The art of letting go....

As I sit here to write today, I have gathered new experiences in this new year, visited a new place I'd never been to, donned the tourist hat and looked around keenly, met new people and made a couple of new friends. And of course....had some new realizations.

This year, one of my bigger realizations is to forgive more freely and have more compassion in any situation than I am prone to displaying. Not that I don't forgive or forget, but there room for improvement. I need to let myself and others off of the hook more often. 

Many years ago, I read this beautiful piece that came as a forward in my inbox. It was called, 'The art of letting go', and it had an undeniable effect on my thinking. I'll admit that I haven't always been able to let go in emotionally and mentally tough situations, but with passing years, I am beginning to see great value in it. 

I often ask myself....what makes for a happy, peaceful, and fulfilling day? Well, for starts not harboring bitter and regretful feelings helps. Not brooding over past injustices and the unfairness of our world saves positive fuel to propel better thoughts. Not letting grudges and anger fester in my mind opens up loads of space for better things to enter my life. Not holding resentments allows me to find more friends and less foes. It's all connected to the art of letting go....letting go the past and respecting my present more.

So, I am about to make a list of all that which has bothered me in the past, and then close my eyes and meditate on what makes me angry about that person, thing or place and then with all my positive energy - release my hurt and anger. I plan to do this until I have crossed out all that I might have stored in my little black book. I guess, we all have one stashed away and the contents always spill over into the worst moments of our life - reminding us of all the negativity of the past and present.

I am getting older. I don't have the time or the patience or the energy to brood, to resent, to show my anger, to take my back, to settle my scores, to justify myself, to rub it in, to indulge in regrets, to live in fear, to feel insecure, and to feel negative. I am done with all of these for this lifetime.

And I am thankful, because I now understand the value of the opposite end of the spectrum. All the above were important and necessary experiences. I would be incomplete without crossing those paths. But there is a time to cross a path and there is a time to recognize that road and decide to not go down it again. 

I think I have reached that point where I can stand at crossroads and choose more wisely. Forgiveness comes to me more easily, compassion does not feel hypocritical, concern sounds naturally genuine and proving I am right doesn't matter as much. 

Unlike what I had imagined - this an easier road to walk on because the fantastic people you meet on this path are people you won't meet on any other.

The 10 things to strive for in 2012

Happy New Year 2012! It's the New Year and I feel the gush of excitement and a feeling of unwrapping a brand new gift. It is amazing that no matter how tough the last year might have been, the transition from Dec 31st to Jan 1st brings hope, new beginnings, greater resolve, and new found determination to make this year the best we can. 

Among the many things we could do this year to help ourselves be our best, here are my TOP TEN picks.

ONE: Be determined. Keep plugging into your big goals to make them a reality. 

TWO: Stay calm. Don't let people disturb your focus over trivial issues.

THREE: Remain enthusiastic. A dull pursuit of a desire never got anyone anywhere. 

FOUR: Take care of your body. Health determines the true quality of our life.

FIVE: Forgive and move on. Forgiveness helps you to shed the burdens of your life. 

SIX: Create value. Create more value for your customers/ organization than anyone expects.

SEVEN: Take vacations. Refresh and renew your mind and body, so you feel energetic. 

EIGHT: Live everyday. No day is ordinary or boring, we make it so. 

NINE: Take care of your relationships. People come before things, money, and work. 

TEN: Never give up: Getting over your toughest phase brings the best rewards.

10 Tips on not losing sleep over others....

How do I preserve my peace of mind? I've wondered often, especially....when I lose it. Annoyingly so, one loses it over trivialities than earth-shattering issues. A jibe from someone, a sarcastic remark, callous behavior, hurtful tone, unkind laughter, and most often....judgments that others make a business of heaping on you. 

Experience has taught me, I would rather lose sleep over pesky mosquitoes in my room than over someone who thinks too much of themselves and too little of me. That sounds dangerously like an unreasonable person who can't be made happy - not now and not in the future. Nothing could be a greater waste of time, positive energy, and stamina than to try and please or convince people like this.  

Yet I hear often from others that they are unhappy because someone criticized them, or didn't appreciate their genuine effort, or suspected their good intentions, or said hurtful things knowing the effect if would have on them. Ask yourself this good question - Why would you allow someone to do this to you?

Peace of mind might not be a fashionable term. Yet, with passing years, I yearn for it even more than I do for success or money. Let's aspire this New Years to make peace a part of our mind space.

Here's my recipe - The Top 10 tips on preserving your peace of mind. Hope you find it useful:

1. Beware of the opinions of others. Weigh them before you buy them.

2. Give yourself credit for your intelligence and wisdom. Don't wait to be told you are good enough.

3. Be sure that we all spend more time learning than making mistakes. Though it seems the other way round.

4. Smile generously upon criticism. You probably know what you aren't good at anyway.

5. Accept that your best efforts might not be appreciated. Say a word of appreciation to yourself.

6. Know that some people will never be pleased - it's their problem, not yours! Though this also seems the other way round.

