Victims don't win...

We all have our pet peeves and we all have our fetish for a thing or two in life. I discovered that some people have an absolute liking for playing 'victim' in life.

A while back, I attended a gathering of like-minded people that promised to be an elevating evening of good conversations and sensible thoughts. Things were on track for a while, and the conversation was gathering momentum. A lady looked decidedly uncomfortable and skeptical. Ultimately, the constructiveness got too much for her and she piped in with - 'what do you do if others are hell bent on pulling you down? How can I be positive when everyone in my immediate environment finds faults with me, and compares me with others. I am surrounded by critical and unhappy people.'

For a while, there was absolute silence, not because the complaint was not acceptable, but because the whole conversation till then had been about taking responsibility and being proactive about managing our environment. Yet, the leader of the discussion tried his hardest to bring the lady hope, and we all pitched in with some fantastic ideas, if I may say so myself. These were very practical and common sense ideas such as:

• Love yourself completely - try not to find faults with yourself
• Look at the good stuff inside you that others might not
• Develop the courage to stand up to unwanted criticism and come up with facts
• Comparisons can be hurtful, but the one comparing you takes pleasure in the effect it has on you, so be stronger. Try not to get swayed by it.
• Change your environment however hard it might be
• Avoid brooding about what others say - it makes it harder to move on
• Value your strengths especially, when others don't
• Don't give energy to the negativity of others, it makes them stronger and you weaker
• Indulge in a hobby or interest that helps you shift your attention from others to yourself

This took considerable time and energy, but everyone was happy to contribute because everyone wanted to help. The only problem was - the lady was not looking for help. She looked doubtful and found a way to shoot down most suggestions and agreed unwillingly to some. Finally, she said, 'but there are some people in our life who absolutely cripple us, and we can't stop them.'

And then I understood her real problem - it wasn't her environment, it wasn't her family harassing her, it wasn't that God had chosen a hard time for her. Her problem was that she was a hard core victim. She enjoyed the attention and sympathy that her complaining brought her. I also realized that a victim who wants to be one doesn't turn a victor without their wanting to do so. It doesn't matter if good suggestions and help is extended. And it might not make any difference if someone put them in the best and most positive of environments. I guess they will still find a reason to crib and be unhappy.

I came away a bit jolted, and I'll admit even a little frustrated. We live only once - and none of us are getting any younger. Wasting our life is probably a more terrible loss than even wasting our time. But then, the gates of change open only on the inside, others can knock in hope.

Let's be victors....lets take charge....let's make the most of this one life we got. Because victims don't turn victors, only proactive, courageous and resourceful people do.

Five Success Rules Reinvented - 5. Be real not virtual

BE REAL NOT VIRTUAL: I strongly feel that in spite of our scientific advances, the human interface is supreme and way beyond any glitzy new technology. True friendships and loving relationships flourish in real life even if they began in the virtual world. And this is my personal experience.

Why is it better to be real than virtual? Because nothing can replace the human element of communication, and nothing can convey our real feelings and emotions better than ourselves! Recently, the CEO of a well known organization was fired through a sms by the board of directors!

How often have you caught yourself calling someone on the phone, when it could have been easier and nicer to just walk up to them and speak! The noise of humanity, and rapidly increasing distractions of all the technology and gadgets around us make it very easy to be virtual than real. In fact, technology has bred its own share of disadvantages - one of the biggest of them being - getting disconnected from the real life that we are meant to live.

Here are five tips that I hope will help you be more real than virtual:

1. Make an effort to meet your friends once in a while. It is so easy to let years go by without meeting our best friends at times. 

2. Request a face-to-face meeting with colleagues whenever possible, instead of opting by default for conference calls or email discussions. 

3. Meet people especially, when you want to convey a bad news, a negative feedback, or an improvement suggestion. Being there to convey our real intention and observe the other person’s reaction is so important in ‘not-so-great’ situations. 

4. Keep Sundays – a no technology day – switch off the distractions of life, and observe the sea change you will feel in your peace of mind, your relationships, and your attention span. 

5. Have a cut off time for browsing the net, and hold yourself accountable to stick to it. Often, we browse the net simply because we don’t have anything else to entertain or interest us. Remember, the more we get entangled in the world wide web, the more we lose touch with our real hobbies, aspirations, and goals. 

My recent effort to be more real than virtual: Before I wrote and posted this blog, I wanted to make 'being real' a priority for myself. Over this weekend, I shut down my computer, and from morning till late evening, busied myself with reality and real people I could meet and talk to face-to-face. It was enormously exciting, and I met so many new people. Not to mention, my brain needed rest from my work on my laptop. I find myself more motivated and productive this Monday morning.

PS: This brings me to the end of the five part series on 'Five Success Rules Reinvented'. I hope it helped you to think and act in ways that can help you live your best life and lead yourself every single day!

