Guilt is good...

I mean that. I feel it too. And it sounds like a mighty attractive title to boot!

Guilt is good. It is healthy. It is not all negative. And it is definitely not pointless. I discovered this as late as when I was in the middle of writing my first book, Corporate Nirvana. I wrote effortlessly about the secret to turning guilt into our biggest positive force. And I was a bit surprised where all the information poured onto the pages from.

Over the years of my voracious, hungry reading of books and resultant thinking, I have come to understand some tricks of my mind. But then, books don’t teach us the secrets of our mind – thinking does.

I don’t mind saying that guilt is the starting point of all that is good. It is an impartial critic whom we detest for telling the truth, but depend on for showing the way.

Till recent years ago, I spent hours and nights brooding on my decisions or lack thereof, beating myself up for hasty words and imperfect actions. Then something began to change. I began grudging the time spent in regurgitating the past. I started questioning the wisdom of finding my faults and absolving others of theirs. I am glad I felt guilty...about my guilt..!!

And this is my enlightening discovery. Guilt is the only way to begin feeling happy again. Without it, we would never discover the follies of our devilish mind. Have you discovered that unbridled confidence breeds corruption. Or that uninterrupted happiness hampers improvement. Though we are wired to be happy – regrets are meant to feel unhappy and uncomfortable. These interruptions are good. They jump start our life. We value happiness when we are unhappy, just like we crave peace when we are perturbed. Or how else would we know what we want? To me this makes complete sense.

But there’s a trick here – and a smart one at that. Guilt is like quicksand. Try too hard, and we go under faster. Let go, and we have a chance.

Here’s how guilt turns into the biggest positive force of our life. Next time you have deep, bitter regrets.....allow yourself some forgiveness and a generous distance from the past. If guilt is the protagonist of our past, hope is the determined leader of the future. Once we take this step, we begin to understand how we can set things right – or that we can’t set them right anymore – so we must let go. Like quicksand, life responds better when we aren’t thrashing about in despair.

My personal experiences have taught me the utility of feeling guilty, and that without it, we might never feel the powerful surge of motivation to set things right, or make the best of what we have today. But for guilt, we might never realize that time spent in regrets doesn’t make things right - but time invested in asking meaningful questions of our guilt, makes all the difference.

Guilt is good. So next time you find yourself there, feel at peace. Guilt has a purpose - of propelling us to progress, searching for answers, fostering forgiveness, and doggedly pursuing our best self.
  

Just in case you get curious about Corporate Nirvana http://www.flipkart.com/books/9380227856

What leadership means to me....

More than a decade ago, as a struggling research assistant still, I sat in a massive library packed with countless management books. Overwhelmed, I wondered what to pick first. As I stared up at the towering book racks, a smallish book on leadership caught my eye. I guess, my subconscious chose better than if I had consciously tried to pick an impressive tome.

That book was ‘On Becoming a Leader’ by Warren Bennis. As is the wont of youth, and accompanying exuberance, I had decided after five pages that Bennis would be my favourite leadership author henceforth.

Since then, I’ve noticed an interesting fact.  Full-blooded adulthood, and the cynicism and scepticism that come with it, systematically wipe out most youthful fancies. But if Bennis has stood the test of time, and I still go looking for leadership inspiration in his books, then maybe, I was right sitting in that hot library so long ago. And the man really knows what he is talking about.

After that first, heady brush with leadership learning, I went on to read many articles, interviews, quotes, and books by him and others on leadership. Without prompting, persuasion, or peer pressure – I had decided in a resolute corner of my young mind that leadership was my life’s calling.

I can safely say that Bennis’s deceptively simple, gracefully convincing, and unusually engaging take on leadership has had a profound effect on my adult life - both personally and professionally. I think I am a better person as a result. He emphatically sealed for me facts of leadership that I had heard only in whispers till then.

I guess he is partly to be blamed if people consider me honest beyond practicality, a believer beyond reason, a visionary beyond repair, and a soul-searcher beyond salvage. I can live with that.

Thanks to my mentor (even if only through books) I have begun to understand the secrets of my own mind. I can tap at will, and within moments, into my vision and imagination. In some of my darkest hours, I have found the right path to lead myself into the realm of possibilities. And everything became clearer after that. Leadership is the end-result, as Warren Bennis says, and not the beginning.

I have recently come to realize something else of profound importance to me personally. Leading an organization or team is a lesser priority for me, and I feel no embarrassment in saying so. Leading myself, on the other hand, is something I hope not to falter at. Leadership is not something I only practice, it is something I am. It is not about my position, it is about my mind. And as years go by, I crave for authenticity, not authority.

I am convinced beyond doubt that I am not a born leader. Though, I believe with greater conviction that I have led myself in to becoming one.

PS: Just in case, you get curious: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warren_Bennis

Why we settle for a mediocre life...

Why do we settle for a mediocre life? Is it a dearth of knowledge, skills, access, opportunities, encouragement.....or is it something else? Something more obscure, less concrete, elusive and intangible? Something, that lurks nervously underneath the surface of our overt confidence.

This question has stumped me more than once. I have often observed an intriguing specimen of human behavior in this regard. I now feel nearly confident that it’s not our failure that poses a problem; it is our success that proves the unsuspected enemy. The moment we rise above mediocrity and begin finding our way to excellence, we attract critics that spring almost out of nowhere. 

Being our best and becoming more than what others expected us to become seems to startle people. So much so, that we begin suspecting our own motives. And wonder in the calm of solitude if we might have committed an error in judgment? A blunder in being seriously good?

