Too good to be true?

I really want to share this personal story with you today. A recent encounter with an ordinary, but decidedly ‘extraordinary’ person restored my faith once again in the goodness of our world. I reminded myself that the planet is not as unhappy and broken-up as television news would have us believe.  

I recently attended a program to update my knowledge and skills. The very first morning, I got a phone call on my mobile from a fellow participant who was put up in the same hotel as I. She called me up to ask if I was doing okay considering it was close to the training time, and I hadn’t appeared so far. I was surprised at her concern, and politely said I was on my way. Meanwhile, I wondered how did she even get my number, and then realized almost immediately that she had taken the trouble to note it down from the information mail we had got from the organization. Let me admit with some embarrassment that my first thought was – why does she have to call me, as if I am not responsible enough to get to the training on time? I think that was just me being over cautious when I am traveling alone, and surrounded by strangers. I cringe to think that I thought of her like that. Because, since then, she has not just entered my ‘best friend circle’ already, but she is one of the most amazing human beings I have met so far.

Over the next three days of being together in close confines, and seeing each other feel vulnerable and triumphant by turns during the course, I saw that she was as genuine as they come. It was evident to everyone that her goodness, though unbelievable at first, was true in every possible way. I caught myself just staring at her at times, wondering how a person could be that thoughtful, pure-hearted, so amazingly articulate, and extremely smart as her – in a world that is increasingly chaotic? Does she not get affected by the madness around like most of us do? I guess not.

Believe me when I say that I spent one-third of my entire study time just talking to her and enjoying her company. The feeling was mutual, which was fortunate for me. We talked, laughed, patted each other on the back, shared life stories, encouraged each other to do our best, and consoled each other when we goofed-up. Through all of it, what struck me was her inner strength and wisdom that refused to get affected by our circumstances - come what may. I find that such a wonderful place to be.

After a long time, I personally met someone who is so good that I want to be like them. I felt the same when I met my husband for the first time, and I learn from him every day. This trip reminded me again that it is so important to have someone in our close circle of friends and family that keeps us on the positive path. We all need people who can continue to prove that life is beautiful because they choose to look for beauty and love around them.

As I was making my way back to my home, this is what I thought. Just like thousands of years ago, we still have the good, the bad, and the ugly in our world. So, our current times are not that different or unique. It is what we choose to focus on, decide to partner with, and persist in pursuing that ultimately defines each one of us. Maybe, because there is such media attention on evil and unrest in our world, we back off in disbelief from embracing absolute goodness when we encounter it.

I can’t help wonder if we are turning resistant to the idea of being nicer, more thoughtful, and enviably good people because we aren’t sure if that much goodness will find a place in our disturbing times. On the other hand, my recent encounter with this stunningly good person points to the fact that – goodness and love alone survive when all else is lost.

I strongly believe that good people are all around us, they are in abundance and everywhere. Maybe, we need to have goodness inside us to attract goodness outside us. Finally, we attract whatever we believe in. So, let’s believe in goodness ourselves, and hold on tightly when we find it in others. This was possibly my bigger learning during my study time.

Get out of yourself...

Many years ago, I read in a book by Norman Vincent Peale, a phrase that has stuck with me. He said – ‘Get out of yourself’ – to feel happy and positive again. I didn’t quite understand what he meant, and how was one supposed to do this in the first place.

Very soon, I discovered. The day I was feeling a bit off-mood and unhappy, I decided to put his remedy to test. I followed his advice from the book, and caught hold of someone around me to ask them how ‘they’ were doing? As opposed to telling them how I was feeling. I showed genuine curiosity and concern about what was going on in their life? What updates did they have to share with me? Needless to say, the person in question was pleasantly shocked, and happily embarked on a story about their life and times.

