10 Tips on not losing sleep over others....

How do I preserve my peace of mind? I've wondered often, especially....when I lose it. Annoyingly so, one loses it over trivialities than earth-shattering issues. A jibe from someone, a sarcastic remark, callous behavior, hurtful tone, unkind laughter, and most often....judgments that others make a business of heaping on you. 

Experience has taught me, I would rather lose sleep over pesky mosquitoes in my room than over someone who thinks too much of themselves and too little of me. That sounds dangerously like an unreasonable person who can't be made happy - not now and not in the future. Nothing could be a greater waste of time, positive energy, and stamina than to try and please or convince people like this.  

Yet I hear often from others that they are unhappy because someone criticized them, or didn't appreciate their genuine effort, or suspected their good intentions, or said hurtful things knowing the effect if would have on them. Ask yourself this good question - Why would you allow someone to do this to you?

Peace of mind might not be a fashionable term. Yet, with passing years, I yearn for it even more than I do for success or money. Let's aspire this New Years to make peace a part of our mind space.

Here's my recipe - The Top 10 tips on preserving your peace of mind. Hope you find it useful:

1. Beware of the opinions of others. Weigh them before you buy them.

2. Give yourself credit for your intelligence and wisdom. Don't wait to be told you are good enough.

3. Be sure that we all spend more time learning than making mistakes. Though it seems the other way round.

4. Smile generously upon criticism. You probably know what you aren't good at anyway.

5. Accept that your best efforts might not be appreciated. Say a word of appreciation to yourself.

6. Know that some people will never be pleased - it's their problem, not yours! Though this also seems the other way round.

7. Remember you are as imperfect as the other person. We are just imperfect at different things.

8. Realize that those who judge you unfairly create a devil in their own minds before they might in yours.

9. Understand that the most unpleasant ones are fighting their own demons. It doesn't have so much to do with you.

10. Always remember that depending on someone else to make you feel great  leads to heartache. Know that you did your best, then let it go.

Next time you lose sleep over someone or something, remember that we are all headed to one common, inevitable destination. Including the other person. In the larger scheme of life and things what is bothering you is miniscule compared to what you could celebrate.

Are you happy today?

I think I've written more blogs about 'happiness' than any other worthy topic. I feel strongly about being happy people because it appears to be the cornerstone of all other accomplishments. Unhappy people seem to breed failure, and happy people seem to choose success. 

I've come full circle in my constant pursuit of happiness. I began by not reading about being happy, then reading a lot, then experimenting all by myself, then failing miserably and getting depressed anyway. Then I tried reading complicated books about it, then I watched happy people in the hope of learning happiness. Then I read simpler books, and observed some more people being happy. I continued to be happy and unhappy nevertheless. Inconsistency gets to me. I like striving for consistency and find it tough, honestly.

The pursuit of happiness continues - HOW can I be happy for 90% of my life leaving only a measly 10% for the unhappy part. Just like 90% ought be healthy and 10% in a sick bed. I had to apportion a part to both kinds of mental states because all wise people say that life is a mix of the opposites, and the ups and downs are not just inevitable, but desirable. 

Point taken. We hardly learn from being happy has been my refrain as well. But I've discovered that a very short spell of wretchedness is quite enough to make me learn. I am a quick study. I resolutely want to be happy - all the time, if possible. 

So this is what I do now. I LIVE my life everyday. Which means I focus on doing things that I like to do. Most importantly, these few things I like to do seem to produce more things I like to do. Through this strategy, happy opportunities and happy moments are produced quicker than even rabbits multiplying. 

Just today, all I wanted to do was sit in the sun and read a book by Tony Robbins called, 'Unlimited Power'. That's exactly what I went ahead and did. Could I have been writing a book of my own in that time? Yes, probably. But I chose to succumb to the urge of doing this happy thing. Just one hour of this made me insanely happy. Now I am back at my work desk and I am very productive and very happy. 

I am writing this in my most free and happy states of mind. I've learned not to feel guilty about these small, everyday pleasures of life. I absolutely love the thrill of doing tiny things that make me feel great. Let's make life worth living every day. Many people in our world are waiting for that one spectacular day to make it worth while to be on this planet. You and I know that it doesn't work like that - life is right here in the apparent ordinariness of everyday - not in the illusion of a special day in the future. 

So let's be as happy as we can today - right now - in this moment. I am. Are you?

Why you must never give up.....

Long ago, in another land, I was a bright eyed, bushy tailed MBA aspirant. There stood between me and the degree I pined for a formidable competitive exam. As was the trend, I joined a coaching class to help me along with the exam.

My instructor said something to egg us on that left a deep imprint on my mind. She said....

"Don't give up when you badly want to give up...that's an indication you are almost at the top of the ladder. Most people give up and start climbing down at that stage, not realizing how close they are to the top. Keep climbing." 

Thankfully, I was young enough to believe her entirely. I hung on. I climbed my ladder. Not just that one, but quite a few others since then. But here's the trick. When every ounce of my strength and resolve is spent in trying to achieve what I want, and my efforts have come to naught.....that's when I so badly want to give up. Every fiber of my being screams in rebellion. As if waiting for that bit of clamor, a tiny voice miraculously awakens from its slumber, and says to me....march on resolutely, don't be foolish, don't be weak now, don't get tempted by the devil, don't waste all your toil and tears - not when the end is so near. The light is just round the corner....walk on just a bit. I nod in agreement though unwillingly, pick up the pieces and lie to myself that I have it in me to walk just a bit longer. 