Have you observed this interesting play of human nature? If you have, let me say, that this still doesn’t make our critics malicious people – just makes them human!

When we shine brightly, we unwittingly light up others’ life. In the glare of our glory, their complacency and inaction become painfully visible. Unfulfilled desires and wasted talents suddenly find a voice. And they struggle to respond, like a deer caught in the headlights. The ones who rise above mediocrity force others to face a disturbing reality – of being mediocre when they could have been much more. That hurts.

I remember more than one experience in my life when I rose above my imaginary limitations and became one of those whom I admired. Honestly, I surprised myself, and it was a heady, happy feeling. And my critics rose as well, almost in tandem, as if I had betrayed them and done great disservice to myself. At least that’s how it felt deep down.

It stung me. And I felt betrayed right back. Shouldn’t they have been happy? Ecstatic even? Now this is logic. But then, we aren’t half as logical as we believe ourselves to be. (It’s just one of those things you and I delude us about.) Tough but true. In the spur of the moment, on emotionally charged issues – we decide irrationally; and it’s not always a pleasant stand we take.

So, here is what I am beginning to understand about myself...and others. No matter how many critics and detractors our success and excellence gather, it is a grave error to change our track to accommodate their hurt and indignation. Because their sentiment is misplaced, because they have misconstrued our purpose, because they are unprepared for their own success, and because if we change our course – they might never find theirs.

To sum up in a fluid, graceful bundle of prose, I am reminded of this brilliant quote by Marianne Williamson.....

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

If we are really curious about my initial question, then maybe, we need to look deep underneath. Someplace that only responds to us, and something that guide books generally don’t tell us about.

PS: Just in case you get curious about M Williamson: http://www.marianne.com/contact.htm

In the pursuit of happiness....

My three and a half year old niece, who was fretting about going to play school, was asked this question. Do you want to be educated or uneducated? Without a moment’s hesitation she looked us squarely in the eye and said – “I want to be happy!”

I learned that day.

We are all born experts at being happy. And yet there are shelf-full of books in every book store telling us about 10-steps, 7-ways, and 21-great ideas about ‘how to be happy’. It doesn’t add up. If we already knew to be happy, and God programed us so, then what the hell happened since then and now? Pun intended.

Here’s my take on it after observing myself falling into the (un)happiness trap more than once since I was a drooling toddler who always laughed and smiled.

As we enter adulthood, we learn that being happy means we have the responsibility to keep ourselves happy. As a consequence – we are held responsible if that state morphed into unhappiness for some reason. This is too much to ask in a day and age when switching channels can ‘do the needful.’ When we can’t find that right channel to put us in a good mood, at least we can blame the rotten programming of channels we pay good money to watch.

On a more sensible note: Being happy is on our hands. We make ourselves happy. And however unkind people might be to us, they seriously don’t have enough power over us to MAKE us unhappy. Unless, of course, we have granted them the power, in which case, we are puppets in their hands – much like the remote we click to toggle between channels. The feeling of controlling others is a heady one. Being controlled seems to have its own addicts. If those that control us are having a good time, let me upset the cart by saying we also derive some twisted pleasure in being driven by them. An unpleasant medicine to gulp, but bitterly true.

Another interesting fact about being happy that I’ve discovered. Big things don’t make us more happy and small things don’t make us less happy – in proportion. We are not talking physics and matter here. This is about the mysteries of the mind that we don’t yet measure in micro ounces. And thank God for that. I can safely say that looking for more happiness in more money, a bigger home, a pricier car, or a fancier job is just a trap. And here is how it works. If we can’t be happy with what we have we generally end up being unhappy with what we get. I think this is nature’s brilliant way to put the brakes on our wild-goose chase for more happiness.

How tough is it to find happiness, anyway? Very, I think. We aren’t supposed to ‘find’ it, we need to create it. And that’s where I think our confusion becomes messy and painful. It is not a thing that we can find. Happiness is about beliefs and related feelings that we create.

And if we understand that, then we can do two things to create happiness which I find very useful.

For starts, we can stop comparing our life with others to figure out what they have which we don’t. It is a big mistake and causes so much unhappiness. The only way to achieve all the good stuff in our life is to compare ourselves with ourselves. Now that is healthy and effective both.

Secondly, we need to accept that happiness is a paradox. When we find it right next to us, it stays. When we go looking for it, it becomes elusive. Rather sadistic, but that’s the nature of happiness.

I genuinely hope that in our pursuit of happiness, we become happy people. In my personal experience, happy people have a happy life.

You got mail....

I remember a time in our home when we didn’t own a phone line. Neither did we have television in our country. Not to mention, mobiles and internet were like that funny stuff that only happened in Isaac Asimov’s brilliant books. Those were nice days, frankly.

Then television came to India. This was the early 80s. We didn’t realize that we were sitting ducks for an invasion more unbelievable than anything we had read even in Star Trek books.

Yet there was an innocence and child-like feel to early television. No one spoke things they ought not to be saying on national TV, or through any other mode of communication, for that matter, women were more like what God meant us to be, regressive TV soaps hadn’t assaulted our senses, and young people didn't mouth profanities and do scandalous stuff in out-of-control-shudder-inducing reality shows.

But before that could happen, we welcomed with open arms more infernal gadgets with much greater insidious powers than television could ever muster. The internet and mobile revolution were already seeping into undiscovered territories of our uncluttered minds.