7. Remember you are as imperfect as the other person. We are just imperfect at different things.

8. Realize that those who judge you unfairly create a devil in their own minds before they might in yours.

9. Understand that the most unpleasant ones are fighting their own demons. It doesn't have so much to do with you.

10. Always remember that depending on someone else to make you feel great  leads to heartache. Know that you did your best, then let it go.

Next time you lose sleep over someone or something, remember that we are all headed to one common, inevitable destination. Including the other person. In the larger scheme of life and things what is bothering you is miniscule compared to what you could celebrate.

Are you happy today?

I think I've written more blogs about 'happiness' than any other worthy topic. I feel strongly about being happy people because it appears to be the cornerstone of all other accomplishments. Unhappy people seem to breed failure, and happy people seem to choose success. 

I've come full circle in my constant pursuit of happiness. I began by not reading about being happy, then reading a lot, then experimenting all by myself, then failing miserably and getting depressed anyway. Then I tried reading complicated books about it, then I watched happy people in the hope of learning happiness. Then I read simpler books, and observed some more people being happy. I continued to be happy and unhappy nevertheless. Inconsistency gets to me. I like striving for consistency and find it tough, honestly.

The pursuit of happiness continues - HOW can I be happy for 90% of my life leaving only a measly 10% for the unhappy part. Just like 90% ought be healthy and 10% in a sick bed. I had to apportion a part to both kinds of mental states because all wise people say that life is a mix of the opposites, and the ups and downs are not just inevitable, but desirable. 

Point taken. We hardly learn from being happy has been my refrain as well. But I've discovered that a very short spell of wretchedness is quite enough to make me learn. I am a quick study. I resolutely want to be happy - all the time, if possible. 

So this is what I do now. I LIVE my life everyday. Which means I focus on doing things that I like to do. Most importantly, these few things I like to do seem to produce more things I like to do. Through this strategy, happy opportunities and happy moments are produced quicker than even rabbits multiplying. 

Just today, all I wanted to do was sit in the sun and read a book by Tony Robbins called, 'Unlimited Power'. That's exactly what I went ahead and did. Could I have been writing a book of my own in that time? Yes, probably. But I chose to succumb to the urge of doing this happy thing. Just one hour of this made me insanely happy. Now I am back at my work desk and I am very productive and very happy. 

I am writing this in my most free and happy states of mind. I've learned not to feel guilty about these small, everyday pleasures of life. I absolutely love the thrill of doing tiny things that make me feel great. Let's make life worth living every day. Many people in our world are waiting for that one spectacular day to make it worth while to be on this planet. You and I know that it doesn't work like that - life is right here in the apparent ordinariness of everyday - not in the illusion of a special day in the future. 

So let's be as happy as we can today - right now - in this moment. I am. Are you?

Why you must never give up.....

Long ago, in another land, I was a bright eyed, bushy tailed MBA aspirant. There stood between me and the degree I pined for a formidable competitive exam. As was the trend, I joined a coaching class to help me along with the exam.

My instructor said something to egg us on that left a deep imprint on my mind. She said....

"Don't give up when you badly want to give up...that's an indication you are almost at the top of the ladder. Most people give up and start climbing down at that stage, not realizing how close they are to the top. Keep climbing." 

Thankfully, I was young enough to believe her entirely. I hung on. I climbed my ladder. Not just that one, but quite a few others since then. But here's the trick. When every ounce of my strength and resolve is spent in trying to achieve what I want, and my efforts have come to naught.....that's when I so badly want to give up. Every fiber of my being screams in rebellion. As if waiting for that bit of clamor, a tiny voice miraculously awakens from its slumber, and says to me....march on resolutely, don't be foolish, don't be weak now, don't get tempted by the devil, don't waste all your toil and tears - not when the end is so near. The light is just round the corner....walk on just a bit. I nod in agreement though unwillingly, pick up the pieces and lie to myself that I have it in me to walk just a bit longer. 

And I do....I meet the dazzling light and all my pain is then forgotten and forgiven. Life gets its way and I come out grateful and chastised.

Life has a brilliant way of squeezing us through unimaginable pressure and agony . Like a rock that must undergo immense pressure, pain and patience before it pops out a diamond. Shining insanely in the bright glare of its success - no one remembers how dusty and black it lay just a while ago. Same above as below. The transformation is no less painful for us up here - the wait no less humiliating. And yet, life demands that last drop of blood and sweat. 

