Selfish is good...

Some months ago, I heard a talk by the Dalai Lama, and he spoke wisely about the importance of 'thinking about ourselves first' if we are to be of service to others. Now this does seem like a counter-intuitive piece of advice when all we've grown up hearing is that being selfish is a bad and despicable thing, more so, in our culture. But maybe, being selfish is not what he means. Neither does my experience feel so.

Think about this for a while. Unfortunately, so many of our ills and family unrest come from doing what we think will please others or make things harmonious. On the contrary, and over years of familial closeness, situations and relationships worsen. To make it feel more wretched, we realize after twenty years of effort that no one ended up as happy with us as we had hoped for. On the contrary, we have ladled on our plate a good helping of blame for past messes. I've come to resent the idea of living to please others and keeping peace at the expense of my own peace of mind. It is self-defeating, unproductive, and does more harm than any good in the long-term. Believe me, love and service are not meant to be like that. Love is something else.

I feel, selfish is good. Not in a 'what-is-yours-is-mine-and-what-is-mine-is-mine' kind of way. But more in a way that says - I need to first make myself happy, fend for my wellbeing, employ my talents, nurture my spirit, create a healthy body, and find my livelihood - then I am available to share my life and love with others. Something tremendous happens once we follow this path - we are not just more available to others, we have more energy, gusto, and willingness to be inclusive and thoughtful. In the absence of having taken care of our self, our enthusiasm to serve and love others gradually declines to grudging resentments and an uncomfortable feeling of being used or taken advantage of. Harsh as it may sound, this is not noble, just cowardice - with a dash of denial.

I am changing myself, and the change is coming upon me like a gentle breeze. I no longer believe that I can be useful to others if I have not served myself first or loved myself first. And yes, it does make others sit-up and take notice. Btw, others around you will grudge you the change because not being driven by their moods is to their disadvantage, unless they love you so much that they are happy for your progress as a person. That way I am lucky with some people in my life who always support me, it makes it easier to deal with those who don't. Hope you find that support too. And if you don't, never give up on being your true self.

The way to inner happiness is to make yourself happy first, follow your joy, have your cup overflowing before others can take a sip from it. Only when we are whole can we genuinely share our self with others.