Today, I can’t lift my finger without clicking something. The fun part is I’ve caught myself clicking buttons when I didn’t need to be clicking them. It’s a habit. Sad and mad.

So, here’s my resolve for the next three weeks – I will reduce my interface with technology and try and get back to manual modes of doing things as much as possible. I am not swinging to the other extreme and packing my bags for the cave ages, just reducing the unnecessary static.

Honestly, there is still a lot we can do without clicking buttons. I want to try out this experiment. I shall report back if there are any significant withdrawal symptoms. I am not ruling out uncontrollable twitching fingers and deep depression, coupled with the feeling of falling into an abyss of desperate disconnectedness. Or maybe...not.

Till the recent past, we walked over and met people when we missed them. Now we SMS them. And yet I have decided to be brave and do some hard work. Like my parents used to. Is that why they still have well-wishers from forty-five years ago who don’t mind crossing continents just to meet each other – face-to-face. They are also the ones who still write letters and send cards.

With such bolstering thoughts, let me venture nervously into the real world again. Please do respond if you get a rescue call from me to get me my virtual fix. Maybe, I got mail! 

PS: Just in case you get curious: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isaac_Asimov

Life won’t wait for you to retire – enjoy it now!

I recently watched in a theatre, Farhan Akhtar’s, ‘Zindagi Na Milegi Dobaara’ – which means – you won’t get another life, this is it. I loved the movie and laughed through most of it. There were some touching moments, too. In response to the heroine asking when the hero will enjoy his wealth, he says, “I have a plan, as soon as I turn 40, I’ll retire, then I will enjoy my money.” To which she says, “How do you know you will live that long?” And he’s speechless. I loved that line.

Isn’t it amusing that we don’t forget to go to work every day, but we forget to live every day? It is startling for me to find friends increasingly ambitioning to retire in their 40s and.....then enjoying life. Until then, they are happy to slog for more, frantically run around to tame their schedules, sacrifice long vacations to be at presentations, and compromise their health to cram more in a day.

As if, what we are losing in the bargain will wait to be salvaged after forty years.

It just doesn’t make sense to me. Does it to you? To wait for a perfect time to enjoy the labour of your hard work and money? And here’s my personal fear. I might be gone already by the time I am in my forties or not fit enough to travel or enjoy life. What makes us so confident of good health and being alive when we live in a world as unpredictable and dangerous as ours? Think about it – is it logical to count on the uncertainty of life and our fickle fate? I am not sure if we are preparing for a great post forty party or inviting painful regrets that might linger till our last breath.

So, try another way if you can. Wake up and make the most of that day. Do what really appeals to you. Do what makes you smile and feel you lived a great day. Work can’t be so disparate from what we enjoy that it turns into a necessary evil. We work to live, not the other way round.

Not tough, really. Just that it doesn’t cross our minds on a daily basis. As they say, out of sight out of mind. That which we don’t see is forgotten quickly. So make living your life a graphic part of your thinking. Think in pictures of a great life, so you can remember the images every day. And life has a better chance to live today than after fifteen years.

I love this quote, ‘Life is what happens to us while we are busy planning other things.’ Says it all.

PS: Do let me know your thoughts on this. What do you think of post forty retirement plans? What’s your plan?

The advantages of being restless...

“Why can’t you sit still? You are so clumsy.” I heard this from an irate physics teacher of mine in grade eight. I could have said, well, for one you aren’t a great physics teacher, and second, I am the restless sort. Plus, I thought you were trained to figure that out about kids!

Now this kind of repartee comes to my mind only decades later and thankfully, not in the moment.

Since school, I’ve begun to see a pattern in how others respond to me. I’ve heard that I am changeable. And put too much faith in the potency of change. Trust people first, and then distrust them if proven wrong. I put myself out there too much and risk exposing my true feelings. Stretch hope beyond reason. I dream too much and too big. I believe my good intentions will be understood. That my ambitions are unrealistic most of the times. And that I get too passionate about things – if there is such a mistake. Guilty as charged.

Am all of this and more. I am a restless soul. Not in the sense of being perturbed in my mind or changing my seat every ten minutes. Not that kind of restlessness. That is unrest. The good kind of restlessness is more to do with being dissatisfied with the status quo. It is about being wholeheartedly involved with life and asking every single day - what next! Restless people can’t be observers if a life-changing opportunity springs forth or a dazzling possibility just struck their fertile minds.

I think there is rare beauty to the quality of restlessness. Nature wired us for it. Sadly, very often we choose to suppress it, so life can be more ‘stable’ and ‘predictable’. In the bargain, we slow down to a reluctant amble, much like stooped old people in a park. We learn to be more matured and less excitable. Only kids have the license to be excited. Maybe, that’s why they are so ingenious at success or getting others involved in their goals.

Being restless is a worthy goal. It has the potential and power to set us apart from the disturbing trend of apathy and mediocrity. Digging deep for our real feelings and authentic responses can be painful. What would happen if we accepted that pain and decided against the commonplace. The pain then turns pleasurable. And restlessness becomes an ally as we conspire to get the most out of life.

Be restless. Love to change. Get ambitious to do your best. Dream more, so you can worry less. Restlessness is the cure, not the ailment.

The secret to being successful

It's confounding, confusing, and complicated to succeed. If we watch too much reality TV, that is.

Success is not just exciting and enriching - it is surprisingly within reach and logical. In fact, you might be hard-pressed to fail if you realized the secrets of it. In my experience with failing miserably and succeeding spectacularly by turns, I have reached some enlightening secrets to success. Here goes.