Next time any of us want to give up - let's go easy on life. She wants us to succeed. Fortunes change in a day. The last stretch is the ultimate test - lets be masters of the last mile. Never give up! Never lose faith.

How to prevent a bad mood....

Moods are slippery things. One moment you want to conquer the world, the next you're so bored you could be counting the spiders hanging from your ceiling. It seriously bothers me when I don't feel as happy, excited, and charged up as I would like to. And I don't want to dismiss it in the name of my overactive female hormones. I've seen men go through mood swings, too.

So here are my FIVE proven strategies to elevate your mood this holiday season...beginning now! (Of course, eating chocolates and cakes works too!)

Remember - moods make you move! A bad mood can waste your most precious time and energy on brooding over all the wrong stuff OR a fabulous mood can help you take action and achieve big things in life! The choice is ours....read on. 

1. Wake up to shake up - waking up with the crows and before the sun rises helps you kick start your normal bio clock - just the way nature meant it to be. Plenty of time to sleep when we are dead, as someone wise said.

2. Get moving - cliched, but true. An unmoving lifestyle that keeps you in a chair/sofa for hours on end is a sure shot way for lethargy to creep up on your mood. Brisk walk/jog for just 20 mins everyday to elevate your mood to 'happy' and 'excited'. I've tried it, and I so enjoy it.

3. Chunk that schedule - nothing demotivates me more than lingering on a task for 3 hours non-stop. Research has proven that working in 90 minute chunks with a 15 min rejuvenating break in between makes us most productive and happy. Try it today!

4. Start it right - begin your day with either listening, reading, talking, watching something uplifting and positive. Protect your mood when it matters the most. Avoid toxic people, TV, and newspapers. I love this one.

5. Align it right - doing what you don't like is a serious and long-term mood spoiler. Align your life and your work to your desires and goals. This is a long-term mood saver, and one of my important personal discoveries.

Hope these five proven strategies help you in making your mood a more steady part of your mental health, than just something you leave to chance.

A super happy day ahead to all of you!

Interview

Thanks to the publications, I get an opportunity to talk about my work and life, and what I believe in. Hope you find it useful and enjoyable. 

Published in Chillibreeze - 2011
http://chillibreeze.in/writer-interviews/chillibreeze-interview-with-sonali-masih-dsilva/

Victims don't win...

We all have our pet peeves and we all have our fetish for a thing or two in life. I discovered that some people have an absolute liking for playing 'victim' in life.

A while back, I attended a gathering of like-minded people that promised to be an elevating evening of good conversations and sensible thoughts. Things were on track for a while, and the conversation was gathering momentum. A lady looked decidedly uncomfortable and skeptical. Ultimately, the constructiveness got too much for her and she piped in with - 'what do you do if others are hell bent on pulling you down? How can I be positive when everyone in my immediate environment finds faults with me, and compares me with others. I am surrounded by critical and unhappy people.'

For a while, there was absolute silence, not because the complaint was not acceptable, but because the whole conversation till then had been about taking responsibility and being proactive about managing our environment. Yet, the leader of the discussion tried his hardest to bring the lady hope, and we all pitched in with some fantastic ideas, if I may say so myself. These were very practical and common sense ideas such as:

• Love yourself completely - try not to find faults with yourself
• Look at the good stuff inside you that others might not
• Develop the courage to stand up to unwanted criticism and come up with facts
• Comparisons can be hurtful, but the one comparing you takes pleasure in the effect it has on you, so be stronger. Try not to get swayed by it.
• Change your environment however hard it might be
• Avoid brooding about what others say - it makes it harder to move on
• Value your strengths especially, when others don't
• Don't give energy to the negativity of others, it makes them stronger and you weaker
• Indulge in a hobby or interest that helps you shift your attention from others to yourself

This took considerable time and energy, but everyone was happy to contribute because everyone wanted to help. The only problem was - the lady was not looking for help. She looked doubtful and found a way to shoot down most suggestions and agreed unwillingly to some. Finally, she said, 'but there are some people in our life who absolutely cripple us, and we can't stop them.'

And then I understood her real problem - it wasn't her environment, it wasn't her family harassing her, it wasn't that God had chosen a hard time for her. Her problem was that she was a hard core victim. She enjoyed the attention and sympathy that her complaining brought her. I also realized that a victim who wants to be one doesn't turn a victor without their wanting to do so. It doesn't matter if good suggestions and help is extended. And it might not make any difference if someone put them in the best and most positive of environments. I guess they will still find a reason to crib and be unhappy.

I came away a bit jolted, and I'll admit even a little frustrated. We live only once - and none of us are getting any younger. Wasting our life is probably a more terrible loss than even wasting our time. But then, the gates of change open only on the inside, others can knock in hope.

