You've been at the receiving end of this one word today or even a few minutes ago. Or you are the one who just spoke it and doesn't even realize. We all cringe at that word because it shuts out possibilities, makes things less desirable, cripples action and confuses others about our intentions and what we want done.
That one word is also a necessary part of our vocabulary, if you can't abandon it altogether, let's at least make an effort to use it sparingly and consciously.
That 'one word' is - Don't! Think if you have heard it recently, this week, today, a few minutes ago.
Did someone just ask you what they 'don't' want you to do or say, rather than what they would prefer you to do or say. And, they didn't even realize that their intention was to make you do the opposite, which is - have you do or say something that was desirable?
I was a don't person, and those close to me pointed out to me how often my sentences would begin with a don't rather than what I wanted to see happening instead. So, I would say, 'don't write that email right now, wait for me to provide you more data', instead, I could have as easily said, 'Once I provide you the data, you can send off that email we just discussed'. Simple? While it is, using don't is a matter of conditioning.
So, from real and personal experience, this is why I think 'don't' creeps into our communication as leaders.
Don't is often an ailment that afflicts the perfectionists among us, those of us who want things done a certain way, are highly committed and conscientious and love to see the outcome just as we envisioned it. Now reality doesn't often work like that, and so over a period of time we get scared and skeptical of another's ability to make our vision a reality. Which is why maybe, don'ts creeps into our communication when we want the opposite to be accomplished.
Here's how you can get alert and take action to get rid of the 'don't' habit in as little as a month's time! Believe me, your team will be happier and more responsive to your requests. Get ready to see more action than inaction!
1.Listen to yourself
This is not as hard as you may think. Given most leaders consider their own voice music to their ears, put your temptation to good use and listen to yourself talk. It's easy if you focus and speak just a little bit slower than you usually would. Now look out for the don'ts. You'll get so good at this within a week that you will be counting them off mentally.
2. Write down sentences that begin with a don't
Writing makes it more real and easier to learn from. Now that you are more tuned to listening to yourself, write down actual sentences you began with a don't over your work day. Do this daily for a week. You will now be able to see clearly that you are using don't when you could have used 'do' instead. For eg., 'Don't call me for the next one hour, I want to focus', instead you could have said, 'I'll like to focus on this report for the next one hour, and take calls after that.' Easy right, and makes so much more sense to the person listening.
3. Be clear about what you want happening
As you work towards breaking the don't habit, know that team members, your assistant, your peers, customers or even your boss is more likely to comply with your wishes if you clearly say what you want happening. 'For eg., 'I'd really want us to brainstorm on these ideas today and be ready with our recommendations for me to present next week.' When you speak in do terms, you make it so much more easy to follow your instructions, requests and recommendations as a leader. Use don't and you make it harder for the human mind to process what exactly do you want them to do. In fact, don't sentences make people drop the ball more often. Less ambiguity of your intentions = more chances of the work getting done.
4. Get feedback
Now that you are taking corrective action are nearing the one-month period to get rid of the don't habit, depute a couple of close friends, family, your kids or peers to raise a finger and signal to you when you lapse into the don't habit again. Or figure out a signal that might be fun and get you alert at the same time. Know that they have your best interest at heart and you are enlisting their support. So, be patient with them and yourself. When you see the signal that you just began a sentence with a don't -
Pause.
Now reframe the sentence and say what you want happening. Old habits do die hard. So keep at it. You will be amazed at how starting your sentences affirmatively and positively has a wonderful ripple effect on those who work most closely with you. It makes them less anxious around you and more alert. Sit back and enjoy the change!
After all these years, an alarm bell goes off in my head if I begin with a don't when I could have done a better job. I right away reframe it in my head, apologise to the other person and give it another shot.
Don't = opposite of what you want done, confuses the other person = ball gets dropped
Do = This is exactly what you want & how you want it done = greater goal achievement
No comments:
Post a Comment