I listened attentively, keeping a close check on myself, so I wouldn’t let loose my grumpiness on them. It was amazing how quickly my mind engaged itself in their concerns, and I sincerely began to talk about them or just smile along with their story. The focus from my own bad mood shifted to their life in a jiffy. In turn, I began to feel happy and light hearted again. It was astounding for me to realize that to ‘get out of you’ really means stepping mentally and physically out of self-absorption and obsession with our internal turmoil. It means to turn our minds eye to the concerns of others – to remain conscious that this universe is bigger than the one in my own head.

Recently, I discovered something of even greater importance – we can all help others ‘get out of themselves’. A few days back, I called up a young girl whom I got to know some months ago. As she and I began talking, I sensed anxiety in her voice, and asked if everything was alright. She told me how stressed they had been about their four year old's ill health, who was now recovering. Rather than encourage her to dwell on it, I really wondered how I could help her in some way. On the spur of the moment, I asked her to visit me sometime, so we could just get together for a cup of tea and chit-chat. She loved the idea, and it suddenly changed her thinking from anxiety to anticipation. She began to plan a visit, and even offered to cook something special to bring along for our tea time together. I loved this positive change in her that happened quite accidentally and helped her to ‘get out of herself’ in that moment of anxiety.

What a wonderful way to stop thinking in circles about our own problems and being useful to someone else. Most often, I discover that my problem wasn’t a big one after all. It was something I had magnified by thinking about it over and over. We not just step out of our self, but discover the real concerns of our friends, family, and business associates. 

I’ve been following this strategy for years now, and it has worked every single time. The only difference is that I don’t wait to feel unhappy to step out of myself. I do it anyway, and it makes me feel even more happy, uplifted, and inspired than I already felt. I pick up the phone, walk over to someone and get talking, or even go out on a walk by myself. Just one small, right action helps me to see the world differently.

Over this weekend, I will be getting out of myself every opportunity I find. I am looking forward to some major inspiration and information. Hope you find your chance to ‘get out’, too!

Who is your greatest fan?

I have a sneaking suspicion that you thought of someone else right away. Today morning, as I opened my Facebook page to write one of my original quotes, this one struck me – ‘Believe in yourself, your fan club begins with you’. I smiled with some nostalgia as I put this up on my page. 

When I started out in life, I was not my greatest fan by any stretch of the imagination. I was my greatest critic. I was hard on myself, and found every fault I could possibly find. I berated myself for all the embarrassing moments and mistakes, that sting harder when we are that young.

Gallons of water have flown under the bridge since then. And being my greatest fan has been one of the hard earned lessons. 

The phrase ‘be your own fan’ is not an exercise in narcissism or blinding self-promotion. Quite the opposite. To me, it simply means this....

To love ourselves as much as we might love the most precious person in our life, to treat ourselves with genuine respect, great kindness, and ample forgiveness. It’s a place, where looking into a mirror, we smile with the kind of happiness we search for in other people’s faces. And ‘being our own fan’ is about paying heed to a voice inside that tells us we are wise, beautiful, and intelligent – we are entitled to every good thing in life.  

What’s the reverse of not being our own admirers? Well, in my experience, if we don’t love ourselves, we must dislike ourselves. If we don’t admire who we are deep down, we must criticize what we see on the surface. If we don’t forgive ourselves, we must exist under the burden of blame and guilt. If we don’t respect ourselves, we must allow others to take away from our self-respect at every opportunity. And if we don’t consider ourselves wise and intelligent, we must act foolish to prove our belief. 

That sounds like a sad place to be. A place where all our talents and ideas seem less worthy than others, and our confidence is attached to the random opinions of those around. Have you noticed, the more we trust and look up to someone, the more their opinions become our own? We begin to define ourselves through the eyes of others. 

I am reminded of a short spell of time when I was learning the ropes of just about everything. There were no rules to follow outright, and much was left to the raw discretion of a young girl who never lacked in enthusiasm, but sorely fell short on expertise and experience. It was a time of great learning and development. Such that never happens in a school or college; these are valuable lessons only the real world can teach us. I was on one such enlightening journey – and as with all things valuable, I did not know its importance back then. 