Some years ago, after falling into the rut of my work, and doing things that even I found uninspiring, it dawned on me. I had been focusing on the wrong things. My job could never make me successful. Nor could the best organization or boss in the world. I had to make me successful.

‘Job description’ sounds like a boring thing. It is boring. Think about this. Succeeding on goals decided for us by others is self-defeating and contradictory. And what’s on paper, generally fails the reality test. Real success is driven from the inside. Here's the first success fact. We need to align our strengths and talents to our broader role at work.  Once you’ve done that mapping, coming up with creative and brand new ways to expand your usefulness within the role is much faster and easier. Just think up of something no one around you is doing or might even be capable of, but that is the need of the customers and the organization. Everyone will sit up and listen. Trust me.

The other fact about success. Let’s quit blaming our job, organization, and boss. These can contribute to our failure, but are generally not responsible for our success. Success is internal and inside-out. Those on the outside can’t make you succeed even if they wanted to. They can inspire, but only you can crack the final piece. You absolutely need to know what you want to succeed with, when, how, and to what extent – these are fundamental to success. Awareness leads to grand success.

The next fact about success is this. Don’t sign up for someone else’s idea of what will make you successful. It is never wise to repose too much faith in others to rise above our limitations. If we are lucky, we find that one great person to support us. But even that wise person does not know the secrets of our soul. Our inner voice speaks only to us - by design. Superbly successful people listen to everyone’s content, but listen to themselves with absolute intent.

And the last fact about success. Success requires intelligence, but not the kind that is measured by IQ tests. It needs a twist! No matter how experienced, talented, intelligent, or educated you might be – above all - you need to be original. Honestly, succeeding is not hard. There is very little to mess up unless we are unaware of our unique strengths, and that which we do with an individual flair. No one can duplicate that. And that kind of uniqueness brings heaps of success. Remember the law of scarcity - what people can't do or have is what they value and want.

I strongly believe that the road to success is quite clear and easy to spot. You only get lost when your path is leading to goals not suited to you.

Flowers at night and selling more

These aren't two separate blog topics. I do mean that you can sell more if you learned from flower vendors, and bought from them at night, especially. Let me add, I strictly speak of India here.

Yesterday evening, I sent off someone to get some roses and gerberas from one of the make-shift florists near my place. I got the flowers, alright. But the vendor, taking advantage of the darkness, sent back flowers cleverly disguised to look fresh, but on the verge of sudden death within hours!

It was a trusting soul I sent off on my errand. Who assumed, as most of us unsuspecting customers do, that they will get goods in proportion to the vendor's promises and the money paid hence. Wrong assumption to make, I guess.

This country seems to be in such a tearing hurry to make a quick buck that dishonesty and deceit have turned into 'business strategies'. And I am not just talking about flower vendors here. I find this growing trend in education and medical care as well. Dangerous areas to be implementing the above 'business strategy'.

I ended up angry, wronged, and frustrated about being cheated so blatantly. I have a good mind to go back to the flower guy (with the dead flowers) and tell him that he's not cheated me, he's done a great dis-service to his business. Not only will I not buy from him in the future, I will make sure I discourage my friends, neighbors, and anyone who cares to listen that you won't give value for their hard earned money. And moreover, if you cheat me when it's dark, I won't trust you in broad daylight either. Trust, as it happens, is not a question of time of day. I want to tell him he's lost more than one customer.

Then I wonder if it will make any difference to him. He's small fry in the larger scheme of things. He's just selling flowers....at worst, they will wilt. The rest of us sell products/services that can do more damage than rotten flowers can.

Once we begin using the dubious business strategies afflicting most businesses here, celebrity endorsements and glossy ads saying otherwise don't stand a chance. Will we understand anytime soon that not giving value in return for money is the worst kind of marketing mistake we can commit? For the sake of our economy, I hope we do.

Five ways to be an extraordinary person

The best way I can define extraordinary is this.They are people who get it right. Not just do they succeed in their purpose, but enjoy the fruits of it. They seem to live a good life without getting hassled. They are poised and prepared for success. And their success is meaningful.

We all know that one person we think is living an extraordinary life. But that is someone else. How about you and me? Can you become that extraordinary person?

Here are my five ways to become an extraordinary person. I do my share of all of this everyday. You could start today - literally.

1. BELIEVE: Self-doubt and extraordinary never go together. If you have any doubt that you can't become extraordinary, your journey got tough right away. I recommend that we have more belief in our abilities and talents than sounds reasonable, even to us. What might be the results if you believed in yourselves more than anyone else around does or can? Extraordinary people have a huge amount of belief that they are capable of achieving great success.

2. BE PASSIONATE: Have you noticed that those you look up to seem to enjoy everything they do? Here is the secret. They do what they love to do...consciously and consistently. They really LIVE their life! The best way to be passionate about your work and life is to do what you enjoy doing. Doing things for money alone never works. Extraordinary people attract money by loving what they do.

3. FORGIVE: Seriously. Ordinary people waste precious time and energy holding grudges and remembering past hurts. And settling their scores. Walking with baggage slows us down. Extraordinary people understand the importance of feeling energetic and positive everyday. Let the past go, so it can let you go. Make room for your future success.

4. CHOOSE WELL: Just because we get a tempting offer for work, for a partner, for money, or for an opportunity does not mean it is the right thing for us. Choose well. Choose carefully. Extraordinary people take up meaningful projects that resonate with their best strengths and deepest desires. That is how they craft a life of their choice. Choices make up our life. So choose smartly.

