Ten Ways Not to Sabotage Our Own Success

Too many people live off complaining and cribbing and sharing in great detail why their life is so bad. Success is seen as something tough to achieve and more easily seen in others than in us. Therefore, we get more frustrated, more people get to hear our woes, and our mind goes deeper into the abyss of fear, despair and hopelessness that breeds more failure - proving our theory to our self that we can't win like others do.

Here are ten solid, proven tips to beat that self-defeating loop that plays in our minds and takes us away from success. Practice these for 30 days and consider this a challenge to conquer. See how life begins to be more easy, more fun and success becomes your way of life as well.

1. Stop talking about your challenges: 
Yes, there is definite value in sharing our problems so we can halve them.. But most of us unwittingly become 'serial complainers' without even realizing it. We share our complaints and failure and all our petty and big challenges with anyone who cares to listen. What we are doing is embedding in our mind a sentence that says, 'My life is hopeless, I will never make it.' The mind is an obedient servant - rest assured it gives us exactly what we made it believe. So quit cribbing and quit sharing problems with everyone you meet.

2. Develop mental strength:
Mental strength and resilience breaks down every time we give in to worry and anxiety over issues like - am I falling sick, why is my left side hurting since two days, why did that person give me a stern look, why didn't I get appreciated today, what if I can't gather that much money in time, why can't I lose weight, why am I so lazy...and on and on. 99.99% of what we worry about never really happens. Life is dynamic and we aren't smart enough to predict it, so let go. Listen to music, watch a funny TV show, go for a walk, have a cup of tea and look out the window, read a book, watch a movie, mingle with a friend or neighbour, and get to a doctor if you really feel sick. Bottom line - do something constructive, don't just sit and think. Divert your mind, and insulate yourself from petty worries.

3. Quit comparing yourself with others:
How does it matter if the next person earns more than us, lives in a better home, has a better life, is more good looking and takes more vacations in an year? All of this might be true - but how does it help us? Quick answer - it doesn't help us at all to compare ourselves with others. Too many of us confuse inspiration and comparison. If looking at others leaves you feeling unsuccessful, incomplete and negative - then you just compared yourself unfairly. Your life is yours, it will never be exactly like another's. The important question is - do you believe your life can't be the same as someone else's, but it can be unique and absolutely smashing as well? If you can't believe that, you are in deep trouble. Quit comparing, begin believing in yourself and your capacity to succeed.

4. Stop feeling depressed and hopeless:
Quickly recognize your own tendency if you catch yourself sleeping too much, eating too much, putting on weight, feeling irritable often, losing patience with others, turning into a bad listener, losing interest in all activities and finding yourself being alone and broody. All these are signs of stress, hopelessness and despair. Some of us begin thriving on these feelings because they get us a lot of attention and sympathy, and we can manipulate our way out of certain relationship situations. This is not a good place to be, and the best part is that we all can get out of it even in a day's time if we just decide to. Take a decision that you will make an extra effort to be happy and upbeat about life and do what ever it takes to feel at peace. Success doesn't come near those who are hopeless and act like victims- guaranteed.

5. Avoid taking too much advice: 
When we are deeply perturbed and restless no amount of wise advice works. Instead, we get indecisive and more restless as we battle between options that we don't fully understand. Work out your own confusion the best you can, then seek advice at the right time when you are peace. Advice and counsel helps when we have some clarity and peace of mind. Stop chasing the idea that others can solve our problems. They rarely can - you are your own best bet.

6. Don't feel guilty about chasing your dreams:
Chasing our dreams is a gift we all have from nature. We have an equal right to find our dreams and purpose, and feel happy with our achievements. It is a given that none of us want to be irresponsible or selfish, so let's not worry too much about that. Remember, you can't make everyone happy at the same time. So quit trying and stressing yourself out. Do things for yourself and get into the habit of giving yourself importance and love and attention as you give it to others around you. Sacrifice is to be used sparingly in life and generally backfires.

7. Get clarity and take a decision on what you want:
Funny that a lot of us who crib about life are not 100% sure what exactly it is that we are expecting from life. What kind of home, car, vacations, family life, wardrobe, infrastructure, career do we want and desire? If we can develop great clarity we stop wasting our time talking about what we don't have and get excited about what we can achieve. Clarity works like magic. Don't be afraid to dream big, it's your dream, and as long as you are crystal clear what you want, you are likely to get it exactly as you envisioned it.