And I do....I meet the dazzling light and all my pain is then forgotten and forgiven. Life gets its way and I come out grateful and chastised.

Life has a brilliant way of squeezing us through unimaginable pressure and agony . Like a rock that must undergo immense pressure, pain and patience before it pops out a diamond. Shining insanely in the bright glare of its success - no one remembers how dusty and black it lay just a while ago. Same above as below. The transformation is no less painful for us up here - the wait no less humiliating. And yet, life demands that last drop of blood and sweat. 

Next time any of us want to give up - let's go easy on life. She wants us to succeed. Fortunes change in a day. The last stretch is the ultimate test - lets be masters of the last mile. Never give up! Never lose faith.

How to prevent a bad mood....

Moods are slippery things. One moment you want to conquer the world, the next you're so bored you could be counting the spiders hanging from your ceiling. It seriously bothers me when I don't feel as happy, excited, and charged up as I would like to. And I don't want to dismiss it in the name of my overactive female hormones. I've seen men go through mood swings, too.

So here are my FIVE proven strategies to elevate your mood this holiday season...beginning now! (Of course, eating chocolates and cakes works too!)

Remember - moods make you move! A bad mood can waste your most precious time and energy on brooding over all the wrong stuff OR a fabulous mood can help you take action and achieve big things in life! The choice is ours....read on. 

1. Wake up to shake up - waking up with the crows and before the sun rises helps you kick start your normal bio clock - just the way nature meant it to be. Plenty of time to sleep when we are dead, as someone wise said.

2. Get moving - cliched, but true. An unmoving lifestyle that keeps you in a chair/sofa for hours on end is a sure shot way for lethargy to creep up on your mood. Brisk walk/jog for just 20 mins everyday to elevate your mood to 'happy' and 'excited'. I've tried it, and I so enjoy it.

3. Chunk that schedule - nothing demotivates me more than lingering on a task for 3 hours non-stop. Research has proven that working in 90 minute chunks with a 15 min rejuvenating break in between makes us most productive and happy. Try it today!

4. Start it right - begin your day with either listening, reading, talking, watching something uplifting and positive. Protect your mood when it matters the most. Avoid toxic people, TV, and newspapers. I love this one.

5. Align it right - doing what you don't like is a serious and long-term mood spoiler. Align your life and your work to your desires and goals. This is a long-term mood saver, and one of my important personal discoveries.

Hope these five proven strategies help you in making your mood a more steady part of your mental health, than just something you leave to chance.

A super happy day ahead to all of you!

Interview

Thanks to the publications, I get an opportunity to talk about my work and life, and what I believe in. Hope you find it useful and enjoyable. 

Published in Chillibreeze - 2011
http://chillibreeze.in/writer-interviews/chillibreeze-interview-with-sonali-masih-dsilva/

Victims don't win...

We all have our pet peeves and we all have our fetish for a thing or two in life. I discovered that some people have an absolute liking for playing 'victim' in life.

A while back, I attended a gathering of like-minded people that promised to be an elevating evening of good conversations and sensible thoughts. Things were on track for a while, and the conversation was gathering momentum. A lady looked decidedly uncomfortable and skeptical. Ultimately, the constructiveness got too much for her and she piped in with - 'what do you do if others are hell bent on pulling you down? How can I be positive when everyone in my immediate environment finds faults with me, and compares me with others. I am surrounded by critical and unhappy people.'

For a while, there was absolute silence, not because the complaint was not acceptable, but because the whole conversation till then had been about taking responsibility and being proactive about managing our environment. Yet, the leader of the discussion tried his hardest to bring the lady hope, and we all pitched in with some fantastic ideas, if I may say so myself. These were very practical and common sense ideas such as:

• Love yourself completely - try not to find faults with yourself
• Look at the good stuff inside you that others might not
• Develop the courage to stand up to unwanted criticism and come up with facts
• Comparisons can be hurtful, but the one comparing you takes pleasure in the effect it has on you, so be stronger. Try not to get swayed by it.
• Change your environment however hard it might be
• Avoid brooding about what others say - it makes it harder to move on
• Value your strengths especially, when others don't
• Don't give energy to the negativity of others, it makes them stronger and you weaker
• Indulge in a hobby or interest that helps you shift your attention from others to yourself

This took considerable time and energy, but everyone was happy to contribute because everyone wanted to help. The only problem was - the lady was not looking for help. She looked doubtful and found a way to shoot down most suggestions and agreed unwillingly to some. Finally, she said, 'but there are some people in our life who absolutely cripple us, and we can't stop them.'

And then I understood her real problem - it wasn't her environment, it wasn't her family harassing her, it wasn't that God had chosen a hard time for her. Her problem was that she was a hard core victim. She enjoyed the attention and sympathy that her complaining brought her. I also realized that a victim who wants to be one doesn't turn a victor without their wanting to do so. It doesn't matter if good suggestions and help is extended. And it might not make any difference if someone put them in the best and most positive of environments. I guess they will still find a reason to crib and be unhappy.

I came away a bit jolted, and I'll admit even a little frustrated. We live only once - and none of us are getting any younger. Wasting our life is probably a more terrible loss than even wasting our time. But then, the gates of change open only on the inside, others can knock in hope.

