Are you sorted out?

Has it ever happened to you that you met someone, looked at them, spoke for about five minutes....and got this unmistakable feeling – ‘this person is sorted out’. Doesn’t it seem like such a coveted place to be – the sorted out zone? These people are completely tantalizing for me. So much better than being muddled in our heads and confused about our deepest values and desires? Which in turn makes us drift with the next popular wave, only to be washed ashore a bit more overwhelmed than when we began.

I’ve met a few seriously sorted out people. They know what they are about, their best strengths and worst fears. They know where they are going in life and when they are lost. They are their best judge, and criticism and praise are taken in their stride. They also know when they don't know! And I can generally be found staring up at them wondering how did that person become so poised, so genuinely comfortable with themselves, quietly secure, disarmingly real, and unbelievably good, deep down. For me, these are the elements of being ‘sorted out’; people who have found themselves and know what they are doing with this awareness of who they are!

I have gone ahead boldly and quizzed some of them on how they achieved this rare feat of human behavior? What stops them from getting lured into the temptations of our commonplace and wretched behavior, petty thoughts, wicked mischief, and lopsided judgments? How come they discovered what confounds many?

Here are some themes that seem common.

Solitude: To listen, one needs to stop talking. All sorted out people have had the opportunity to be alone and invest in deep thinking. You will agree that not everyone left to their own devices promptly launches into a project of self-discovery. I agree, and that will be my second point. For now, let me speak more about solitude. Two important things happen the moment we are alone. For one, we get away from the unnerving scrutiny of others and two, the incessant noise of humanity ceases. Being alone with our self creates ripples of thoughts that take us to brand new parts of our own mind. The more time we spend exploring our mind, the greater the depth of our self-awareness.

Values: A beacon is the light on top of a lighthouse that shows the way to approaching ships in the darkness. In the same spirit, our values show us the way when we are at sea in life. Being alone can quickly turn into a wasted opportunity. Values help us stay on course. They are the messengers of our guidance system that tells us which way to go. To ask meaningful questions of ourselves is the quiet work of our value system. What questions to ask is aided by the next point.

Judgment: Sorted out people have an enviable eye for the finer points of life. They are able to – with the help of solitude and their values – find meaningful thoughts to ponder upon. The rights and wrongs of life intrigue them. They show keen interest in the human condition around them, and try and ask tough questions of themselves. For example, if there was only one person who could be rescued from a sinking boat, what would they do? Their answers help explore their own rights and wrongs, and logic of life and living. They are curious to push the limits of their thinking and decision making. They find answers to tough questions.

Courage: Not everyone who finds solitude, professes values, and has good judgment necessarily puts any of these to good use. Very importantly, we also need the fortitude to overlook our limitations and step over the line of control. Sorted out people have the courage to do uncomfortable and tough things in life. For example, not hesitating to overcome a fear they have. If they are scared of water, they go right ahead and learn to swim. This personal victory creates massive inroads into their own mind and its capacity to expand and perform well. They test their limits, by pushing themselves to excellence.

Excellence: They root for excellence, because mediocrity is the domain of the confused and less courageous. Those who want to find themselves set high standards at work and in life. They set targets that stretch them and release their limitations. Often, the word 'perfectionism' can be heard around sorted out people. They pay attention to detail and take genuine pride in doing a good job of things.

Compassion: Sorted out people have compassion for the ‘unsorted’ amongst us. On a more serious note; they look at others with intent to try and understand them rather than be understood first. They naturally gravitate towards the good in others and the good in our world than spend time finding faults with either. There is deep goodness in sorted out people. And this last, but certainly not the least of their qualities, differentiates them from everyone else. To exhibit our intelligence is easy, to be clear in our minds is not too hard, but to be genuinely good people is tough for most of us.

Over this weekend, my special task is to enter the kingdom of ‘sortedness’ and courageously explore parts of my mind I have not yet confronted.

Hard work does not lead to success

Recently, I attended a program which had a key-note speaker several years my senior, and they said – “Hard work does not lead to success. Only mules work hard.”