Five Success Rules Reinvented - 4. Be more than your job

BE MORE THAN YOUR JOB: Honestly, it is a bit boring to go to office every single day and 'just do your job'. One of the biggest reasons for work frustration and exhaustion is - just doing your job! I know this might surprise you because a lot of us are proud of doing our jobs. Nothing wrong with it, but it's a sure way to stagnate sooner than later. You see, a job description is merely a guiding document. Our real success and value is when we go beyond the obvious responsibilities of our work, and do the unexpected, the unasked, and the unthinkable.

Some might consider this overstepping the line, or treading on other people's toes. Well, we can all use our common sense and differentiate between being inventive and interfering. In fact, I speak from personal experience on this - no organization in its right mind will stop you from being creative, passionate, and unique about what you do. And when we enter that zone of heightened awareness around our basic role, we go much beyond our job and become a supremely valuable part of our team, of our organization, and our customers.

Here are five tips to go beyond your job, I hope will help you:

1. Scan your work/ team environment for new opportunities. At times, you will be surprised that just asking for work you are passionate about might take you to the next level. Many of us don't ask for the fear of being refused. Ask this time.

2. Make a document with three sub-heads. Your biggest strengths, your core competence, and a new responsibility you want to take up. Ponder on this document, talk to someone you trust, until a spark ignites about how you can go beyond your job.

3. Take your focus away from the traditional - I am here to do my job - and shift it to the new - I am here to add value to my team and my customers, I am part of the future of this organization. You will be amazed at how you will begin looking at your work differently.

4. Ask for guidance and help. At times, all we need is a nudge in the right direction. Prepare some good questions and have a discussion with your boss or mentor at work about how you can use your potential better at work.

5. It helps to remember that we are leaders at work. Don't wait for a designation or announcement to make you feel like one. You lead your life either to your aspirations or your frustrations. You are in-charge of your value at work. Get valuable.

When I went beyond my job: Many years ago, I stumbled on this bit of wisdom by accident. I had co-founded a training agency in 2000, and went looking for clients. As I had meetings with my potential customers, I offered value-added services like a newsletter, free follow-up training sessions, and customization of programs for each client. This also meant more ground work for me, but this spirit of going beyond my job is what made my business a success, and got me respect as a trainer. That was one of my biggest learnings. So, I suggest, let's be more than our job, before we expect to get more than our salary.

Five Success Rules Reinvented - 3. Remain a student

REMAIN A STUDENT: I know for sure that I am a little too literate at this point in my life, but I am still to educate myself completely. Learning is an invaluable and priceless part of our lives. It was only after I completed my formal education - which made me literate - that I really began to learn, so that I could also be educated. Having a degree and being educated are two different things, one of my surprising discoveries. 

Something I want to share with you - These days, I increasingly find myself gravitating towards those who know a lot, and still remain a student of life, of learning, of all that is important in our world. They stay curious, absorbent, alert, and humble. All excellent traits of being a great student.They are more interested in knowing about me than telling me about themselves. I am aspiring to be that kind of person myself!

Think about this - How many of us gave up active learning after our degree? You might agree that all of us have come out of tough life situations and faced the fact that we don't really know as much as we thought? Not the kind that text books teach about anyway, but the kind that we learn from our own initiative. Unfortunately, our education system doesn't always prepare us to pass important life examinations. Which is why it is critical that we pick the right books to read, seek the best people to talk to, and delve into the unknown parts of ourselves that promise a treasure trove of new lessons and new answers.

Here are five tips that I hope will help you remain a student: 

1. Find motivation to learn. Remember, those who learn - earn. Not just more money, but more happiness, greater peace of mind, better health, and even a long life.

2. Learn what you like. If photography is one of your great passions in life, then begin actively learning about that craft. It might have nothing to do with your job, but it will juice up your brain cells. 

3. Read autobiographies and biographies of great men and women. Those who have walked the earth much longer than us, and whose lives are great lessons in leading our own. 

4. Ask v/s tell. Choose asking over telling as often as you can. I find myself capable of telling 10% only after I have asked and read 50% more than that. Be curious.

5. Ask meaningful questions of yourself in solitude. In your quiet hours, while going to sleep, or early morning - ask yourself at least one meaningful question. For eg., What is the one thing that will help me deal with my children better?

My recent student stint: In the third week of October, I attended a training certification course, that helped me find my weaknesses and strengthen my strengths. I allowed my master trainer to give me candid feedback that was tough to hear, but invaluable in making myself better at what I love to do. I really felt like a student, with 10 hour study days, and late night preparations. Revealing and rejuvenating time.

Five Success Rules Reinvented - 2. Change is the new normal

CHANGE IS THE NEW NORMAL: Think about it, whether you are ready for it or not, whether it feels comfortable or not, our world is changing in dramatic ways - and in every sphere of life and business. Change is no longer a once-in-a-while event. And yet, I will still say that it is a matter of personal choice. You can choose to change or you can refuse to change. The choice is always yours. Only the consequences that flow from that choice are not in your control. Our current realities will dictate the results of our choices. 