Within a short span of two months, I realized something grave was missing from my life. That one word was – appreciation. My environment did not believe in giving feedback or telling me on a monthly basis how I was doing? There was only silence and short communications about what I was expected to do. Instead of protesting about it, I fell in line, because that seemed the only option at my disposal then. The results were disastrous. I fell back on my work, and stressed about the smallest of tasks. I began to think less and less of my innate ability to excel. More dangerously, I fell into the trap of looking to others for validation, instead of asking myself if I had done well or not. My confidence nose-dived, making me a poor version of my otherwise effusive and extremely positive self.

Thankfully, light dawned. When the negativity got too much, I shook myself up, and my real self emerged – rebellious and complaining about my lack of support to my own self. I saw the folly of my ways, not just in believing my circumstances, but not asking for what was due to me. If only I had asked for feedback, I know I would have received it. Maybe, the other person was waiting for me as well. Maybe, my silence was misunderstood for satisfaction. We might never discover, and it doesn’t matter now. The lesson was important, and I have held on to it. 

Ask yourself today – Are you your greatest fan? Are you the admirer you have been waiting for all your life? Are you your best companion and most attentive listener? 

I hope you say, yes. Even if you don’t, do begin today. Go ahead, and appreciate yourself in the silence and solitude of your mind. We have the maximum conversations in a day with ourselves - next time you talk to yourself, be kind, be excited, be appreciative, and be encouraging. We need all of this from within than from any other person in our life.

Are you sorted out?

Has it ever happened to you that you met someone, looked at them, spoke for about five minutes....and got this unmistakable feeling – ‘this person is sorted out’. Doesn’t it seem like such a coveted place to be – the sorted out zone? These people are completely tantalizing for me. So much better than being muddled in our heads and confused about our deepest values and desires? Which in turn makes us drift with the next popular wave, only to be washed ashore a bit more overwhelmed than when we began.

I’ve met a few seriously sorted out people. They know what they are about, their best strengths and worst fears. They know where they are going in life and when they are lost. They are their best judge, and criticism and praise are taken in their stride. They also know when they don't know! And I can generally be found staring up at them wondering how did that person become so poised, so genuinely comfortable with themselves, quietly secure, disarmingly real, and unbelievably good, deep down. For me, these are the elements of being ‘sorted out’; people who have found themselves and know what they are doing with this awareness of who they are!

I have gone ahead boldly and quizzed some of them on how they achieved this rare feat of human behavior? What stops them from getting lured into the temptations of our commonplace and wretched behavior, petty thoughts, wicked mischief, and lopsided judgments? How come they discovered what confounds many?

Here are some themes that seem common.

Solitude: To listen, one needs to stop talking. All sorted out people have had the opportunity to be alone and invest in deep thinking. You will agree that not everyone left to their own devices promptly launches into a project of self-discovery. I agree, and that will be my second point. For now, let me speak more about solitude. Two important things happen the moment we are alone. For one, we get away from the unnerving scrutiny of others and two, the incessant noise of humanity ceases. Being alone with our self creates ripples of thoughts that take us to brand new parts of our own mind. The more time we spend exploring our mind, the greater the depth of our self-awareness.

Values: A beacon is the light on top of a lighthouse that shows the way to approaching ships in the darkness. In the same spirit, our values show us the way when we are at sea in life. Being alone can quickly turn into a wasted opportunity. Values help us stay on course. They are the messengers of our guidance system that tells us which way to go. To ask meaningful questions of ourselves is the quiet work of our value system. What questions to ask is aided by the next point.

Judgment: Sorted out people have an enviable eye for the finer points of life. They are able to – with the help of solitude and their values – find meaningful thoughts to ponder upon. The rights and wrongs of life intrigue them. They show keen interest in the human condition around them, and try and ask tough questions of themselves. For example, if there was only one person who could be rescued from a sinking boat, what would they do? Their answers help explore their own rights and wrongs, and logic of life and living. They are curious to push the limits of their thinking and decision making. They find answers to tough questions.