I got thinking. Like most of us, I’ve grown up listening to advice about how hard work is the only way to success. I am myself a loyal ally of hard work, and was tempted to dismiss his one-liner but for a sliver of doubt that refused to budge.

I have worked very, very hard for most of my life. So did my parents (and that’s why I do too, actually). Even so, something didn't add up. Not all hard work, either mine or theirs, has led to proportionate success. (We ought to have been billionaires by now. Seriously.) On the contrary, at times not working hard has borne results, and working very hard has delivered disappointments. Has this ever happened to you?

Mighty frustrating, if you ask me! Not to mention - upsets my conditioning.

Though on deeper thought, and considerable mulling, I reached some of these hidden realizations. Do tell me if you concur or otherwise.

In the year 2003, my career slumped dramatically, business was bleak, my finances were in shambles, and I was in no position to help my family or myself. The situation was serious enough to give me several sleepless nights - being awake was nightmare enough, I guess.

I still don’t know what happened back then. But I refused to work harder. The very thought of working harder magnified the irony of the situation. Because the only way I knew to work up until then was with diligence, I had remained admirably honest in the face of great odds, and I knew with conviction I had what it took to be the proud owner of a great career. And yet, I was nearly broke. The anomaly disturbed me more than my condition.

In essence, there was every reason and temptation to work harder and try harder. Instead, I decided to sit at home and think harder. Maybe, there wasn’t much to do outside home, anyway. Some amazing questions arose from a mind-numbing series of personal hardships.

What did I want from life? More importantly, what did life want of me? What did I really want to do? How could I improve as a person? What kind of money did I deserve to earn? What did it take to work with the best? And here's the clincher – if I was so capable, competent, honest, and hard working – what was I doing on the wrong side of success?

While I questioned myself, I unwittingly pictured my life to be beautiful, comfortable, happy, healthy, adventurous, and full of friends and supporters (such happy mind tricks these). I then did something that now seems preposterous and downright laughable. I searched for the best training organization I could find in India, and applied for work through their website. In a month’s time, I was on a flight to join them at their headquarters as a specialist trainer.

And this wasn’t the only dream break I’ve had in life. It had happened to me before and it has happened to me much more than once since. The more I peel the layers of what the key-note speaker might have meant, the more I am prone to agree. Hard work does not lead to success.  

Working hard without a purpose is pointless. Working hard with a solid purpose, and knowing what we hope to achieve from daily hard work, is one of the finer points of the art of achievement. I now understand why at times my hard work failed to deliver. From being a hard worker I have now moved to a hard core, purpose driven worker.

I’ll go so far as to say that it’s much easier and wiser to stop working altogether and find our purpose than to keep blindly working hard in the hope of stumbling across something worthwhile. I work hard every day. The only difference is that I choose carefully what I work hard on, and who I work hard with. That’s smart work, I am learning.  

Maybe, human beings are not meant to work hard. We are meant to think hard and choose smart. And then go at it with all our energy if that’s what we need to do. I have a feeling, success might be ours for the taking.   

Guilt is good...

I mean that. I feel it too. And it sounds like a mighty attractive title to boot!

Guilt is good. It is healthy. It is not all negative. And it is definitely not pointless. I discovered this as late as when I was in the middle of writing my first book, Corporate Nirvana. I wrote effortlessly about the secret to turning guilt into our biggest positive force. And I was a bit surprised where all the information poured onto the pages from.

Over the years of my voracious, hungry reading of books and resultant thinking, I have come to understand some tricks of my mind. But then, books don’t teach us the secrets of our mind – thinking does.

I don’t mind saying that guilt is the starting point of all that is good. It is an impartial critic whom we detest for telling the truth, but depend on for showing the way.

Till recent years ago, I spent hours and nights brooding on my decisions or lack thereof, beating myself up for hasty words and imperfect actions. Then something began to change. I began grudging the time spent in regurgitating the past. I started questioning the wisdom of finding my faults and absolving others of theirs. I am glad I felt guilty...about my guilt..!!