5. FINISH: Generally, we are great beginners and poor finishers. Many opportunities that can make our life extraordinary languish in the background as we forget to close the loop on them. Or just get distracted by the pressures of life. Finish what you begin. Get into the discipline of completion. There's less competition there. Extraordinary people know that what gets finished is what gets results.

As with all meaningful things in life, becoming extraordinary is not an overnight task. It takes some time and discipline. Conscious commitment though can turn our life around. What is extraordinary is what gets noticed in our busy world today. Feel free to begin today!

The virtue of failure

I can never forget two months of painful unemployment right after my MBA. Made more excruciating by friends finding jobs. I guess, humiliation gets magnified under the fragile lens of youth. I fretted for a longish time until my mind was exhausted. Then it happened - my spirit nudged me and I was reminded that I was worth more than what I was reduced to. The right door was yet to open, no wonder the wrong ones kept opening - tempting me to fail and therefore, see with clarity that which only failure can reveal. And thankfully, see I did.

This happens to me often. As if God has a time table for all of us, and the days we ought to fail are already marked like test days in school for subjects we are bad at. And off we go skidding on the road to failure. Good thing someone has a system for us to fail or constant success would prove disastrous.

I completely believe, for years now, that desperation brings out our best. And clarity strikes in the depths of darkness. We work the hardest when hope is all we got. Will you not agree with me that darkness makes visible that which light is unwilling to uncover? Success is dazzling, it has a way of obscuring what lies beneath. And happiness has little use for questions. But the nature of failure is different. It is hard and unbending. And under its stern gaze we ask questions which never would have crossed our minds otherwise.

Failure is a definite virtue. Or maybe, the value of failure lies in leading us to virtue. Or how else would we have tested our relationship, with ourselves and others. Why would we ever ask tough questions that need asking. And why would we take action even when it might be the hardest thing to do. All of this is not the domain of success, failure on the other hand, is a specialist.

This is true for me as a writer, too. I write all the wrong lines before I know which ought to be the right ones. By not writing well, I generally reach my goal of writing well.

Life's like that also. We need love as much as we do a hard blow once in a while. Just to get us back on track. Failure leads to success. Without a fail.

The hardest kind of honesty

I like people who are honest - about themselves. Among many different traits I can like, I end up noticing and liking this one the most. In fact, think about your own life, I bet you can dislike people on several counts, but you like people on one or two major traits.

Honesty pervades several parts of our life and can be interpreted from as many different angles. Yet the most enduring kind of honesty and probably the hardest of them all is to be honest to ourselves. To be who we are and not be afraid to reflect that in our actions.

I recently had a meeting with the head of a very reputed organization, a man who holds important positions, and does a good job of all of them. I was impressed that he didn't just talk the talk, he walked the talk. Every sms, email, and phone call reflected the values that his job demanded of him. Though that kind of commitment is hardly ever job driven.

We had a great conversation, and at the end I couldn't help asking him how he coped with so many responsibilities and if he was happy being so busy? His answer was prompt and brutally honest. No. He wasn't happy with being that busy and didn't think it was wise to be working as much. He was most disarming when he said, he was at a loss about how to set this right. But he needed to.

I gaped at how someone like him could afford to be so honest. Then I realized, he wasn't being honest to me really, he was just being honest to himself. It was a habit, he couldn't pose to be any one else than who he really was.

I came away a wiser person and now have proof that even when the stakes are high, we can be honest to ourselves and by extension to others. And that's why I think he is so successful.

10 confounding dilemmas about Twitter

It's been more than an year that I joined the mysterious gaggle of - tweeple. If I had known this before signing up for Twitter, I might have thought a bit harder about the whole thing.

But there I was, stepping nervously into twitterverse and twittering right along with tweeple. And never were 140 characters more alluring. Though, stringing together 140 meaningful characters...including spaces...really challenged me intellectually!

One year down the line - I am still figuring this out.

Here go my top 10 confounding dilemmas about Twitter....

1) 'Who am I on Twitter?' - is a more weighty existential question than for example - 'What was I thinking?' Don't look at me, I haven't got that far. Wait...I read this somewhere. If I am on Twitter - I must be a Twit. I think Nietzsche just turned in his grave.

2) Why are we on Twitter? I would say to be heard by others about every little pot hole that my car bounced over and landed with a thud. I can tweet even before I land! That way, it's fresh, and it can be accommodated in 140 characters...including spaces.

3) Who follows us on Twitter? Exactly my sentiments - what kind of people follow strangers, huh? I think there are bots following each other posing as real people. It's not possible for real people to constantly ask questions, answer questions, make comments, and observations - all in 140 characters - including spaces.

4) Why do they follow us on Twitter? The answer is - it's all a conspiracy. They follow you not because they like you. But because you are supposed to follow them back! Took me a whole year to get this straightened out after everyone started 'un-following' me post following me for two days. Meanwhile, I developed a complex that maybe, my 140 didn't make the cut! Too many spaces, I think.

5) How do you increase followers? By constantly retweeting their ruddy tweets. It's almost extortion. If you don't do it, they won't follow you. Even if you are following them, keeping in mind rule no. 4 above.

6) How to get retweeted? Two ways. One, by making ponderous observations of the world around us, or if you ran short of original thoughts, cut-pasting famous quotes. Two, by pleading with celebs (twits with a higher quotient) to 'please, please' retweet them. And celebs actually do. I need to rethink the 'higher quotient' part.

