Victims don't win...

We all have our pet peeves and we all have our fetish for a thing or two in life. I discovered that some people have an absolute liking for playing 'victim' in life.

A while back, I attended a gathering of like-minded people that promised to be an elevating evening of good conversations and sensible thoughts. Things were on track for a while, and the conversation was gathering momentum. A lady looked decidedly uncomfortable and skeptical. Ultimately, the constructiveness got too much for her and she piped in with - 'what do you do if others are hell bent on pulling you down? How can I be positive when everyone in my immediate environment finds faults with me, and compares me with others. I am surrounded by critical and unhappy people.'

For a while, there was absolute silence, not because the complaint was not acceptable, but because the whole conversation till then had been about taking responsibility and being proactive about managing our environment. Yet, the leader of the discussion tried his hardest to bring the lady hope, and we all pitched in with some fantastic ideas, if I may say so myself. These were very practical and common sense ideas such as:

• Love yourself completely - try not to find faults with yourself
• Look at the good stuff inside you that others might not
• Develop the courage to stand up to unwanted criticism and come up with facts
• Comparisons can be hurtful, but the one comparing you takes pleasure in the effect it has on you, so be stronger. Try not to get swayed by it.
• Change your environment however hard it might be
• Avoid brooding about what others say - it makes it harder to move on
• Value your strengths especially, when others don't
• Don't give energy to the negativity of others, it makes them stronger and you weaker
• Indulge in a hobby or interest that helps you shift your attention from others to yourself

This took considerable time and energy, but everyone was happy to contribute because everyone wanted to help. The only problem was - the lady was not looking for help. She looked doubtful and found a way to shoot down most suggestions and agreed unwillingly to some. Finally, she said, 'but there are some people in our life who absolutely cripple us, and we can't stop them.'

And then I understood her real problem - it wasn't her environment, it wasn't her family harassing her, it wasn't that God had chosen a hard time for her. Her problem was that she was a hard core victim. She enjoyed the attention and sympathy that her complaining brought her. I also realized that a victim who wants to be one doesn't turn a victor without their wanting to do so. It doesn't matter if good suggestions and help is extended. And it might not make any difference if someone put them in the best and most positive of environments. I guess they will still find a reason to crib and be unhappy.

I came away a bit jolted, and I'll admit even a little frustrated. We live only once - and none of us are getting any younger. Wasting our life is probably a more terrible loss than even wasting our time. But then, the gates of change open only on the inside, others can knock in hope.

Let's be victors....lets take charge....let's make the most of this one life we got. Because victims don't turn victors, only proactive, courageous and resourceful people do.

The secret to being successful

It's confounding, confusing, and complicated to succeed. If we watch too much reality TV, that is.

Success is not just exciting and enriching - it is surprisingly within reach and logical. In fact, you might be hard-pressed to fail if you realized the secrets of it. In my experience with failing miserably and succeeding spectacularly by turns, I have reached some enlightening secrets to success. Here goes.

Some years ago, after falling into the rut of my work, and doing things that even I found uninspiring, it dawned on me. I had been focusing on the wrong things. My job could never make me successful. Nor could the best organization or boss in the world. I had to make me successful.

‘Job description’ sounds like a boring thing. It is boring. Think about this. Succeeding on goals decided for us by others is self-defeating and contradictory. And what’s on paper, generally fails the reality test. Real success is driven from the inside. Here's the first success fact. We need to align our strengths and talents to our broader role at work.  Once you’ve done that mapping, coming up with creative and brand new ways to expand your usefulness within the role is much faster and easier. Just think up of something no one around you is doing or might even be capable of, but that is the need of the customers and the organization. Everyone will sit up and listen. Trust me.

The other fact about success. Let’s quit blaming our job, organization, and boss. These can contribute to our failure, but are generally not responsible for our success. Success is internal and inside-out. Those on the outside can’t make you succeed even if they wanted to. They can inspire, but only you can crack the final piece. You absolutely need to know what you want to succeed with, when, how, and to what extent – these are fundamental to success. Awareness leads to grand success.

The next fact about success is this. Don’t sign up for someone else’s idea of what will make you successful. It is never wise to repose too much faith in others to rise above our limitations. If we are lucky, we find that one great person to support us. But even that wise person does not know the secrets of our soul. Our inner voice speaks only to us - by design. Superbly successful people listen to everyone’s content, but listen to themselves with absolute intent.

And the last fact about success. Success requires intelligence, but not the kind that is measured by IQ tests. It needs a twist! No matter how experienced, talented, intelligent, or educated you might be – above all - you need to be original. Honestly, succeeding is not hard. There is very little to mess up unless we are unaware of our unique strengths, and that which we do with an individual flair. No one can duplicate that. And that kind of uniqueness brings heaps of success. Remember the law of scarcity - what people can't do or have is what they value and want.

I strongly believe that the road to success is quite clear and easy to spot. You only get lost when your path is leading to goals not suited to you.

The virtue of failure

I can never forget two months of painful unemployment right after my MBA. Made more excruciating by friends finding jobs. I guess, humiliation gets magnified under the fragile lens of youth. I fretted for a longish time until my mind was exhausted. Then it happened - my spirit nudged me and I was reminded that I was worth more than what I was reduced to. The right door was yet to open, no wonder the wrong ones kept opening - tempting me to fail and therefore, see with clarity that which only failure can reveal. And thankfully, see I did.

This happens to me often. As if God has a time table for all of us, and the days we ought to fail are already marked like test days in school for subjects we are bad at. And off we go skidding on the road to failure. Good thing someone has a system for us to fail or constant success would prove disastrous.

I completely believe, for years now, that desperation brings out our best. And clarity strikes in the depths of darkness. We work the hardest when hope is all we got. Will you not agree with me that darkness makes visible that which light is unwilling to uncover? Success is dazzling, it has a way of obscuring what lies beneath. And happiness has little use for questions. But the nature of failure is different. It is hard and unbending. And under its stern gaze we ask questions which never would have crossed our minds otherwise.

Failure is a definite virtue. Or maybe, the value of failure lies in leading us to virtue. Or how else would we have tested our relationship, with ourselves and others. Why would we ever ask tough questions that need asking. And why would we take action even when it might be the hardest thing to do. All of this is not the domain of success, failure on the other hand, is a specialist.

This is true for me as a writer, too. I write all the wrong lines before I know which ought to be the right ones. By not writing well, I generally reach my goal of writing well.

Life's like that also. We need love as much as we do a hard blow once in a while. Just to get us back on track. Failure leads to success. Without a fail.