So, look back at the last five years of your life. Where were you then, and where are you now? What has changed for you personally? Are your rewards in proportion to your expectations and your hard work? Did your goals come true? Did you read, develop yourself, meet new people, find new friends, or change your uninspiring job to a new one? Or are you pretty much the same person you were five years ago?

If your answer is a clear no or a doubtful - maybe, then you might want to examine your methods as you aspire for a better life, a more rewarding job, a profitable business, and a happier mind.  Status quo is not desirable anymore - I still value stability though, and it's great to change and find stability in your new state. 

Let me share a helpful anecdote. Many years ago, a colleague told me that every few weeks he changed which foot he first wears his shoes on, so if he got used to putting the right foot in and lacing it up, he changed over to the left foot, and though it felt uncomfortable at first, he continued to do so. I was amused to hear this, but he said it really helped him keep his mind, at the age of 55, tuned to 'change' and ready for change. Amazing little trick. 

Here are five tips that I hope will help you make change the new normal of your life:

1. Start small. Aspire to a manageable change. What small habit can you change for the better. Could you cut down on too much tea/coffee and make an effort to eat more fruit?

2. Examine your career over the last five years. Where had you aspired to be, and where are you today. What can you do differently, so you can work smart instead of hard all the time?

3. How well informed and up to date are you in your area of work? Remember, those who read, exceed. If you never read books or magazines, can you read for fifteen minutes today?

4. Is there something about your attitude you would like to change? Suppose you are short-tempered, can you practice patience and make yourself less reactive the next time you were upset? At times, being silent and taking five minutes to think before we speak makes all the difference. 

5. If you have always done what your job description asked you to do, what can you do above and beyond to add more value to your team, your boss, your role, your utility in the organization? What can you change to be more valuable than what you were hired to be? 

My recent change initiative: I have diligently done a good job of my job description which ever organization I have worked for. I am about to embark on a new work stint, and I am taking it up as a personal challenge to actively seek work beyond my role. To add value beyond what is expected of me. I don't see this as slogging, I think it is a smart change. Because the more value I add, the more valuable I become - as a professional and as a person. I think it is a big change for me internally, but I am choosing to change my mindset anyway.

Five Success Rules Reinvented - 1. Get uncomfortable

GET UNCOMFORTABLE: In essence, what I am saying is – get comfortable with the uncomfortable. Cultivate the courage, with the help of the five tips below, and step out of your comfort zone. Surprise yourself. Do something around your biggest strength that you have never done before. Tweak the tried-and-tested and give it your own original twist. That's getting uncomfortable.

I am sure many of you reading this will recall how our parent’s generation considered it a matter of great pride to work at the same place for twenty or even twenty-five years. That ethic suited the time because our world was much more stable, and technology and the rapid pace of change hadn’t caught up with us. 

The same work philosophy doesn’t apply to our current times. The fact is that being too comfortable can end up in being redundant. Today, change and learning are the competitive edge that both businesses and individuals require. 

Five tips to step out of your comfort zone:

1. Have the courage and conviction to take up meaningful work that resonates with your deepest values and most important goals. Do it even if it feels tough at the beginning.

2. Learn a new skill (at least once in three months) in your job that can take you to the next level. 

3. Aim at being original at what you do, not popular. The former is enduring, the latter is entertaining. Do what comes from your heart, even if you are the only one who believes in it. 

4. Invest in reading about your craft more than anyone else around you reads. Knowledge and learning is the key to our future.

5. Do things that you generally don't do, it helps to get used to being uncomfortable. If you never attend training seminars or conferences, then enroll for one and enjoy a new experience. 

My uncomfortable experience: I recently joined a Yoga class because I had never done Yoga before. I also joined a meditation group because I don't consider myself the 'meditating' sort. Both the sessions made me feel out of place and uncomfortable at first. As I persist in doing Yoga and meditation, I am becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable. Hope this example helps.

Top ten list of daily extraordinaries...

Here is a collection of what I keep thinking most of my days. Also, keep practicing...hope you find these useful in your daily life as you journey to your own extraordinary self.

1.  Be confident of who you are. No one else will make you feel as secure as you can.

2. Forgive those that don't expect you to do so. Not forgiving others only harms you, not them.

3. Rejoice in the success and achievements of others. That's the best way to fully enjoy your own success.

4. Take care of your body and invest in it. That's the only thing you will take to your grave.

5. Fall in love with yourself first, and you will find love at every step of the way.

6. Economically bad times are the best times to discover who you really are and what you really want.

7. Money is the least of your problems, not putting your heart and soul in your work is worth worrying about.

8. Failure is a bigger teacher than success. Cherish your defeats, they move you to success faster.

9. Read everyday, its food for the mind. It enriches your thoughts and leads to a happy life.

10. What you think about yourself is what shows up everyday. Think well and be kind to yourself.