7) What is a Twitter achievement? Being in touching distance of Justin Beiber's Twitter followers. Or reaching a personal milestone...for example, I felt elated when my followers became two from zero. I keep my expectations low, that way you get less twi-pressed.

8) When to un-follow others? As soon as the twit in question begins indiscriminately retweeting whom they follow. They are playing the field to get more followers, while I get swamped with random tweets on how to avoid indigestion (in 140 characters, if you can believe that). Un-follow immediately.

9) What are we achieving by being on Twitter? That is one of the more deep questions for this blog. I seriously don't know. I think it is a special platform for all of us when we don't know what else to do in life. I always say, it is so important to know our goals in life. That can prevent us tweeting. Really.

10) Who is reading our tweets? That is the worst part. I don't think anyone is!!! They are all too busy tweeting themselves. There is a conflict of interest in reading others' tweets. It can scramble our brains if we do. And we can lose out on our next 140-characters-gem-of-wisdom.

Last bit. I read this sign somewhere. It said - "In case of fire, tweet later, get out of the building first." I rest my case.

The difficulty of being good...

There is a decided difficulty to being a good person and showing goodness to others. And it doesn't matter if the scriptures and self-help books consider this an important part of the big life picture. Unfortunately, life works a bit differently, you'll see how. Read on.

Very importantly, all that is good is not necessarily easy to implement. In fact, the crappy and irrelevant is generally a breeze. To make matters more frustrating, and the point more poignant, in my opinion.

So, what is the difficulty of being good? Well, in my observation and experience - there are four specific ones.

First, if you are good, but the rest aren't. Now being and behaving good is anyway a tough call, but to end up being the lone ranger is even tougher. The other person is not mean, but just....oblivious. What we do or don't is all up to us, and the others couldn't care less either way. They might be as unmoved if were un-good.

Second, you are good, but the other person is mean and nasty. These are tough and complicated nuts to crack. Not just are you bearing the cross of goodness on your shoulders you are bearing the brunt of an unpalatable person whom you should never have spoken to, to begin with. There are two counts of frustration here. One, to not find reciprocation, which hurts, and second, of utter lack of good judgment on your part. So you end up feeling worse.

Third, you are good, but you don't feel like being good. Goodness sometimes can be a matter of mood - for some people. On good days goodness comes by easy. But how does one deal with a bad mood day in a goodness-worthy situation? This is a direct conflict and generally ends in personal stress and erosion of your public image if you let words wander too far from your intention.

Fourth, and the last, when you are good...and still get flak for it. This is a specially tricky one to deal with (or respond to). You are goodness personified on most days out of 365 (that's an awesome track record, btw) and yet people around you find your motives suspect. They call you a 'saint' or a 'good image manager' and heap obvious sarcasm on your good intentions. I don't have an answer for this one (not that I had one for the others).

In conclusion, I have figured out something on these lines. It is a mistake to be good for other people's sake. It just doesn't go down right - trust me, I've tried. The wretched thing only works when you are good for your own sake. Because that's what feels right inside. Because that's how you can sleep in peace at night. And because that's what makes you smile if you caught your reflection in a mirror. Goodness for the sake of being good works. Only then, in fact.

Now why didn't someone, for the love of God, say that to me right at the beginning.

The magic of pen and paper

A few days ago, I had the privilege to show my gratitude to three amazing people I know professionally.

I did what I have become accustomed to doing, and has sadly become my second nature. I began to type on my computer a 'thank you' mail. Two things happened in quick succession - I couldn't string even three heartfelt sentences and when I read my impoverished mail I felt nothing!

Everything about my email felt uneasily still...no feelings stirred when I read my own lines and gratitude seemed like one more thing I could tick off on my burgeoning list of professional 'to dos'.

It took no effort at all to know what was wrong. I realized, before my computer became second nature, paper and pen had already been loyal companions for long years. Though, I sought them after ages, like old friends, they came to the rescue.

As my fingers curled over the pen, something beautiful happened. With stunning ease the words flowed, and the writer in me heaved a sigh of relief. Gratitude had finally found its transport and happily jumped on. I wrote three separate letters that evening. Each unique from the other. An opportunity lost with the faceless cut and paste.

Felt the thrill of 'real' writing after years. Not the least of which is neatly folding a letter and slipping it snug in its envelope, then flipping it over and carefully writing the address, and finally, making the effort to post it. Hoping on way back that it reaches safely. The delay of its reaching and the wait for its response has an unparalleled excitement in our world of communication.

An email is too swift to savor all the ups and downs of communication, and brings back a reply too quick to tempt anticipation.

I might be writing more letters now. And I hope I get some, too. It's been so long since I expectantly peered into my mail box to see the glimpse of a white envelope with my name on it.

Three big ideas to get unstuck today...

A lot of us, including myself, have been in tough life situations where we feel completely stuck. Just the idea of putting one foot in front of the other and getting on with each day becomes so painful. And yet, nothing lasts forever.

While getting myself out of such situations, I have learned some amazing insights about my own behavior. And my guess is that I am not so unique that the same ideas can't apply to you.

Here are my 3 big ideas to get 'unstuck'.

ONE: Move from emotion to reason
In a crisis, when hundreds of things are competing to get attention in your head, it is natural to feel emotionally overwhelmed. Ask yourself one simple rational question. For eg., how would my actions change if I spent five minutes to just calm myself down or what is the best thing to do in this bad situation or how bad is this situation, really? Asking a rational question blocks the emotional part of the brain and we begin to feel less emotionally disturbed. Try it, it works.