Let's be victors....lets take charge....let's make the most of this one life we got. Because victims don't turn victors, only proactive, courageous and resourceful people do.

Five Success Rules Reinvented - 5. Be real not virtual

BE REAL NOT VIRTUAL: I strongly feel that in spite of our scientific advances, the human interface is supreme and way beyond any glitzy new technology. True friendships and loving relationships flourish in real life even if they began in the virtual world. And this is my personal experience.

Why is it better to be real than virtual? Because nothing can replace the human element of communication, and nothing can convey our real feelings and emotions better than ourselves! Recently, the CEO of a well known organization was fired through a sms by the board of directors!

How often have you caught yourself calling someone on the phone, when it could have been easier and nicer to just walk up to them and speak! The noise of humanity, and rapidly increasing distractions of all the technology and gadgets around us make it very easy to be virtual than real. In fact, technology has bred its own share of disadvantages - one of the biggest of them being - getting disconnected from the real life that we are meant to live.

Here are five tips that I hope will help you be more real than virtual:

1. Make an effort to meet your friends once in a while. It is so easy to let years go by without meeting our best friends at times. 

2. Request a face-to-face meeting with colleagues whenever possible, instead of opting by default for conference calls or email discussions. 

3. Meet people especially, when you want to convey a bad news, a negative feedback, or an improvement suggestion. Being there to convey our real intention and observe the other person’s reaction is so important in ‘not-so-great’ situations. 

4. Keep Sundays – a no technology day – switch off the distractions of life, and observe the sea change you will feel in your peace of mind, your relationships, and your attention span. 

5. Have a cut off time for browsing the net, and hold yourself accountable to stick to it. Often, we browse the net simply because we don’t have anything else to entertain or interest us. Remember, the more we get entangled in the world wide web, the more we lose touch with our real hobbies, aspirations, and goals. 

My recent effort to be more real than virtual: Before I wrote and posted this blog, I wanted to make 'being real' a priority for myself. Over this weekend, I shut down my computer, and from morning till late evening, busied myself with reality and real people I could meet and talk to face-to-face. It was enormously exciting, and I met so many new people. Not to mention, my brain needed rest from my work on my laptop. I find myself more motivated and productive this Monday morning.

PS: This brings me to the end of the five part series on 'Five Success Rules Reinvented'. I hope it helped you to think and act in ways that can help you live your best life and lead yourself every single day!

Five Success Rules Reinvented - 4. Be more than your job

BE MORE THAN YOUR JOB: Honestly, it is a bit boring to go to office every single day and 'just do your job'. One of the biggest reasons for work frustration and exhaustion is - just doing your job! I know this might surprise you because a lot of us are proud of doing our jobs. Nothing wrong with it, but it's a sure way to stagnate sooner than later. You see, a job description is merely a guiding document. Our real success and value is when we go beyond the obvious responsibilities of our work, and do the unexpected, the unasked, and the unthinkable.

Some might consider this overstepping the line, or treading on other people's toes. Well, we can all use our common sense and differentiate between being inventive and interfering. In fact, I speak from personal experience on this - no organization in its right mind will stop you from being creative, passionate, and unique about what you do. And when we enter that zone of heightened awareness around our basic role, we go much beyond our job and become a supremely valuable part of our team, of our organization, and our customers.

Here are five tips to go beyond your job, I hope will help you:

1. Scan your work/ team environment for new opportunities. At times, you will be surprised that just asking for work you are passionate about might take you to the next level. Many of us don't ask for the fear of being refused. Ask this time.

2. Make a document with three sub-heads. Your biggest strengths, your core competence, and a new responsibility you want to take up. Ponder on this document, talk to someone you trust, until a spark ignites about how you can go beyond your job.

3. Take your focus away from the traditional - I am here to do my job - and shift it to the new - I am here to add value to my team and my customers, I am part of the future of this organization. You will be amazed at how you will begin looking at your work differently.

4. Ask for guidance and help. At times, all we need is a nudge in the right direction. Prepare some good questions and have a discussion with your boss or mentor at work about how you can use your potential better at work.

5. It helps to remember that we are leaders at work. Don't wait for a designation or announcement to make you feel like one. You lead your life either to your aspirations or your frustrations. You are in-charge of your value at work. Get valuable.

When I went beyond my job: Many years ago, I stumbled on this bit of wisdom by accident. I had co-founded a training agency in 2000, and went looking for clients. As I had meetings with my potential customers, I offered value-added services like a newsletter, free follow-up training sessions, and customization of programs for each client. This also meant more ground work for me, but this spirit of going beyond my job is what made my business a success, and got me respect as a trainer. That was one of my biggest learnings. So, I suggest, let's be more than our job, before we expect to get more than our salary.

Five Success Rules Reinvented - 3. Remain a student

REMAIN A STUDENT: I know for sure that I am a little too literate at this point in my life, but I am still to educate myself completely. Learning is an invaluable and priceless part of our lives. It was only after I completed my formal education - which made me literate - that I really began to learn, so that I could also be educated. Having a degree and being educated are two different things, one of my surprising discoveries. 

Something I want to share with you - These days, I increasingly find myself gravitating towards those who know a lot, and still remain a student of life, of learning, of all that is important in our world. They stay curious, absorbent, alert, and humble. All excellent traits of being a great student.They are more interested in knowing about me than telling me about themselves. I am aspiring to be that kind of person myself!