8. Become a doer, be an action hero:
We all love a movie where the hero saves the world and overcomes all odds. We all love a hero. Then why is it so tough to be one? Because it takes getting up from in front of the TV, computer, chair, sofa, car to actually go and do something about our lives. Superman doesn't fly in through the window, sadly. Make it your agenda to do 5 things daily that bring you closer to your goals. Just this tiny trick can get you massive results. Try it out...begin acting on your good thoughts and solid plans. Be a doer, worship action, get over your fear, laziness, doubt and suspicion and just act on your goals. Be your own action hero.

9. Don't wait for tangible rewards to feel motivated:
As you do your daily 5 actions to get close to your goals, rewards might be seen on some days and not seen on others. Keep at it, don't stop, don't slow down, don't think too much, don't discuss and dissect why you can't see them. Just keep taking action if you are sure you are going as per your plan and all is well with your goals. Momentum has to build to give us rewards that finally will become tangible, quick and numerous. We need to hold on tight and keep the faith until that happens. Never turn around in doubt and never look back. Keep up the self-motivation that fuels success.

10. Believe in yourself when no one does:
It is hugely disappointing when someone gives you a disbelieving look after you've shared all your goals and dreams with them. You instantly see their look and begin suspecting your own competence and capability to succeed. Accept that this will happen in life, and so become your biggest believer and fan. Keep yourself focused on what you want and keep at it no matter how many others feel you can't do it. If you don't believe in yourself, not much chance anyone else will.

Do share if you have another nugget that you think can be added to this list.

To your success always. 

In favor of life....

I am moving from being a collector of things to 'living my life' with less things if possible. For a person who is professionally in the 'people space', I have been constantly 'space challenged' about the non-living stuff in my life. Somehow, my belongings always seem to outdo the space I have to keep them. As a consequence, none of my homes ever do justice to my things - and that means there is always less space for people.

The trend began early - as a child my toys overflowed from their rightful 'toy corner', as a young girl my beautiful clothes were always short of just one more wardrobe shelf, as a working woman my cosmetics constantly fell off their shelf. For most of my life, I have considered this normal.

It was only recently that I began to see the humor and futility of my 'race for space'! I don't need a larger wardrobe - I need less things! I don't need to keep busy - I need a better purpose in my life.

And here's my problem with hoarding things or being busy with being busy or taking care of things I hardly like or buying things I can do without....the more I have and buy, the more time I need to manage it. Somehow, giving so much of my precious time, energy and money to my possessions seems undeserved.

In the natural course of my life, I now enjoy a good meal with a few people I like than a big party with people I don't really care about. I would rather ponder over the legacy I can leave than worry over breaking my grandmother’s crockery. And I know for sure that I can do with much less clothes and shoes than I imagined as long as I can look presentable and smart.

I guess this thought stirred in me many years ago as I stood in a graveyard to be with the memory of a loved one we lost. It was for the first time that I stood amongst the tombstones for a long, reflective moment. I had always known a graveyard, but from a safe distance, with the dispassion and detachment of a young person too far removed from anything that bode the end.

But that day was different, and time stood still. For the first time in my life I realized that death is a great leveler. Irrespective of my achievements, wealth, possessions or another person's wasted life, our stories would end up in the same place some day, and it wouldn't matter which one of us was better looking, or wealthier, or more traveled or had a bigger job.There would only be silence and stillness at the end.

I took that realization as something positive and not necessarily sad. So, this blog is not about death.....it's fervently in favor of life, living...and leaving a legacy. Because even if our stories might end in the same place, our impact on those we leave behind doesn't have to be the same.

Here's my discovery, we don't have to be someone great to leave a legacy, we become great when we leave a legacy. As we do our own thing, dance to our own music, follow our joy, chase our purpose - I hope we also keep a track of those around us, because our life's biggest imprint is not in the graveyard, it lives on in the lives of those we leave behind.

How to act on your dreams!

Isn't it a wonderful feeling to dream of achieving something spectacular, something big and significant.

To have all eyes looking at us and admiring our achievement. I think, it takes an unusual person to not dream of big goals and big success. All of us do, I think, in our own way. It's just that we don't always openly share our biggest dreams with anyone. In fact, we hardly admit them as serious thoughts even to ourselves. It feels silly! Funnily, a major success or a thrilling achievement looks more credible and doable on others than us.