TWO: Use the crisis scale
On a scale of 1 - 10, how bad is this crisis? Could it have been worse (gen. there is always a much worse thing that could have happened!!) Thinking of the relative value of the current situation will give you a good perspective on the larger scheme of things. You might even remember dealing with tougher times in life and overcoming them.

THREE: Every night does have a morning
No matter how bad the situation, time takes care of many things that we cannot on our own. Allow time and days to come between you and the event that disturbs you. Also, it is so important to keep in mind that life is positively wired. That is why we feel so upset when we are negative. We are made in a way that we will naturally move towards good things and positive events. Hope is the ultimate healer.

This is really my personal experience and I use these strategies to quickly get out of bad situations or bad moods, because I know there is so much to do in life. It is really not worth wasting too much time on the sad parts of life.

Being happy and being at peace are not events, they are a choice and a decision.

Flipkart: Corporate Nirvana available online

My debut book is finally released in India!!!!!!

Very happy and looking forward to it's September first week launch event in Delhi, India. More details on that soon.

Corporate Nirvana can be bought within India on Flipkart. Do check it out.

Here's goes the link http://www.flipkart.com/books/9380227856

And I will be a very happy and grateful author if you can please leave a review of the book on Flipkart once you've read it. I really wish that readers will enjoy my first book. :-)

It will be making its way to key stores in India like Crossword and Landmark by Aug 8. If you wish to ask me any information about the book or where to find it in stores, do leave a comment and I shall respond.

PS: The book will get listed on Amazon in a month's time. I will post here once that happens.

Thanks a ton,
Sonali

The disease of being busy...

What is it with people saying, 'I am busy' in response to all manner of questions.

Let's meet up for dinner. Yeah, lets see, I am really busy.

So, did you watch that movie? Nope, been really busy.

Why don't you get to the doc? Can't, I am busy.

I think some people should get to a doctor pronto because saying 'I am busy' is a disease. And it seems to be contagious. Really. Like a mental affliction that makes us believe we have zero time available to do meaningful things in life. Or fun things, for that matter. Busy people are also innately boring people. That is why they can stand to be so busy at work. See.

So what is humanity so busy with? You might ask. Well, going to work, working, coming  back from work...and repeating the above cycle. That should amount to a good explanation. Especially, for those who see work as a worthy cause to be perpetually busy instead of a means to an end - read - having enough resources to watch movies, meet friends for a drink, go on vacations to exotic places, and shop till you drop.

Okay, some of that is a bit of exaggeration just for fun. But seriously speaking, I have come to intensely dislike people telling me on chat, on phone, on sms, on email, and in person...that they are very busy.

Just puttering around all day at work keeps us busy. Ask yourself how many hours of meaningful, real value-adding, customer dazzling work did you do today? What did you do today that will get you a great appraisal and a possible hike and a much awaited promotion?? Now that is worth being busy over.

Being busy all the time generally means we are mismanaging our time - not being organized, not delegating smartly, not preparing for the week, not keeping commitments, and not being smart in general - that keeps us busy and running around.

The most successful....rich....prominent professionals in the world repeatedly declare in their interviews - that they have time because they are super organized, disciplined, and work smartly. They are never too busy for the important things in life. Are we listening??

Let me see how many days I can count off on my fingers before I hear that wretched phrase -I am busy - again! Cross my heart I'll not be saying it myself.

One of a piece....

God must have enjoyed his little joke, I am sure, when he gave us a will and an intellect to be anyone we wished to be - even two different versions of ourselves if we so desired. One that speaks well depending on what they stand to gain and a second that speaks ill depending on how little they have to lose.

Then the creator quietly allowed us to discover that we are one of a piece. We'll never be decimals, his math is unique. Who we are on the inside is who we must become on the outside. Here he reserved the right to exercise his will.

For the smarter amongst our kind it takes many layers to be peeled for that real self to tumble out. Often it is a rusty, dusty, and a tarnished version of what the maker must have intended it to be. But it bravely hangs in there by the skin of its teeth, hoping one day its companion will realize God's little prank. Of giving us everything, and then leaving us little choice - to be nothing but ourselves.

And yet, we labor on to be that which we are not. All in vain ultimately.

Our mind can never excel in hiding that which our fellow men are gifted in uncovering. Because He never intended to involve intelligence in the finer aspects of his handy work. The most enduring and pristine parts of his creation are molded in instinct and nature. And there integrity, gratitude, goodness, and oneness prevail.

So near yet so far....and certainly never within the grasp of anyone who can't figure out that the joke's on us!

Top SIX Strategies for Goal Achievement

Life would be meaningless if we weren't gunning for something. And that something wouldn't be worth much if it wasn't worth our genuine passion and desire.

So what do you desire for? What do you want above and beyond everything? Are you ready to work single-mindedly for that which you absolutely desire to achieve? And most importantly - what are you ready to sacrifice to make that something appear in you your life?

TOP SIX STRATEGIES for Goal Achievement 

1) DECIDE: Like the Cheshire cat famously said in 'Alice in Wonderland', 'if you don't know where you are going, then it doesn't really matter which way you go.' To declare, I want a million dollars, is not a real goal. Seriously. Write down on paper - "I have a million dollars in my bank account". Read it aloud when you are alone and undisturbed, and ask yourself if this excites you. You might be surprised that just having a money goal is not as exciting as knowing how strongly you want it and what life would become if you had it. Get into the skin of your goal. Decide on your goal without a shred of doubt or embarrassment.