And this is my enlightening discovery. Guilt is the only way to begin feeling happy again. Without it, we would never discover the follies of our devilish mind. Have you discovered that unbridled confidence breeds corruption. Or that uninterrupted happiness hampers improvement. Though we are wired to be happy – regrets are meant to feel unhappy and uncomfortable. These interruptions are good. They jump start our life. We value happiness when we are unhappy, just like we crave peace when we are perturbed. Or how else would we know what we want? To me this makes complete sense.

But there’s a trick here – and a smart one at that. Guilt is like quicksand. Try too hard, and we go under faster. Let go, and we have a chance.

Here’s how guilt turns into the biggest positive force of our life. Next time you have deep, bitter regrets.....allow yourself some forgiveness and a generous distance from the past. If guilt is the protagonist of our past, hope is the determined leader of the future. Once we take this step, we begin to understand how we can set things right – or that we can’t set them right anymore – so we must let go. Like quicksand, life responds better when we aren’t thrashing about in despair.

My personal experiences have taught me the utility of feeling guilty, and that without it, we might never feel the powerful surge of motivation to set things right, or make the best of what we have today. But for guilt, we might never realize that time spent in regrets doesn’t make things right - but time invested in asking meaningful questions of our guilt, makes all the difference.

Guilt is good. So next time you find yourself there, feel at peace. Guilt has a purpose - of propelling us to progress, searching for answers, fostering forgiveness, and doggedly pursuing our best self.
  

Just in case you get curious about Corporate Nirvana http://www.flipkart.com/books/9380227856

Why we settle for a mediocre life...

Why do we settle for a mediocre life? Is it a dearth of knowledge, skills, access, opportunities, encouragement.....or is it something else? Something more obscure, less concrete, elusive and intangible? Something, that lurks nervously underneath the surface of our overt confidence.

This question has stumped me more than once. I have often observed an intriguing specimen of human behavior in this regard. I now feel nearly confident that it’s not our failure that poses a problem; it is our success that proves the unsuspected enemy. The moment we rise above mediocrity and begin finding our way to excellence, we attract critics that spring almost out of nowhere. 

Being our best and becoming more than what others expected us to become seems to startle people. So much so, that we begin suspecting our own motives. And wonder in the calm of solitude if we might have committed an error in judgment? A blunder in being seriously good?

Have you observed this interesting play of human nature? If you have, let me say, that this still doesn’t make our critics malicious people – just makes them human!

When we shine brightly, we unwittingly light up others’ life. In the glare of our glory, their complacency and inaction become painfully visible. Unfulfilled desires and wasted talents suddenly find a voice. And they struggle to respond, like a deer caught in the headlights. The ones who rise above mediocrity force others to face a disturbing reality – of being mediocre when they could have been much more. That hurts.

I remember more than one experience in my life when I rose above my imaginary limitations and became one of those whom I admired. Honestly, I surprised myself, and it was a heady, happy feeling. And my critics rose as well, almost in tandem, as if I had betrayed them and done great disservice to myself. At least that’s how it felt deep down.

It stung me. And I felt betrayed right back. Shouldn’t they have been happy? Ecstatic even? Now this is logic. But then, we aren’t half as logical as we believe ourselves to be. (It’s just one of those things you and I delude us about.) Tough but true. In the spur of the moment, on emotionally charged issues – we decide irrationally; and it’s not always a pleasant stand we take.

So, here is what I am beginning to understand about myself...and others. No matter how many critics and detractors our success and excellence gather, it is a grave error to change our track to accommodate their hurt and indignation. Because their sentiment is misplaced, because they have misconstrued our purpose, because they are unprepared for their own success, and because if we change our course – they might never find theirs.

To sum up in a fluid, graceful bundle of prose, I am reminded of this brilliant quote by Marianne Williamson.....

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

If we are really curious about my initial question, then maybe, we need to look deep underneath. Someplace that only responds to us, and something that guide books generally don’t tell us about.

PS: Just in case you get curious about M Williamson: http://www.marianne.com/contact.htm