Courage: Not everyone who finds solitude, professes values, and has good judgment necessarily puts any of these to good use. Very importantly, we also need the fortitude to overlook our limitations and step over the line of control. Sorted out people have the courage to do uncomfortable and tough things in life. For example, not hesitating to overcome a fear they have. If they are scared of water, they go right ahead and learn to swim. This personal victory creates massive inroads into their own mind and its capacity to expand and perform well. They test their limits, by pushing themselves to excellence.

Excellence: They root for excellence, because mediocrity is the domain of the confused and less courageous. Those who want to find themselves set high standards at work and in life. They set targets that stretch them and release their limitations. Often, the word 'perfectionism' can be heard around sorted out people. They pay attention to detail and take genuine pride in doing a good job of things.

Compassion: Sorted out people have compassion for the ‘unsorted’ amongst us. On a more serious note; they look at others with intent to try and understand them rather than be understood first. They naturally gravitate towards the good in others and the good in our world than spend time finding faults with either. There is deep goodness in sorted out people. And this last, but certainly not the least of their qualities, differentiates them from everyone else. To exhibit our intelligence is easy, to be clear in our minds is not too hard, but to be genuinely good people is tough for most of us.

Over this weekend, my special task is to enter the kingdom of ‘sortedness’ and courageously explore parts of my mind I have not yet confronted.

In defense of desperation

Late yesterday night, I was lying in bed and about to doze off when a thought struck me, and I knew I had to write it down before I forgot it in the morning. That thought was about the advantages of being desperate. This morning, like a sad coincidence, I heard that Steve Jobs had passed away. What I wrote seems to be a fitting tribute to this great man. This is what I penned down last night...

In my observation of countless people, and myself, I strongly believe that a halfhearted and lethargic pursuit of a goal is the same thing as not pursuing that goal at all. The consequences of both approaches are the same. Neither lead anyplace worth going to. 

There is no life to any goal until it is liberally laced with a hefty dose of deep desire and urgency. If you naturally feel like that about any ambition you have, then you are very likely to achieve it against all odds and in a shockingly short time. My experience has taught me that deep desire + urgency = good desperation. 

Think about it, what is the point of wanting something if we didn’t want it badly enough? That which is worth achieving is also worth getting desperate and urgent about. If our goals are ethical, meaningful, and worth running after then why wait? That kind of desperation is good desperation. 

Observe in your own life and of those around you – ambition that wanders about in varying degrees of wishful thinking dies an untimely death. Indifference breeds mediocrity and failure. Realizing our aspirations takes much more than that. 

I am reminded of an ancient story about Socrates, the renowned Greek philosopher. A young man once approached the master and asked if he could teach him wisdom. Socrates took the young man to a nearby stream, and pushed his head under water. He held the man down until he was desperate to breathe air, at that moment, Socrates released his head. The man came up gasping for a breath of air. Socrates looked at him keenly and said that the young man needed ‘that’ kind of desperation to learn wisdom. The day he felt that desperation, he would acquire wisdom on his own. The same principle applies to so many things in our life. 

In similar vein, many years ago, I desperately wanted to get out of my immediate circumstances and step out of India to meet people of other cultures, to learn from my travels, and work outside. It was an impossible dream for me in so many ways. Yet, the thought refused to budge, and I relentlessly pursued it in my mind until one day, by sheer chance, I happened to find a perfect opportunity. Within months I was living my goal. Honestly, I don’t think it was my talent or a special gift that helped me live my dream; it was the desperation with which I felt the need to fulfill my deep desire that did it. A deep desire combined with mental urgency helped me see an opportunity that I would have otherwise missed for sure. Our highest success rests on how badly we want to succeed, not just talent and intelligence.  

If we want to genuinely get to any place worthwhile in life, let’s be desperate to get there. Let’s charge up our passion and put out our best self for the world to see. We only have so long to live this life. Might as well get moving today...

I can’t help ending this piece with a stunning insight from Steve Jobs – a legend while he lived – a rare honor in life. 