Think about this - How many of us gave up active learning after our degree? You might agree that all of us have come out of tough life situations and faced the fact that we don't really know as much as we thought? Not the kind that text books teach about anyway, but the kind that we learn from our own initiative. Unfortunately, our education system doesn't always prepare us to pass important life examinations. Which is why it is critical that we pick the right books to read, seek the best people to talk to, and delve into the unknown parts of ourselves that promise a treasure trove of new lessons and new answers.

Here are five tips that I hope will help you remain a student: 

1. Find motivation to learn. Remember, those who learn - earn. Not just more money, but more happiness, greater peace of mind, better health, and even a long life.

2. Learn what you like. If photography is one of your great passions in life, then begin actively learning about that craft. It might have nothing to do with your job, but it will juice up your brain cells. 

3. Read autobiographies and biographies of great men and women. Those who have walked the earth much longer than us, and whose lives are great lessons in leading our own. 

4. Ask v/s tell. Choose asking over telling as often as you can. I find myself capable of telling 10% only after I have asked and read 50% more than that. Be curious.

5. Ask meaningful questions of yourself in solitude. In your quiet hours, while going to sleep, or early morning - ask yourself at least one meaningful question. For eg., What is the one thing that will help me deal with my children better?

My recent student stint: In the third week of October, I attended a training certification course, that helped me find my weaknesses and strengthen my strengths. I allowed my master trainer to give me candid feedback that was tough to hear, but invaluable in making myself better at what I love to do. I really felt like a student, with 10 hour study days, and late night preparations. Revealing and rejuvenating time.

Five Success Rules Reinvented - 2. Change is the new normal

CHANGE IS THE NEW NORMAL: Think about it, whether you are ready for it or not, whether it feels comfortable or not, our world is changing in dramatic ways - and in every sphere of life and business. Change is no longer a once-in-a-while event. And yet, I will still say that it is a matter of personal choice. You can choose to change or you can refuse to change. The choice is always yours. Only the consequences that flow from that choice are not in your control. Our current realities will dictate the results of our choices. 

So, look back at the last five years of your life. Where were you then, and where are you now? What has changed for you personally? Are your rewards in proportion to your expectations and your hard work? Did your goals come true? Did you read, develop yourself, meet new people, find new friends, or change your uninspiring job to a new one? Or are you pretty much the same person you were five years ago?

If your answer is a clear no or a doubtful - maybe, then you might want to examine your methods as you aspire for a better life, a more rewarding job, a profitable business, and a happier mind.  Status quo is not desirable anymore - I still value stability though, and it's great to change and find stability in your new state. 

Let me share a helpful anecdote. Many years ago, a colleague told me that every few weeks he changed which foot he first wears his shoes on, so if he got used to putting the right foot in and lacing it up, he changed over to the left foot, and though it felt uncomfortable at first, he continued to do so. I was amused to hear this, but he said it really helped him keep his mind, at the age of 55, tuned to 'change' and ready for change. Amazing little trick. 

Here are five tips that I hope will help you make change the new normal of your life:

1. Start small. Aspire to a manageable change. What small habit can you change for the better. Could you cut down on too much tea/coffee and make an effort to eat more fruit?

2. Examine your career over the last five years. Where had you aspired to be, and where are you today. What can you do differently, so you can work smart instead of hard all the time?

3. How well informed and up to date are you in your area of work? Remember, those who read, exceed. If you never read books or magazines, can you read for fifteen minutes today?

4. Is there something about your attitude you would like to change? Suppose you are short-tempered, can you practice patience and make yourself less reactive the next time you were upset? At times, being silent and taking five minutes to think before we speak makes all the difference. 

5. If you have always done what your job description asked you to do, what can you do above and beyond to add more value to your team, your boss, your role, your utility in the organization? What can you change to be more valuable than what you were hired to be? 

My recent change initiative: I have diligently done a good job of my job description which ever organization I have worked for. I am about to embark on a new work stint, and I am taking it up as a personal challenge to actively seek work beyond my role. To add value beyond what is expected of me. I don't see this as slogging, I think it is a smart change. Because the more value I add, the more valuable I become - as a professional and as a person. I think it is a big change for me internally, but I am choosing to change my mindset anyway.

Five Success Rules Reinvented - 1. Get uncomfortable

GET UNCOMFORTABLE: In essence, what I am saying is – get comfortable with the uncomfortable. Cultivate the courage, with the help of the five tips below, and step out of your comfort zone. Surprise yourself. Do something around your biggest strength that you have never done before. Tweak the tried-and-tested and give it your own original twist. That's getting uncomfortable.

I am sure many of you reading this will recall how our parent’s generation considered it a matter of great pride to work at the same place for twenty or even twenty-five years. That ethic suited the time because our world was much more stable, and technology and the rapid pace of change hadn’t caught up with us. 

The same work philosophy doesn’t apply to our current times. The fact is that being too comfortable can end up in being redundant. Today, change and learning are the competitive edge that both businesses and individuals require. 

Five tips to step out of your comfort zone:

1. Have the courage and conviction to take up meaningful work that resonates with your deepest values and most important goals. Do it even if it feels tough at the beginning.

