the other extreme; I take too much responsibility for my life and its outcomes. I compare myself to myself very often, and measure my results against the quality, or lack thereof, of my actions. This ongoing self-assessment seemed painful and unnecessarily conscientious when I was younger.

Though, over the years, I have come to greatly appreciate the hardiness of this route. The beauty of aging, with all its gifts, has mellowed my critiquing and self-assessing streak. The essence increasingly left behind is more of balance than otherwise. I now feel the confidence (having been on both sides of the argument) to trust my instincts when I know I’ve been admirably good and also when I have grossly disappointed myself.

In both cases, no permanent damage is done, thankfully. My self-comparison takes me on a guided tour of what could have been and what can be achieved. I listen with intent and move on. It never occurs to me to elevate myself in the moment by hitching my wagon to a lesser star. Or worse still, pretend that my outcomes were the best, so others must be less competent by default. That’s delusional on a different level.

I admit our insecurities have a charming way of tempting us to walk the slippery road to comparisons. We appear more competent compared to others, but maybe, end up less capable in the larger scheme of our personal growth. I can’t help wondering what kind of self-satisfaction that brings. Sadly, those of us who do make it our habit to compare and contrast ourselves with others (generally in our favor) are self-indulgent at best and irrational at worst.

Unlike popular misconception, comparisons are not necessary for our growth. Maybe, we confused that with inspiration - which is irreplaceable. Comparisons are just a poor, distant cousin.

Inspiration, on the other hand, leads to uplifting reflection, honest introspection.....and an unequaled thirst to find our best self.  

Hard work does not lead to success

Recently, I attended a program which had a key-note speaker several years my senior, and they said – “Hard work does not lead to success. Only mules work hard.”

I got thinking. Like most of us, I’ve grown up listening to advice about how hard work is the only way to success. I am myself a loyal ally of hard work, and was tempted to dismiss his one-liner but for a sliver of doubt that refused to budge.

I have worked very, very hard for most of my life. So did my parents (and that’s why I do too, actually). Even so, something didn't add up. Not all hard work, either mine or theirs, has led to proportionate success. (We ought to have been billionaires by now. Seriously.) On the contrary, at times not working hard has borne results, and working very hard has delivered disappointments. Has this ever happened to you?

Mighty frustrating, if you ask me! Not to mention - upsets my conditioning.

Though on deeper thought, and considerable mulling, I reached some of these hidden realizations. Do tell me if you concur or otherwise.

In the year 2003, my career slumped dramatically, business was bleak, my finances were in shambles, and I was in no position to help my family or myself. The situation was serious enough to give me several sleepless nights - being awake was nightmare enough, I guess.

I still don’t know what happened back then. But I refused to work harder. The very thought of working harder magnified the irony of the situation. Because the only way I knew to work up until then was with diligence, I had remained admirably honest in the face of great odds, and I knew with conviction I had what it took to be the proud owner of a great career. And yet, I was nearly broke. The anomaly disturbed me more than my condition.

In essence, there was every reason and temptation to work harder and try harder. Instead, I decided to sit at home and think harder. Maybe, there wasn’t much to do outside home, anyway. Some amazing questions arose from a mind-numbing series of personal hardships.

What did I want from life? More importantly, what did life want of me? What did I really want to do? How could I improve as a person? What kind of money did I deserve to earn? What did it take to work with the best? And here's the clincher – if I was so capable, competent, honest, and hard working – what was I doing on the wrong side of success?

While I questioned myself, I unwittingly pictured my life to be beautiful, comfortable, happy, healthy, adventurous, and full of friends and supporters (such happy mind tricks these). I then did something that now seems preposterous and downright laughable. I searched for the best training organization I could find in India, and applied for work through their website. In a month’s time, I was on a flight to join them at their headquarters as a specialist trainer.

And this wasn’t the only dream break I’ve had in life. It had happened to me before and it has happened to me much more than once since. The more I peel the layers of what the key-note speaker might have meant, the more I am prone to agree. Hard work does not lead to success.  

Working hard without a purpose is pointless. Working hard with a solid purpose, and knowing what we hope to achieve from daily hard work, is one of the finer points of the art of achievement. I now understand why at times my hard work failed to deliver. From being a hard worker I have now moved to a hard core, purpose driven worker.

I’ll go so far as to say that it’s much easier and wiser to stop working altogether and find our purpose than to keep blindly working hard in the hope of stumbling across something worthwhile. I work hard every day. The only difference is that I choose carefully what I work hard on, and who I work hard with. That’s smart work, I am learning.  

Maybe, human beings are not meant to work hard. We are meant to think hard and choose smart. And then go at it with all our energy if that’s what we need to do. I have a feeling, success might be ours for the taking.