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything -- all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. ... Stay hungry. Stay foolish." - Steve Jobs

Commencement Address by Steve Jobs to Stanford students, 2005 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF8uR6Z6KLc&feature=share

How to be happy everyday

There are some gifted people who are happy every single day. Almost as if by magic. They smile and mean it, they speak kindly and we believe them, they stay calm in the midst of a tempest, and we look up to them with awe. How do they do it? Why can't everyone do the same and be happy everyday?

That's because it's a skill....and like all other skills, it needs daily practice until it gets embedded into our subconscious mind and we believe with absolute faith that we must be habitually happy people. When you learn to drive a car or to swim, you don't become an expert on day one. It takes time for the skill to get embedded in our subconscious mind before we can either drive or swim without having to think of 'how' to drive or swim. It happens naturally and without conscious effort.

Being happy everyday is much the same. It is a conscious practice until one day, the subconscious takes over and it becomes as natural as breathing air. Our mind then churns out happiness in the face of great unhappiness and unhappy people.  Seeing the proverbial 'silver lining' to every dark cloud is a skill as well.

I have experimented quite a bit with being happy because I am intrigued by this emotion. It is so easy to be angry, rude, revengeful, envious, mean.....I could do this all day long without an effort. We won't talk of consequences just yet, only that it is easy to be negative. Being a difficult person doesn't take practice.

Being happy is the hard part for those of us who might already have committed to the negative traits we all have within us. Only one strong, dominant emotional habit can survive in the subconscious mind at a time. Either we commit to being unhappy or we commit to being happy. If we make a promise to our subconscious, deep inner self that we will be happy everyday, it will take our command seriously and belt out happiness day after day. It has no option but to listen to what we decide. The subconscious does not have the power to overturn our decisions, it faithfully obeys and manifests exactly what we ask it to do.

This is not a tiring task for our body or mind, and there is no question of being fatigued with being happy everyday. It is possible to be full of energy, good humor and happiness day after day. We just need to command our subconscious to do so. Speak with it with authority about your intention to be a happy person. Unhappiness escapes quickly then.

How to speak to your subconscious mind is documented in many books, here is one of the ways that works for me. It is called the visualization technique. When I am relaxed physically, for example just before going to sleep or while meditating or doing yoga, I imagine with all my focus how I want a certain situation to be. I clearly imagine every detail of my intention or goal. For example, if I want my body to be healed of a back pain, I imagine myself completely fit, without pain, flexible and being able to walk and jog easily. I hold this image in my mind and 'feel' being healthy. I never doubt that this picture in my mind is not true or that I am in pain right now. I focus on the good part I want happening in my life. Which is healing, in this case. The pain vanishes in a short time, and I am healthy again.

Another great technique is to keep telling yourself  repeatedly what you want your subconscious to accomplish for you. If you want to be to happy everyday, you can say something on these lines....

'I am happy everyday, I remain calm and peaceful. There is joy in my heart every single day. I am grateful for all the blessings in my life.'

If you are prone to being an anxious and worried person, you can say, 'I am calm and peaceful. I know everything will be settled with harmony and happiness.' 

Feel free to make the message short or long as you wish. The important part is not the length of your message, but your conviction while saying it. Say it in your mind when you feel the urge to be unhappy or angry at someone. When spoken with absolute faith and belief, the message goes to our inner mind and gets lodged there. Our actions follow that message. Very soon, you will see great results from this mind technique.

It has been my repeated and absolute experience that when we don't give the right messages to our subconscious mind, and let it wander in negative habits, our life becomes steadily unhappy and unsuccessful. Also, if we are not incharge of our thinking, others will take charge of our thinking. It is better, therefore, to decide who we want to become as we move forward. The power of our life is in our own hands. The more we use it the more it becomes easy to be powerful, happy, successful, healthy, wealthy, and harmonious individuals. Begin today!

I recommend a great book, 'The Power of your Subconscious Mind' by Dr. Joseph Murphy.