2. Learn a new skill (at least once in three months) in your job that can take you to the next level. 

3. Aim at being original at what you do, not popular. The former is enduring, the latter is entertaining. Do what comes from your heart, even if you are the only one who believes in it. 

4. Invest in reading about your craft more than anyone else around you reads. Knowledge and learning is the key to our future.

5. Do things that you generally don't do, it helps to get used to being uncomfortable. If you never attend training seminars or conferences, then enroll for one and enjoy a new experience. 

My uncomfortable experience: I recently joined a Yoga class because I had never done Yoga before. I also joined a meditation group because I don't consider myself the 'meditating' sort. Both the sessions made me feel out of place and uncomfortable at first. As I persist in doing Yoga and meditation, I am becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable. Hope this example helps.

Top ten list of daily extraordinaries...

Here is a collection of what I keep thinking most of my days. Also, keep practicing...hope you find these useful in your daily life as you journey to your own extraordinary self.

1.  Be confident of who you are. No one else will make you feel as secure as you can.

2. Forgive those that don't expect you to do so. Not forgiving others only harms you, not them.

3. Rejoice in the success and achievements of others. That's the best way to fully enjoy your own success.

4. Take care of your body and invest in it. That's the only thing you will take to your grave.

5. Fall in love with yourself first, and you will find love at every step of the way.

6. Economically bad times are the best times to discover who you really are and what you really want.

7. Money is the least of your problems, not putting your heart and soul in your work is worth worrying about.

8. Failure is a bigger teacher than success. Cherish your defeats, they move you to success faster.

9. Read everyday, its food for the mind. It enriches your thoughts and leads to a happy life.

10. What you think about yourself is what shows up everyday. Think well and be kind to yourself.

Too good to be true?

I really want to share this personal story with you today. A recent encounter with an ordinary, but decidedly ‘extraordinary’ person restored my faith once again in the goodness of our world. I reminded myself that the planet is not as unhappy and broken-up as television news would have us believe.  

I recently attended a program to update my knowledge and skills. The very first morning, I got a phone call on my mobile from a fellow participant who was put up in the same hotel as I. She called me up to ask if I was doing okay considering it was close to the training time, and I hadn’t appeared so far. I was surprised at her concern, and politely said I was on my way. Meanwhile, I wondered how did she even get my number, and then realized almost immediately that she had taken the trouble to note it down from the information mail we had got from the organization. Let me admit with some embarrassment that my first thought was – why does she have to call me, as if I am not responsible enough to get to the training on time? I think that was just me being over cautious when I am traveling alone, and surrounded by strangers. I cringe to think that I thought of her like that. Because, since then, she has not just entered my ‘best friend circle’ already, but she is one of the most amazing human beings I have met so far.

Over the next three days of being together in close confines, and seeing each other feel vulnerable and triumphant by turns during the course, I saw that she was as genuine as they come. It was evident to everyone that her goodness, though unbelievable at first, was true in every possible way. I caught myself just staring at her at times, wondering how a person could be that thoughtful, pure-hearted, so amazingly articulate, and extremely smart as her – in a world that is increasingly chaotic? Does she not get affected by the madness around like most of us do? I guess not.

Believe me when I say that I spent one-third of my entire study time just talking to her and enjoying her company. The feeling was mutual, which was fortunate for me. We talked, laughed, patted each other on the back, shared life stories, encouraged each other to do our best, and consoled each other when we goofed-up. Through all of it, what struck me was her inner strength and wisdom that refused to get affected by our circumstances - come what may. I find that such a wonderful place to be.

After a long time, I personally met someone who is so good that I want to be like them. I felt the same when I met my husband for the first time, and I learn from him every day. This trip reminded me again that it is so important to have someone in our close circle of friends and family that keeps us on the positive path. We all need people who can continue to prove that life is beautiful because they choose to look for beauty and love around them.

As I was making my way back to my home, this is what I thought. Just like thousands of years ago, we still have the good, the bad, and the ugly in our world. So, our current times are not that different or unique. It is what we choose to focus on, decide to partner with, and persist in pursuing that ultimately defines each one of us. Maybe, because there is such media attention on evil and unrest in our world, we back off in disbelief from embracing absolute goodness when we encounter it.

I can’t help wonder if we are turning resistant to the idea of being nicer, more thoughtful, and enviably good people because we aren’t sure if that much goodness will find a place in our disturbing times. On the other hand, my recent encounter with this stunningly good person points to the fact that – goodness and love alone survive when all else is lost.

I strongly believe that good people are all around us, they are in abundance and everywhere. Maybe, we need to have goodness inside us to attract goodness outside us. Finally, we attract whatever we believe in. So, let’s believe in goodness ourselves, and hold on tightly when we find it in others. This was possibly my bigger learning during my study time.

Get out of yourself...

Many years ago, I read in a book by Norman Vincent Peale, a phrase that has stuck with me. He said – ‘Get out of yourself’ – to feel happy and positive again. I didn’t quite understand what he meant, and how was one supposed to do this in the first place.

Very soon, I discovered. The day I was feeling a bit off-mood and unhappy, I decided to put his remedy to test. I followed his advice from the book, and caught hold of someone around me to ask them how ‘they’ were doing? As opposed to telling them how I was feeling. I showed genuine curiosity and concern about what was going on in their life? What updates did they have to share with me? Needless to say, the person in question was pleasantly shocked, and happily embarked on a story about their life and times.