2) ABSORB: Are you single-mindedly focusing on those one million dollars every morning, night, and every moment you can spare? If not then your subconscious is not listening. And it is imperative for it to listen for those one million to appear in physical reality. We give way too much credit to our conscious living life. The key to goals is at the subconscious level. The conscious mind obeys the latter. Convince yourself that you deserve to own that much money, and convincing anyone else will be easy.

3) IMAGINE & FEEL: Once you are convinced of your goal, then allow yourself to imagine and feel all the feelings you would if your goal had appeared in your life. What would be your lifestyle? What kind of house would you own? Where would you vacation? Which car would you drive? Go into as many details of all the above and more as you can. Don't just think about it. Feelings are powerful motivators. Much more than thoughts. Feel your goal.

4) LIVE: If you did have that kind of money, would  you behave differently? You might be more generous to others and courteous to your family. Or fight and blame less because you are secure in life. Or take better care of your health. Would you enjoy life's experiences and live a full life? Would you enjoy this drive in your car more if it were a Ferrari? Try living your goals as if they were true.

5) BELIEVE: It is critical to believe this make-believe. The mind is susceptible to tricks more than you know. Just like you can trick it into thinking you aren't capable or worthy of acquiring an honest million dollars - you can just as easily trick your subconscious mind into thinking you are the best candidate to have such wealth. And the mind is an obedient servant. It does our bidding if only we used our privilege over the mind. We are intelligent...not the mind. Believe your goal now.

6) ACT: A million dollars generally don't come walking. Though if you have followed the above five strategies, they just might. I say that because all the above puts us in a powerful zone of achievement. Our mind and spirit are one with our chosen goal. So it doesn't take much time or effort to get into the physical part of goal achievement. You will feel inspired to take actions, decisions, and meet people that will move you closer to your goal.

If you think about it, most times we try and achieve goals in the reverse direction than the above six steps. Life could be superbly different if we did all the above things in the right order. Don't wait to be happy once you have achieved your goal - be happy now, so you can be ready to achieve your goal.

The power of disbelief...

Something I read last night reminded me of the power of disbelief. We just have to believe that 'the impossible is possible' in our life, and the power of disbelief comes into action.

When your mind or others tell you that you can't become someone dramatically better than who you are today - just go ahead and disbelieve.

In early 2003 I happened to be passing through the lobby of a five star hotel that I hardly had the money to visit. But as luck would have it, I was there. A bulletin board caught my attention - The Rotary International's city chapter was inviting applications for their Group Study Exchange program to send four lucky people for FOUR WEEKS TO THE USA & CANADA all expenses paid!!! The eligibility was to be a young professional and a non-Rotarian ....everything else seemed to be a matter of subjective choice of the judging panel.

I had never stepped out of India. My mind rapidly reasoned that I could be as ineligible as I had the chances to be entirely eligible!! That got me thinking...and thank God I stuck with the latter choice. Because I did clear three rounds of interviews and spent a superb, eye-opening four weeks abroad meeting countless wonderful people, clarifying my career goals, developing as a person, and making presentations about India.

I wouldn't be exaggerating if I said that that one month changed the course of my life and my career.

It is human nature that we tend to disbelieve the positive and believe the negative. Our minds are wired to capture and ponder on the negative. It takes extra effort, a conscious conditioning, and just an ounce of self-belief to do the opposite. To negate the negative and focus with all our attention on the positive. Not tough at all and tremendously rewarding to boot.

So, next time you hear from within or without that you can't be superbly successful, become a millionaire, or achieve greatness in your life. Do go ahead...... and disbelieve with all your might.

There is enormous power in believing in yourself and disbelieving in the opinions of others and our environment. Limitations are real only as long as we hold on to them.

Just go ahead...and boldly disbelieve. Then see the magic unfold. 

The brilliance of doing nothing...

Nothingness taught me to trust my deepest instincts. And this is how it all began. The year was 2009 and I decided to resign from my job. I don't know how sky diving or bungee jumping feels because I haven't done either. But when I quit my job, the free fall felt similar - only it seemed to last for some months. Surprisingly, in a good way. More like.....the thrill of doing something forbidden and enjoying every moment.

But quit I did. And how.

My husband and I spent a longish time living up in the mountains in India, doing things that appealed to us. I had no job, no plan for my career, and no remorse for being utterly unemployed. The results were nothing short of dramatic. Amazingly....I never missed my workplace (though they were fantastic to me), and neither did I have any withdrawal pangs of not buzzing along with a busy city. And I am a city girl.

Of course, it helped that I didn't wake up to go anywhere, the doorbell rang rarely, I stopped checking my mails compulsively, ate on time and ate healthy, and talked for long hours with those who really mattered in my life.

Being a free floating, unemployed soul went straight to my heart and gave it new life. Thoughts and ideas and bursts of creativity hit like never before. I wondered what part of me was happy with my daily grind all those years? Not that I waited for an answer...there was so much else to think and talk about.

To my absolute surprise my first book, Corporate Nirvana, flowed out of me after my brush with absolute freedom in that phase. It wasn't my plan to write or become an author. Ever. But I did begin writing, and it took shape one day at a time. 

The deliciousness of doing nothing is a gift. Being terribly busy is not necessarily the mark of a successful person. Success is a deeper idea. When we meaningfully and happily suspend ourselves to flow with the current of life - tremendous things happen. We find some part of our true selves, detect our destinies, discover our motivations, ponder on our purpose, master our impulses, and realize what truly matters.

The mind and spirit have all the answers. Only.....it takes doing nothing to listen to their voice.