The 'one word' that is a serious leadership turn off

You've been at the receiving end of this one word today or even a few minutes ago. Or you are the one who just spoke it and doesn't even realize. We all cringe at that word because it shuts out possibilities, makes things less desirable, cripples action and confuses others about our intentions and what we want done.

That one word is also a necessary part of our vocabulary, if you can't abandon it altogether, let's at least make an effort to use it sparingly and consciously.

That 'one word' is - Don't! Think if you have heard it recently, this week, today, a few minutes ago.

Did someone just ask you what they 'don't' want you to do or say, rather than what they would prefer you to do or say. And, they didn't even realize that their intention was to make you do the opposite, which is - have you do or say something that was desirable?

I was a don't person, and those close to me pointed out to me how often my sentences would begin with a don't rather than what I wanted to see happening instead. So, I would say, 'don't write that email right now, wait for me to provide you more data', instead, I could have as easily said, 'Once I provide you the data, you can send off that email we just discussed'. Simple? While it is, using don't is a matter of conditioning.

So, from real and personal experience, this is why I think 'don't' creeps into our communication as leaders.

Don't is often an ailment that afflicts the perfectionists among us, those of us who want things done a certain way, are highly committed and conscientious and love to see the outcome just as we envisioned it. Now reality doesn't often work like that, and so over a period of time we get scared and skeptical of another's ability to make our vision a reality. Which is why maybe, don'ts creeps into our communication when we want the opposite to be accomplished.

Here's how you can get alert and take action to get rid of the 'don't' habit in as little as a month's time! Believe me, your team will be happier and more responsive to your requests. Get ready to see more action than inaction!

1.Listen to yourself

This is not as hard as you may think. Given most leaders consider their own voice music to their ears, put your temptation to good use and listen to yourself talk. It's easy if you focus and speak just a little bit slower than you usually would. Now look out for the don'ts. You'll get so good at this within a week that you will be counting them off mentally.

2. Write down sentences that begin with a don't

Writing makes it more real and easier to learn from. Now that you are more tuned to listening to yourself, write down actual sentences you began with a don't over your work day. Do this daily for a week. You will now be able to see clearly that you are using don't when you could have used 'do' instead. For eg., 'Don't call me for the next one hour, I want to focus', instead you could have said, 'I'll like to focus on this report for the next one hour, and take calls after that.' Easy right, and makes so much more sense to the person listening.

3. Be clear about what you want happening

As you work towards breaking the don't habit, know that team members, your assistant, your peers, customers or even your boss is more likely to comply with your wishes if you clearly say what you want happening. 'For eg., 'I'd really want us to brainstorm on these ideas today and be ready with our recommendations for me to present next week.' When you speak in do terms, you make it so much more easy to follow your instructions, requests and recommendations as a leader. Use don't and you make it harder for the human mind to process what exactly do you want them to do. In fact, don't sentences make people drop the ball more often. Less ambiguity of your intentions = more chances of the work getting done.

4. Get feedback

Now that you are taking corrective action are nearing the one-month period to get rid of the don't habit, depute a couple of close friends, family, your kids or peers to raise a finger and signal to you when you lapse into the don't habit again. Or figure out a signal that might be fun and get you alert at the same time. Know that they have your best interest at heart and you are enlisting their support. So, be patient with them and yourself. When you see the signal that you just began a sentence with a don't -

Pause.

Now reframe the sentence and say what you want happening. Old habits do die hard. So keep at it. You will be amazed at how starting your sentences affirmatively and positively has a wonderful ripple effect on those who work most closely with you. It makes them less anxious around you and more alert. Sit back and enjoy the change!

After all these years, an alarm bell goes off in my head if I begin with a don't when I could have done a better job. I right away reframe it in my head, apologise to the other person and give it another shot.

Don't = opposite of what you want done, confuses the other person = ball gets dropped

Do = This is exactly what you want & how you want it done = greater goal achievement

This is How New Managers Can Have a Great 1st Meeting With Their Team

Who should be reading this? You recently got promoted to a manager, you are looking forward to becoming one soon or your direct report is about to become a new manager. Great, then this post will speak to you. First impressions do matter - at least in the short-term - and considering meeting your new team is not an easy introduction anyway, you might want to do everything you can to make it a great introductory meeting.