If this thought has crossed your mind, don't believe it even for a minute. The truth is, the great stuff that happens to people we admire and look up to could be happening to us in just a few short months or an year. Really...that soon! You see, how far behind we are on our dreams is not proportionate to the time it will take to catch up with them. Dreams can become reality pretty quickly. And I say this from absolute first-hand experience.

But before that, let me ask. Have you noticed how people less qualified, less intelligent, less talented, less supported, and less financially fortunate continue to achieve their dreams while a lot of times, we aren't able to do the same? Isn't it puzzling how that keeps happening around us on a regular basis? I hope we all understand something here - the above laundry list of qualifications are not 'the most' important things to achieve our dreams.

So, what are these 'other' successful, brilliant, extraordinary people doing that we aren't doing?

Here's a revelation, after watching and speaking with numerous successful people - I found out that they do three significant things. First, they turn their dream into a solid, well articulated GOAL. Second, they BELIEVE in that goal without feeling self-conscious or embarrassed about their goal, and third, they take ACTION! Above and beyond any other ingredient of success, they focus with all their energy on what can they DO to get to that goal.

Many of us believe that having enough money to realize our goal is the most important and first condition. Wrong. Money comes later, much later. Clarity and belief come first! These lead to action right away. We then find surprising avenues to fund our goal or bump into someone at an event who is interested in funding us or any number of weird cross connections help us solve the money problem. There's just one condition.... everything follows....clarity, belief and action.

How does anyone know which actions need to be taken? It is amazing how you get that clarity once you begin thinking hard about your goal. Just the other day, I was thinking about the content of my second book. What should it be about? I realized that creative thoughts refused to come by while I did other stuff, and thought about my second book as a second priority.

I at once left what ever I was doing, and sat down with a brand new notebook and my favorite pen in a quiet corner of my home. I had no idea what I was going to write on those blank pages, but I was confident that once I focused all my positive energy into figuring out my exact goal - I would know what to write.

Lo and behold, something amazing happened within the next half an hour. Promising ideas began to pour out of me, and one inspiring thought led to another. Before I knew, I had outlined two books instead of one. The more I pondered on one idea, the more insights came to me. And here is the best part, as my goal began to clarify in my mind, I automatically started to realize what actions could take me closer to my goal. I now know what I need to do to make my second book a physical reality, and bring it out of the realm of dreams. That is the power of thought! All it took was half an hour of focus.

If I can do this, then why can't any one of you? I don't have a brilliant academic record, I don't know important people in important places, and I have no extra special qualifications than any of you. In fact, at times I wonder if I have too many qualifications, all of which are not even useful! I am an ordinary person with a gigantic amount of belief that anything that I deeply wish for will happen in my life. I live and thrive on that belief. And that makes me take my dreams very seriously and with as much love and honor as I would take any one else's dream if they shared it with me.

So, here is a weekend challenge for anyone who stops by and has read this to the end :) Invest this weekend in searching for that one dream inside of you that refused to leave your conscious thought. Write down your dream in 1-2 lines max. Ponder on it in a quiet place until you can write it down as a goal now - complete with your purpose, end result and time-frame. Then, believe with all your heart. Lastly, list down at least 3 - 4 actions that you know you can take right away!

Take up this challenge and make your weekend count! Loads of good luck and have fun! :)

Hard work does not lead to success

Recently, I attended a program which had a key-note speaker several years my senior, and they said – “Hard work does not lead to success. Only mules work hard.”

I got thinking. Like most of us, I’ve grown up listening to advice about how hard work is the only way to success. I am myself a loyal ally of hard work, and was tempted to dismiss his one-liner but for a sliver of doubt that refused to budge.

I have worked very, very hard for most of my life. So did my parents (and that’s why I do too, actually). Even so, something didn't add up. Not all hard work, either mine or theirs, has led to proportionate success. (We ought to have been billionaires by now. Seriously.) On the contrary, at times not working hard has borne results, and working very hard has delivered disappointments. Has this ever happened to you?

Mighty frustrating, if you ask me! Not to mention - upsets my conditioning.

Though on deeper thought, and considerable mulling, I reached some of these hidden realizations. Do tell me if you concur or otherwise.

In the year 2003, my career slumped dramatically, business was bleak, my finances were in shambles, and I was in no position to help my family or myself. The situation was serious enough to give me several sleepless nights - being awake was nightmare enough, I guess.