I listened attentively, keeping a close check on myself, so I wouldn’t let loose my grumpiness on them. It was amazing how quickly my mind engaged itself in their concerns, and I sincerely began to talk about them or just smile along with their story. The focus from my own bad mood shifted to their life in a jiffy. In turn, I began to feel happy and light hearted again. It was astounding for me to realize that to ‘get out of you’ really means stepping mentally and physically out of self-absorption and obsession with our internal turmoil. It means to turn our minds eye to the concerns of others – to remain conscious that this universe is bigger than the one in my own head.

Recently, I discovered something of even greater importance – we can all help others ‘get out of themselves’. A few days back, I called up a young girl whom I got to know some months ago. As she and I began talking, I sensed anxiety in her voice, and asked if everything was alright. She told me how stressed they had been about their four year old's ill health, who was now recovering. Rather than encourage her to dwell on it, I really wondered how I could help her in some way. On the spur of the moment, I asked her to visit me sometime, so we could just get together for a cup of tea and chit-chat. She loved the idea, and it suddenly changed her thinking from anxiety to anticipation. She began to plan a visit, and even offered to cook something special to bring along for our tea time together. I loved this positive change in her that happened quite accidentally and helped her to ‘get out of herself’ in that moment of anxiety.

What a wonderful way to stop thinking in circles about our own problems and being useful to someone else. Most often, I discover that my problem wasn’t a big one after all. It was something I had magnified by thinking about it over and over. We not just step out of our self, but discover the real concerns of our friends, family, and business associates. 

I’ve been following this strategy for years now, and it has worked every single time. The only difference is that I don’t wait to feel unhappy to step out of myself. I do it anyway, and it makes me feel even more happy, uplifted, and inspired than I already felt. I pick up the phone, walk over to someone and get talking, or even go out on a walk by myself. Just one small, right action helps me to see the world differently.

Over this weekend, I will be getting out of myself every opportunity I find. I am looking forward to some major inspiration and information. Hope you find your chance to ‘get out’, too!

Who is your greatest fan?

I have a sneaking suspicion that you thought of someone else right away. Today morning, as I opened my Facebook page to write one of my original quotes, this one struck me – ‘Believe in yourself, your fan club begins with you’. I smiled with some nostalgia as I put this up on my page. 

When I started out in life, I was not my greatest fan by any stretch of the imagination. I was my greatest critic. I was hard on myself, and found every fault I could possibly find. I berated myself for all the embarrassing moments and mistakes, that sting harder when we are that young.

Gallons of water have flown under the bridge since then. And being my greatest fan has been one of the hard earned lessons. 

The phrase ‘be your own fan’ is not an exercise in narcissism or blinding self-promotion. Quite the opposite. To me, it simply means this....

To love ourselves as much as we might love the most precious person in our life, to treat ourselves with genuine respect, great kindness, and ample forgiveness. It’s a place, where looking into a mirror, we smile with the kind of happiness we search for in other people’s faces. And ‘being our own fan’ is about paying heed to a voice inside that tells us we are wise, beautiful, and intelligent – we are entitled to every good thing in life.  

What’s the reverse of not being our own admirers? Well, in my experience, if we don’t love ourselves, we must dislike ourselves. If we don’t admire who we are deep down, we must criticize what we see on the surface. If we don’t forgive ourselves, we must exist under the burden of blame and guilt. If we don’t respect ourselves, we must allow others to take away from our self-respect at every opportunity. And if we don’t consider ourselves wise and intelligent, we must act foolish to prove our belief. 

That sounds like a sad place to be. A place where all our talents and ideas seem less worthy than others, and our confidence is attached to the random opinions of those around. Have you noticed, the more we trust and look up to someone, the more their opinions become our own? We begin to define ourselves through the eyes of others. 

I am reminded of a short spell of time when I was learning the ropes of just about everything. There were no rules to follow outright, and much was left to the raw discretion of a young girl who never lacked in enthusiasm, but sorely fell short on expertise and experience. It was a time of great learning and development. Such that never happens in a school or college; these are valuable lessons only the real world can teach us. I was on one such enlightening journey – and as with all things valuable, I did not know its importance back then. 

Within a short span of two months, I realized something grave was missing from my life. That one word was – appreciation. My environment did not believe in giving feedback or telling me on a monthly basis how I was doing? There was only silence and short communications about what I was expected to do. Instead of protesting about it, I fell in line, because that seemed the only option at my disposal then. The results were disastrous. I fell back on my work, and stressed about the smallest of tasks. I began to think less and less of my innate ability to excel. More dangerously, I fell into the trap of looking to others for validation, instead of asking myself if I had done well or not. My confidence nose-dived, making me a poor version of my otherwise effusive and extremely positive self.

Thankfully, light dawned. When the negativity got too much, I shook myself up, and my real self emerged – rebellious and complaining about my lack of support to my own self. I saw the folly of my ways, not just in believing my circumstances, but not asking for what was due to me. If only I had asked for feedback, I know I would have received it. Maybe, the other person was waiting for me as well. Maybe, my silence was misunderstood for satisfaction. We might never discover, and it doesn’t matter now. The lesson was important, and I have held on to it. 

Ask yourself today – Are you your greatest fan? Are you the admirer you have been waiting for all your life? Are you your best companion and most attentive listener? 