Years ago, I was a new manager and believe me, the first few days were absolutely embarrassing and painful. Since then, I have met several colleagues who have gone through similar situations and just worked it out as they went along. I hope you read this and find really useful and very doable tips to do a better job than I did when I started out.

What Goes Wrong? We are individual contributors, we don't know HOW to be a Manager! That's what goes wrong to begin with. Those above us assume we know what to do because we excelled in a previous role. This logic does not apply.

It's amazing how individual contributors are promoted to people managers (even in large and apparently well organised work places), and expected to land gracefully on their feet in this new and challenging role. Not happening. Most of of them, like me, flounder the first few months and eventually discover what works and what is obviously not working. This wastes energy and time, and moreover strains relationships with our team when it could have been a much better beginning.

Here are strategies that will help you have a smooth and comfortable all important introduction with your newly acquired team. And if you get to the end of this post, you will likely have a clear roadmap to a successful first meeting.

Be enthusiastic. It absolutely matters that you step into the beginning of your managerial journey with an open mind and a positive attitude. Smile. Shake hands or greet everyone and scan the team. Look at everyone as you sit down and keep on the smile as you do. This also shows the team that you are confident and are entering this meeting on an upbeat note.

Don't have a formal agenda. I know you must be saying, but all effective meetings need an agenda. They do, and you can have couple of points in your head to start you out. However, a written down agenda that is circulated to the team before you meet can be avoided at all cost. This helps to tone down the discomfort and anxiety your team might be feeling, and let them know this is an introduction, not a serious work meeting that will leave everyone with a pile of work at the end, but not tell them much about you as a manager and your work style.

Have an informal agenda. Going into a meeting without a plan is never a good idea, so that's not what I meant by point no. 2 above. Have your plan, but keep it informal and flexible and make it clear right at the outset. Starting by saying something like, 'I do have a few points I'd like to touch upon as we get to know each other better, but please feel free to jump in and share what might be one thing on top of your mind that we can discuss as a team or would help me to be aware of.' Be open to the agenda taking a different turn than you had anticipated, allow room for deviations and unplanned information. It's alright.

Listen hard and talk less. I can't overemphasize the importance of doing well in your first meeting simply by being an active listener. Really, no one is expecting gems of wisdom right off the bat, everyone is likely uncomfortable to some degree. Remain attentive to what's happening to the conversation. Watch your team's reaction to your opening comments and to your proposal to keep things simple and informal. Let everyone know you are happy to take questions, and this is in fact a meeting you are looking forward to listening in to more. Yes, be transparent that you might be talking much less than they anticipated. It let's the team know this meeting is as much about them as you, and that you aren't up for an assessment. You are all in this together now.

Expect some cribs and pain to tumble out. In some ways, getting a new manager is almost like getting another parent. While we don't actively think of our relationship with our managers in this way, it is THE most important relationship we will have in all of the organisation. It matters to us that our manager know our pain and area of struggle, and help us out, so we can find success and fulfillment in our roles. Let the unhappy lot have their say. New managers also attract old complainers and those who may have an axe to grind with the organisation, their previous managers or their work situations. Shutting them down won't make them go away. Plus they might be making a point you need to be aware of as their manager.

Don't feel pressured to solve problems. This is certainly not the right meeting for you to put on your solution mindset hat. In fact, be watchful of your temptation to begin providing solutions to what you may see as familiar issues you have dealt with before. Very likely you may not know the big picture of where the complaint is coming from or what might already have been done to help the person's situation. On the other hand, you may be well aware and were briefed on a certain issue beforehand by you manager, even so, hold the temptation to fix the complaint. Plenty of time to do that later and one-on-one.

End on a positive, uplifting note. Ending a meeting with a question mark and uncertainty is not setting yourself up for success for later meetings. Your team will be watching your every move. Irrespective of where the conversation may have gone, provide direction on next steps such as, another meeting with a specific agenda, one-on-ones, supplying more clarity next time you meet them, a promise to begin looking into hot issues and complaints with fairness and transparency, helping with data that the team needs urgently, or working together to enhance the overall team performance - with an emphasis on 'together'. Choose your words wisely, but make it sincere and positive.

If you take care of these basics in your first 'all important' team meeting, you might be in for a better start as a new manager than you anticipated!

Do leave comments on some of your good and not-so-good first meeting experiences.