Let's be victors....lets take charge....let's make the most of this one life we got. Because victims don't turn victors, only proactive, courageous and resourceful people do.

Five Success Rules Reinvented - 5. Be real not virtual

BE REAL NOT VIRTUAL: I strongly feel that in spite of our scientific advances, the human interface is supreme and way beyond any glitzy new technology. True friendships and loving relationships flourish in real life even if they began in the virtual world. And this is my personal experience.

Why is it better to be real than virtual? Because nothing can replace the human element of communication, and nothing can convey our real feelings and emotions better than ourselves! Recently, the CEO of a well known organization was fired through a sms by the board of directors!

How often have you caught yourself calling someone on the phone, when it could have been easier and nicer to just walk up to them and speak! The noise of humanity, and rapidly increasing distractions of all the technology and gadgets around us make it very easy to be virtual than real. In fact, technology has bred its own share of disadvantages - one of the biggest of them being - getting disconnected from the real life that we are meant to live.

Here are five tips that I hope will help you be more real than virtual:

1. Make an effort to meet your friends once in a while. It is so easy to let years go by without meeting our best friends at times. 

2. Request a face-to-face meeting with colleagues whenever possible, instead of opting by default for conference calls or email discussions. 

3. Meet people especially, when you want to convey a bad news, a negative feedback, or an improvement suggestion. Being there to convey our real intention and observe the other person’s reaction is so important in ‘not-so-great’ situations. 

4. Keep Sundays – a no technology day – switch off the distractions of life, and observe the sea change you will feel in your peace of mind, your relationships, and your attention span. 

5. Have a cut off time for browsing the net, and hold yourself accountable to stick to it. Often, we browse the net simply because we don’t have anything else to entertain or interest us. Remember, the more we get entangled in the world wide web, the more we lose touch with our real hobbies, aspirations, and goals. 

My recent effort to be more real than virtual: Before I wrote and posted this blog, I wanted to make 'being real' a priority for myself. Over this weekend, I shut down my computer, and from morning till late evening, busied myself with reality and real people I could meet and talk to face-to-face. It was enormously exciting, and I met so many new people. Not to mention, my brain needed rest from my work on my laptop. I find myself more motivated and productive this Monday morning.

PS: This brings me to the end of the five part series on 'Five Success Rules Reinvented'. I hope it helped you to think and act in ways that can help you live your best life and lead yourself every single day!

Five Success Rules Reinvented - 4. Be more than your job

BE MORE THAN YOUR JOB: Honestly, it is a bit boring to go to office every single day and 'just do your job'. One of the biggest reasons for work frustration and exhaustion is - just doing your job! I know this might surprise you because a lot of us are proud of doing our jobs. Nothing wrong with it, but it's a sure way to stagnate sooner than later. You see, a job description is merely a guiding document. Our real success and value is when we go beyond the obvious responsibilities of our work, and do the unexpected, the unasked, and the unthinkable.

Some might consider this overstepping the line, or treading on other people's toes. Well, we can all use our common sense and differentiate between being inventive and interfering. In fact, I speak from personal experience on this - no organization in its right mind will stop you from being creative, passionate, and unique about what you do. And when we enter that zone of heightened awareness around our basic role, we go much beyond our job and become a supremely valuable part of our team, of our organization, and our customers.

Here are five tips to go beyond your job, I hope will help you:

1. Scan your work/ team environment for new opportunities. At times, you will be surprised that just asking for work you are passionate about might take you to the next level. Many of us don't ask for the fear of being refused. Ask this time.

2. Make a document with three sub-heads. Your biggest strengths, your core competence, and a new responsibility you want to take up. Ponder on this document, talk to someone you trust, until a spark ignites about how you can go beyond your job.

3. Take your focus away from the traditional - I am here to do my job - and shift it to the new - I am here to add value to my team and my customers, I am part of the future of this organization. You will be amazed at how you will begin looking at your work differently.

4. Ask for guidance and help. At times, all we need is a nudge in the right direction. Prepare some good questions and have a discussion with your boss or mentor at work about how you can use your potential better at work.

5. It helps to remember that we are leaders at work. Don't wait for a designation or announcement to make you feel like one. You lead your life either to your aspirations or your frustrations. You are in-charge of your value at work. Get valuable.

When I went beyond my job: Many years ago, I stumbled on this bit of wisdom by accident. I had co-founded a training agency in 2000, and went looking for clients. As I had meetings with my potential customers, I offered value-added services like a newsletter, free follow-up training sessions, and customization of programs for each client. This also meant more ground work for me, but this spirit of going beyond my job is what made my business a success, and got me respect as a trainer. That was one of my biggest learnings. So, I suggest, let's be more than our job, before we expect to get more than our salary.