I hope you say, yes. Even if you don’t, do begin today. Go ahead, and appreciate yourself in the silence and solitude of your mind. We have the maximum conversations in a day with ourselves - next time you talk to yourself, be kind, be excited, be appreciative, and be encouraging. We need all of this from within than from any other person in our life.

Are you sorted out?

Has it ever happened to you that you met someone, looked at them, spoke for about five minutes....and got this unmistakable feeling – ‘this person is sorted out’. Doesn’t it seem like such a coveted place to be – the sorted out zone? These people are completely tantalizing for me. So much better than being muddled in our heads and confused about our deepest values and desires? Which in turn makes us drift with the next popular wave, only to be washed ashore a bit more overwhelmed than when we began.

I’ve met a few seriously sorted out people. They know what they are about, their best strengths and worst fears. They know where they are going in life and when they are lost. They are their best judge, and criticism and praise are taken in their stride. They also know when they don't know! And I can generally be found staring up at them wondering how did that person become so poised, so genuinely comfortable with themselves, quietly secure, disarmingly real, and unbelievably good, deep down. For me, these are the elements of being ‘sorted out’; people who have found themselves and know what they are doing with this awareness of who they are!

I have gone ahead boldly and quizzed some of them on how they achieved this rare feat of human behavior? What stops them from getting lured into the temptations of our commonplace and wretched behavior, petty thoughts, wicked mischief, and lopsided judgments? How come they discovered what confounds many?

Here are some themes that seem common.

Solitude: To listen, one needs to stop talking. All sorted out people have had the opportunity to be alone and invest in deep thinking. You will agree that not everyone left to their own devices promptly launches into a project of self-discovery. I agree, and that will be my second point. For now, let me speak more about solitude. Two important things happen the moment we are alone. For one, we get away from the unnerving scrutiny of others and two, the incessant noise of humanity ceases. Being alone with our self creates ripples of thoughts that take us to brand new parts of our own mind. The more time we spend exploring our mind, the greater the depth of our self-awareness.

Values: A beacon is the light on top of a lighthouse that shows the way to approaching ships in the darkness. In the same spirit, our values show us the way when we are at sea in life. Being alone can quickly turn into a wasted opportunity. Values help us stay on course. They are the messengers of our guidance system that tells us which way to go. To ask meaningful questions of ourselves is the quiet work of our value system. What questions to ask is aided by the next point.

Judgment: Sorted out people have an enviable eye for the finer points of life. They are able to – with the help of solitude and their values – find meaningful thoughts to ponder upon. The rights and wrongs of life intrigue them. They show keen interest in the human condition around them, and try and ask tough questions of themselves. For example, if there was only one person who could be rescued from a sinking boat, what would they do? Their answers help explore their own rights and wrongs, and logic of life and living. They are curious to push the limits of their thinking and decision making. They find answers to tough questions.

Courage: Not everyone who finds solitude, professes values, and has good judgment necessarily puts any of these to good use. Very importantly, we also need the fortitude to overlook our limitations and step over the line of control. Sorted out people have the courage to do uncomfortable and tough things in life. For example, not hesitating to overcome a fear they have. If they are scared of water, they go right ahead and learn to swim. This personal victory creates massive inroads into their own mind and its capacity to expand and perform well. They test their limits, by pushing themselves to excellence.

Excellence: They root for excellence, because mediocrity is the domain of the confused and less courageous. Those who want to find themselves set high standards at work and in life. They set targets that stretch them and release their limitations. Often, the word 'perfectionism' can be heard around sorted out people. They pay attention to detail and take genuine pride in doing a good job of things.

Compassion: Sorted out people have compassion for the ‘unsorted’ amongst us. On a more serious note; they look at others with intent to try and understand them rather than be understood first. They naturally gravitate towards the good in others and the good in our world than spend time finding faults with either. There is deep goodness in sorted out people. And this last, but certainly not the least of their qualities, differentiates them from everyone else. To exhibit our intelligence is easy, to be clear in our minds is not too hard, but to be genuinely good people is tough for most of us.

Over this weekend, my special task is to enter the kingdom of ‘sortedness’ and courageously explore parts of my mind I have not yet confronted.

In defense of desperation

Late yesterday night, I was lying in bed and about to doze off when a thought struck me, and I knew I had to write it down before I forgot it in the morning. That thought was about the advantages of being desperate. This morning, like a sad coincidence, I heard that Steve Jobs had passed away. What I wrote seems to be a fitting tribute to this great man. This is what I penned down last night...

In my observation of countless people, and myself, I strongly believe that a halfhearted and lethargic pursuit of a goal is the same thing as not pursuing that goal at all. The consequences of both approaches are the same. Neither lead anyplace worth going to. 

There is no life to any goal until it is liberally laced with a hefty dose of deep desire and urgency. If you naturally feel like that about any ambition you have, then you are very likely to achieve it against all odds and in a shockingly short time. My experience has taught me that deep desire + urgency = good desperation. 

Think about it, what is the point of wanting something if we didn’t want it badly enough? That which is worth achieving is also worth getting desperate and urgent about. If our goals are ethical, meaningful, and worth running after then why wait? That kind of desperation is good desperation. 

Observe in your own life and of those around you – ambition that wanders about in varying degrees of wishful thinking dies an untimely death. Indifference breeds mediocrity and failure. Realizing our aspirations takes much more than that. 