I still don’t know what happened back then. But I refused to work harder. The very thought of working harder magnified the irony of the situation. Because the only way I knew to work up until then was with diligence, I had remained admirably honest in the face of great odds, and I knew with conviction I had what it took to be the proud owner of a great career. And yet, I was nearly broke. The anomaly disturbed me more than my condition.

In essence, there was every reason and temptation to work harder and try harder. Instead, I decided to sit at home and think harder. Maybe, there wasn’t much to do outside home, anyway. Some amazing questions arose from a mind-numbing series of personal hardships.

What did I want from life? More importantly, what did life want of me? What did I really want to do? How could I improve as a person? What kind of money did I deserve to earn? What did it take to work with the best? And here's the clincher – if I was so capable, competent, honest, and hard working – what was I doing on the wrong side of success?

While I questioned myself, I unwittingly pictured my life to be beautiful, comfortable, happy, healthy, adventurous, and full of friends and supporters (such happy mind tricks these). I then did something that now seems preposterous and downright laughable. I searched for the best training organization I could find in India, and applied for work through their website. In a month’s time, I was on a flight to join them at their headquarters as a specialist trainer.

And this wasn’t the only dream break I’ve had in life. It had happened to me before and it has happened to me much more than once since. The more I peel the layers of what the key-note speaker might have meant, the more I am prone to agree. Hard work does not lead to success.  

Working hard without a purpose is pointless. Working hard with a solid purpose, and knowing what we hope to achieve from daily hard work, is one of the finer points of the art of achievement. I now understand why at times my hard work failed to deliver. From being a hard worker I have now moved to a hard core, purpose driven worker.

I’ll go so far as to say that it’s much easier and wiser to stop working altogether and find our purpose than to keep blindly working hard in the hope of stumbling across something worthwhile. I work hard every day. The only difference is that I choose carefully what I work hard on, and who I work hard with. That’s smart work, I am learning.  

Maybe, human beings are not meant to work hard. We are meant to think hard and choose smart. And then go at it with all our energy if that’s what we need to do. I have a feeling, success might be ours for the taking.   

Why we settle for a mediocre life...

Why do we settle for a mediocre life? Is it a dearth of knowledge, skills, access, opportunities, encouragement.....or is it something else? Something more obscure, less concrete, elusive and intangible? Something, that lurks nervously underneath the surface of our overt confidence.

This question has stumped me more than once. I have often observed an intriguing specimen of human behavior in this regard. I now feel nearly confident that it’s not our failure that poses a problem; it is our success that proves the unsuspected enemy. The moment we rise above mediocrity and begin finding our way to excellence, we attract critics that spring almost out of nowhere. 

Being our best and becoming more than what others expected us to become seems to startle people. So much so, that we begin suspecting our own motives. And wonder in the calm of solitude if we might have committed an error in judgment? A blunder in being seriously good?

Have you observed this interesting play of human nature? If you have, let me say, that this still doesn’t make our critics malicious people – just makes them human!

When we shine brightly, we unwittingly light up others’ life. In the glare of our glory, their complacency and inaction become painfully visible. Unfulfilled desires and wasted talents suddenly find a voice. And they struggle to respond, like a deer caught in the headlights. The ones who rise above mediocrity force others to face a disturbing reality – of being mediocre when they could have been much more. That hurts.

I remember more than one experience in my life when I rose above my imaginary limitations and became one of those whom I admired. Honestly, I surprised myself, and it was a heady, happy feeling. And my critics rose as well, almost in tandem, as if I had betrayed them and done great disservice to myself. At least that’s how it felt deep down.

It stung me. And I felt betrayed right back. Shouldn’t they have been happy? Ecstatic even? Now this is logic. But then, we aren’t half as logical as we believe ourselves to be. (It’s just one of those things you and I delude us about.) Tough but true. In the spur of the moment, on emotionally charged issues – we decide irrationally; and it’s not always a pleasant stand we take.

So, here is what I am beginning to understand about myself...and others. No matter how many critics and detractors our success and excellence gather, it is a grave error to change our track to accommodate their hurt and indignation. Because their sentiment is misplaced, because they have misconstrued our purpose, because they are unprepared for their own success, and because if we change our course – they might never find theirs.

To sum up in a fluid, graceful bundle of prose, I am reminded of this brilliant quote by Marianne Williamson.....

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

If we are really curious about my initial question, then maybe, we need to look deep underneath. Someplace that only responds to us, and something that guide books generally don’t tell us about.

PS: Just in case you get curious about M Williamson: http://www.marianne.com/contact.htm