I am reminded of an ancient story about Socrates, the renowned Greek philosopher. A young man once approached the master and asked if he could teach him wisdom. Socrates took the young man to a nearby stream, and pushed his head under water. He held the man down until he was desperate to breathe air, at that moment, Socrates released his head. The man came up gasping for a breath of air. Socrates looked at him keenly and said that the young man needed ‘that’ kind of desperation to learn wisdom. The day he felt that desperation, he would acquire wisdom on his own. The same principle applies to so many things in our life. 

In similar vein, many years ago, I desperately wanted to get out of my immediate circumstances and step out of India to meet people of other cultures, to learn from my travels, and work outside. It was an impossible dream for me in so many ways. Yet, the thought refused to budge, and I relentlessly pursued it in my mind until one day, by sheer chance, I happened to find a perfect opportunity. Within months I was living my goal. Honestly, I don’t think it was my talent or a special gift that helped me live my dream; it was the desperation with which I felt the need to fulfill my deep desire that did it. A deep desire combined with mental urgency helped me see an opportunity that I would have otherwise missed for sure. Our highest success rests on how badly we want to succeed, not just talent and intelligence.  

If we want to genuinely get to any place worthwhile in life, let’s be desperate to get there. Let’s charge up our passion and put out our best self for the world to see. We only have so long to live this life. Might as well get moving today...

I can’t help ending this piece with a stunning insight from Steve Jobs – a legend while he lived – a rare honor in life. 

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything -- all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. ... Stay hungry. Stay foolish." - Steve Jobs

Commencement Address by Steve Jobs to Stanford students, 2005 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF8uR6Z6KLc&feature=share

How to be happy everyday

There are some gifted people who are happy every single day. Almost as if by magic. They smile and mean it, they speak kindly and we believe them, they stay calm in the midst of a tempest, and we look up to them with awe. How do they do it? Why can't everyone do the same and be happy everyday?

That's because it's a skill....and like all other skills, it needs daily practice until it gets embedded into our subconscious mind and we believe with absolute faith that we must be habitually happy people. When you learn to drive a car or to swim, you don't become an expert on day one. It takes time for the skill to get embedded in our subconscious mind before we can either drive or swim without having to think of 'how' to drive or swim. It happens naturally and without conscious effort.

Being happy everyday is much the same. It is a conscious practice until one day, the subconscious takes over and it becomes as natural as breathing air. Our mind then churns out happiness in the face of great unhappiness and unhappy people.  Seeing the proverbial 'silver lining' to every dark cloud is a skill as well.

I have experimented quite a bit with being happy because I am intrigued by this emotion. It is so easy to be angry, rude, revengeful, envious, mean.....I could do this all day long without an effort. We won't talk of consequences just yet, only that it is easy to be negative. Being a difficult person doesn't take practice.

Being happy is the hard part for those of us who might already have committed to the negative traits we all have within us. Only one strong, dominant emotional habit can survive in the subconscious mind at a time. Either we commit to being unhappy or we commit to being happy. If we make a promise to our subconscious, deep inner self that we will be happy everyday, it will take our command seriously and belt out happiness day after day. It has no option but to listen to what we decide. The subconscious does not have the power to overturn our decisions, it faithfully obeys and manifests exactly what we ask it to do.

This is not a tiring task for our body or mind, and there is no question of being fatigued with being happy everyday. It is possible to be full of energy, good humor and happiness day after day. We just need to command our subconscious to do so. Speak with it with authority about your intention to be a happy person. Unhappiness escapes quickly then.

How to speak to your subconscious mind is documented in many books, here is one of the ways that works for me. It is called the visualization technique. When I am relaxed physically, for example just before going to sleep or while meditating or doing yoga, I imagine with all my focus how I want a certain situation to be. I clearly imagine every detail of my intention or goal. For example, if I want my body to be healed of a back pain, I imagine myself completely fit, without pain, flexible and being able to walk and jog easily. I hold this image in my mind and 'feel' being healthy. I never doubt that this picture in my mind is not true or that I am in pain right now. I focus on the good part I want happening in my life. Which is healing, in this case. The pain vanishes in a short time, and I am healthy again.

Another great technique is to keep telling yourself  repeatedly what you want your subconscious to accomplish for you. If you want to be to happy everyday, you can say something on these lines....

'I am happy everyday, I remain calm and peaceful. There is joy in my heart every single day. I am grateful for all the blessings in my life.'

If you are prone to being an anxious and worried person, you can say, 'I am calm and peaceful. I know everything will be settled with harmony and happiness.' 

Feel free to make the message short or long as you wish. The important part is not the length of your message, but your conviction while saying it. Say it in your mind when you feel the urge to be unhappy or angry at someone. When spoken with absolute faith and belief, the message goes to our inner mind and gets lodged there. Our actions follow that message. Very soon, you will see great results from this mind technique.

It has been my repeated and absolute experience that when we don't give the right messages to our subconscious mind, and let it wander in negative habits, our life becomes steadily unhappy and unsuccessful. Also, if we are not incharge of our thinking, others will take charge of our thinking. It is better, therefore, to decide who we want to become as we move forward. The power of our life is in our own hands. The more we use it the more it becomes easy to be powerful, happy, successful, healthy, wealthy, and harmonious individuals. Begin today!

I recommend a great book, 'The Power of your Subconscious Mind' by Dr. Joseph Murphy.